boyfriend cheating
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| Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:31pm |
I am new and just joined. I have quite a problem. I need advise pronto...Well i have been with my boyfriend for 5yrs this month. We just got engaged last year and i have a 3month old baby with him. I was so happy with him. He is such a great person so i thought. I have found out he is seeing and talking to someone. What i did wrong on my part is that I know his password to his cellphone. If i bring it up he is going to ask questions on proof how i know this. I have been hearing messegas of this girl. He is in the military besides working full time but he was just away on a two week training. How i found out is that she left a msg letting him know that she is on her way meaning to the base he was at i guess to pick him up. He would call me and tell me that he will be on the field for training when after all day in a class on top of that he has to go to the field. Bull!!! he was lying. He met up with her. I have her cell number and house number and i keep calling and hanging up on her. I am just furious. HOw can i let myself be found out on how i know he is doing something but i don't have the proof? I am so hurting right now. When this happend this was in the first week he was away. He came just this Friday home and he left again this Sat and Sunday (yesterday)came back. On Sat i had a great time with my kids i also have two girls and we went to spend the day with a friend of mine at the beach etc. Well i heard another msg in the afternoon, cause i check his messeges so often now, that the girl said she is close by and will be there soon. He makes me believe he is still in training and there is no way i can catch him in the act. I have been acting so different with him since yesterday and i don't know how to control my emotions to tell him i know. The messeges she has left have not been very detailed in her talking anything sexual but this is not a person to be just a friend. How can i confront this problem? Please help. I thought so highly of him. I love him but this is hurting really bad. I cry, i am sad i am so much at the tip of my toungue to tell him who is she. I have so much to lose. We have plans in buying a house, car and finally setting a date to get married. He has not shown any signs of cheating other than me knowing of his messages. I have three kids and this will be my second marriage, first for him if we get married. Why would he do this after having his first child. I need answers advice anything. I feel so trapped and i can't stay quiet for to long. Please help....
He is not the father of my two daughters but he is more of a father to them than there real dad. He has lifted me up and made me a better person. I have done so many first time things with him. He does not seem preasured with me at all to the extent i have lead him to cheat because of something i have done. I look just the same as i did prior to having his baby. I am not dead gorgeous but i am attractive and pretty. I just don't know why he would do such a thing. He has not said anything negative towards our relationship, and i have never ever preasured him into anything. I have been through so much with my first marriage, that me and my fiancee's relationship is so good to be true. Thats what i say now, it was to good to be true. He is so high up on morales and values, i looked up to him. Now its like what now. How do i go on, should this go on. Well i am just venting, so please forgive me. So sorry,he should be coming soon so i got to get off but any words will be helpful. Thanks..........
Edited 5/17/2004 10:43 pm ET ET by a_destiny04

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Thanks for your response. There isn't really any close friend he has. He lives more involved with the family than going out with friends. He does not have any one best friend in particular. I know of one and i may be able to confide in him again. You see ths happend about three years ago when we were starting to get serious. Well i thought so and i guess he just thought it as going out, but dam we lived together you know. He has had the same password for all this time and i have been hearing them off and on. Three years ago i heard another girl but with a little more detailed msg saying stuff. i kept quiet because it was a passerby and never happend again. She did call a few months ago saying hello but i erased the msg. So you see why i am so hurt because now we are more closer and have had a more serious relationship that he is wanting to percieve into marriage.I did confide in his friend that time he never mentioned to my fiancee anything of course. But as to following him its pretty hard because we only have one car. He took the car this weekend and i have no way of getting to where he was. Its an hour away in Bourne, Ma from where i live. I don't even know how to get to the base. I am so caught up that i would prefer to catch him than bring up that i know of this girl via messeges. I don't even know if they have been intimate but i bet they have. Like today i tried to act a little more affectionate but i just was kinda cold somewhat. He would hold my hand in mine and i was just limp. he was doing the holding. He is always affectionate not all the time but he is. Its been a long time since he has cuddled and hugged me in bed and he came home late from work. I was actually awake. But its been a few years since he has done that. He actually did it for a bit but would turn over soon after. So i just don't know if its just me but he is tryibg to be more affectionate. He thinks i am different due to him being gone two weeks he left me to carry all the work. Like getting the kids up in the morning, getting them ready for work dropping them off to daycare and school working all day to than pick them up and deal with everything. Actually it was not that bad. But he thinks its because of that and its not. But thats all for now.
