Boyfriend can't cut ties with unstable ex girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2003
Boyfriend can't cut ties with unstable ex girlfriend
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 4:59pm

I think the subject line pretty much says it all but let me elaborate. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now and are very happy. He is a very loving soul and would give the shirt off his back to help anyone in need. He dated his ex-girlfriend on and off for 15 years. The off time was always because of her mental state, she is bi-polar and refuses to take her medication. In the 15 years that they were together he said that she was there for him many times. Mostly he mentions how she helped him build 2 houses and he feels like he cannot abandon her or leave her out in the cold. She is currently staying at his mothers house rent free (mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Wow, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes with this one!

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
My first thought is, regardless of whether he has romantic feelings for her or not, his feelings for and involvement with her is still affecting the relationship you two have. I think that if he valued you the way you want him to value you, you wouldn't have to argue with him to get him to change his house code, for him to realize that buying a house for her is ridiculous, etc. I think it's really disgusting, too, that he'd let his relationship with his children be violated by her. He doesn't sound like a very loving person to me but rather someone who is obsessed with this other woman or into all of the drama she creates.


Clinical Research Associate


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Laf, I've got another thought:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

It does sound like she is going to be around forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I think this is a very simple problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I'm sorry but I agree with the others. There comes a point in a relationship problem like this one where you have to accept that you are not going to change the situation. The only thing you can change is whether or not you are in the relationship.

"it's more about what HE is doing rather then what SHE is doing."

This is right on the money.

You may love him, but loving him isn't going to make this situation tolerable. Loving someone does not entitle you to a happy relationship with a person. Loving someone does not mean that any problem can be overcome. You may care very much and want very badly to do anything in your power to change this... That doesn't mean you DO have the power to change it. You don't.

And that's why the concept of acceptance is very difficult, because it means you have to give up control and walk away.

I really think you deserve better than this. He may be a wonderful and loving person but he's still willing to cause you anguish in favor of catering to his insane ex. That is unreasonable to tolerate... And unless you are willing to leave, you will continue tolerating it.