Well, clearly you cannot go on like this. The matter must be brought up and discussed. You do have actual evidence of these calls, and you have to let him know. You have to talk it all through, and hear what he says. Remember, you are not the one to be blamed here, if all of this is as you think, he is the one involved in something which is reprehensible. Give him a chance to tell you his side. Also, it would be useful for you to find a professional counsellor to talk to about this. This would have to be quite a shock and upheaval in your life. You could use on-going support and guidance in dealing with your emotiions and plans now. Perhaps he may also be willing to seek counselling with you to work through what happened here.
All good wishes,
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Personally, I wouldn't care if he knew how I found out and/or I wouldn't tell him. I'd be gone, but that's me.
You can't live like this. You will have to bring it up. "How's so and so? I know you are cheating on me and it has to end right now, we go to counseling or you move out, what's it gonna be?"
Carrie
Depending on what state you are in will determine if you are able to set up a recording device. My advice is to set-up a automatic, voice activated recorder under the seat of his car.
Alot of times in these situations we have to have SOLID in your face PROOF!!! Hardcore evidence that our SO is cheating. Been there, done that!!! My ex would leave to go to work, kiss me and the boys bye, and an hour later his work called wanting to know why he didnt come in?????Huh??? OR his buddy's wife would call wanting to know why my ex didnt pick up her hubby for work (they drove together)??? Oh he had reasons...stupid. I was stupid...it was so much easier to believe him then leave him. Eventually, I had to leave. I would spend the evening out with my sis and he was entertaining his women "friend" in our home with our children. RAT !!
Oh well... you may also find some advice on the Betrayed Spouses Board - you dont have to be an actual "spouse" -- several other sites which can offer you ways to find proof of his cheating.
Let us know whats going on!!! Or email me direct
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
Thanks so much for your words of opinions and advise. Regarding calling her yeah, i know i should stop. If i can't confront her on the phone about him and her why should i just call the hell out of her to aggravate her. Its aggravating me. See i have proof that i have heard the messegaes but i actually end the messege right before it ends just so it stays as new and he will be able to hear it. I actually have erased messeges that she has left just so he won't know she has called. I mean i don't know if when they have spoken if she has stated to him i left you messeges did you get them kinda thing. I won't know. If he thought of something he would have changed his password. As for the phone bill i was able look in his back pack and view it when he was not around before.I mean i know how many times she calls but as for him calling her i don't know. He may just call her from work now. I checked this morning to see if he made any outgoing calls to her from last night on his wasy hom and there was nothing. He would not come to think i am spying on his cellphone. He thinks to much of me..Now with verizon they changed the format now that before we got the bill and saw all calls made. Now its not like that. Now you can view it online. He set his cellphone up so he can have access to it but i have been trying to figure his password and have not been able to.
The way this started i believe was just last month April 25th was the first msg. It was a normal friend kinda call me msg nothing more. Now you see he went out on April 23 to a club we both go to. On April 24 as he was speaking to his mom i was not really snooping but he was talking on the phone out loud with his mom. I heard just a bit when he said " Oh you know i ran into so and so's daughter (I. I remember that because thats when on that Sunday April 25 i heard this girl leaving a msg and its the same name he brought up with his mom. So this girl must be an old girl he knew back when and they bumped at the club. So from there i think thats when they met on May 5th which was the first time i heard the msg when she said she was on her way there. Than she has left another msg on May 10th wonderig if he can see her. You know these are not msg's of a FRIEND...
As for a device, we only have one car so how can i hook this thing up when he goes out? What is this device,how much and how does it work?
You he emails me from work today saying HOW DEEPLY HE LOVES ME. I respond I love you too but i hope that i make him happy and that he loves me as much as he says he does.
His response not to put everything: I am his companion,freind, soulmate and he is very much in love with me. He wants to spend the rest of is life till god permits. His love for me will never end.
I don't know if what i responded will give me away and have him question what i said but i just came back from lunch and he has not returned my email or called. He may be busy but at that time he was at lunch so no excuse to not return my email right away.
This is my response ladies:
I appreciate your words and really really hope that I have been able to complete you and that I am and will always be the only one. There are things yes that you may question due to my actions and words. For we woman have instincts and it grows on us when something is not right. But here this sweety. I only say it this so that we may never be a part of this thing called betrayel. I don't really think I need to be very specific and I choose to be discreet about how I am feeling i may not choose to be open. But remember this sweety because I love you so much does not mean that it will always to good to be true. I hope to grow old with you and I don't ever want to feel insecure. I have been through a lot and its hard to know that I have found someone that makes me happy. We have hard times and there will be many more rocks falling from the mountain. I hope that our bond as a couple will be as strong to endure many things. I expect and think very highly of you Tito. I don't want any disappointments and be heartbrocken in my life. Remember I may be quiet but I know. I will leave it at that. I want us to be able to always have the truth and be able to raise our kids in a loving home. I see you and see that I will always be ok. I am soooo in love with you that I don't want anything or anyone to come between us. So hope to have a beautiful and glorious life with you. I know we have many more years to go and I hope to one day soon be your wife. I just want you to make sure that even though I may have had your child you still feel the love for me and you choose to be with me out of love not obligation. Things happen and can change a person to do things they should not. I hope that we both always can confide in each other and that when if ever I have displeased you and or am not satisfying you I hope you relate your feelings in what I can do better..This is it for now. I hope to see my one and only home tonight. I miss you and love you dearly.
What do you think? I know he will question what this is all about.
Thanks for your reply. I am soon to leave work at 4pm and have not heard from or gotten a response to the email i sent him. I wonder how much it cost to hire a detective. I don't think i have the money to spend to much money. I do have a friend i have confided in and she advised for me to keep quiet for now. To keep listening to the msg's and see how much i can get maybe more detailed that i can maybe catch him in the act if she leaves specific details. Nothing yet. Lets see if he will find the time now that he is back from his training to see the bi$#@.... What you said was good about getting in touch with him while he was at the base. It crossed my mind so many times. I mean i knew in the day till like 6pm or 7pm he was in training but than after he was free to do what he wanted. He just gave me the lie about him going off to the field to cover himself since he knows i would't question. Actually i did question him as to why after all day he is going to the field for four hours please come on. I felt like calling the number left of one of his superiors to get him but what could i say. His son is fine and my girls. I just need advice for now as to how am i to respond to why i said what i said in my email to him today. Any post sent after four i will be at home at 6pm. I don't know what his schedule will be today but i will try to log on later at home. thanks a million for your advice,thoughts and opinions....I am soooooooooo uneasy... And yeah in the email i let him know how much i trust and confide in him that i expect nothing less from him..
I really believe you have enough information to talk to your fiance. You need to be straight with him. You are not going to get anything accomplished by "beating around the bush" with cryptic e-mails.
I would find someone to watch your children, and when he gets home sit down at the kitchen table (or where ever you do your serious talking) and ask him who this person is and how he knows her. Be firm and in control of this conversation. Try to keep your emotions in check if you can. Watch his body language and his expression. You can also add in what you know about this woman if you feel he isn't telling you the truth. You do not have to tell him how you know about her (in fact I wouldn't say how you know).
Also during this conversation, explain how you feel about this "relationship". Whether or not it has become a physical affair, he has kept this woman a secret. This is not acceptable in a committed relationship like yours. You have every right to ask that he not contact her again.
After your "talk", spend some time verifying that what he is telling you is true. Put key-stroke logging software on your computer, rent a car, check the cellphone log, put a recorder on the phone or in the car, check the glove compartment and his wallet. Whatever you have to do to feel confident that he is telling the truth. Your intuition is telling you that something is wrong (that and phone messages). Find out the truth.
Destiny, I don't know how he is going to respond to you during this conversation. I don't know what you are going to find during your own investigation. But I think you should prepare yourself for the possibility that he is being unfaithful. You have to do some real soul-searching of your own. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with a man you do not trust? He may be the greatest guy on the planet, and your soul-mate and your sun and your moon, but you will live a miserable existance if you are always wondering where he is and what he is doing. Are you willing to make that sacrifice?
I know how very difficult it is to be in your situation. What you are thinking is the unthinkable. You do need the truth. As scary as that may be...you need to get to the truth. Hang in there...come visit us at the BSSG. It helps to know that you are not alone in your situation. And trust me...you are not alone.
Julie
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