Boyfriend cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Boyfriend cheating
1
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 10:12am
Yesterday on Valentine's Day I found my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years had sent an email to this girl in another country, whom he had once told me was his cousin. She is from his home country and he went on vacation there for 4 weeks about 6 months ago. That's when he met her. In the email he called her "My Valentine" and that he would be the one to bring her happiness for the rest of her life and that he wishes they were close "physically" like the people were in the card. He wrote that he relentlessly called her many times but have not been able to get through and he will not give up. He sent this to her early in the morning on Valentines day and then after that he sent a card to me with almost the same message.

I confronted him about this girl and he admitted that she is actually not a cousin. She is a girl he met through friends when he was visiting. They chatted the whole night and at the end, he asked to exchange email and phone number. He said meeting her was not a set up. He said that it was a moment of weakness. The girl is very pretty and he wanted to see if he would be happy with a girl from his own nationality. I am not of his race. He said his reason is he wanted to make sure that I am the one for him. He wanted to prove to himself that being with a pretty girl of his own nationality is not what will make him happy. I don't understand. All these years, he has told me that this is not an issue. That we have a great relationship. Just the night before he and I were having serious talk about our relationship and he was the one to bring it up. I thought we had a wonderful future together. But then the next morning I find out about him and this girl.

He said she knows about me and that he didn't kiss her or even hold her hand. That all they did was talk. But I don't believe it. The things he wrote in his message to her...these are surely not words you say to normal friends. You only say them to a girlfriend or wife. I am so confused. He has always been good to me. In the eyes of others, we are the perfect couple so happy. and I thought we were too and he told me we are a great couple too. Looking about at these 6 months, I am confused as to all the things he said. All the things are lies??? why??? I don't understand. He said he will stop all contact with this girl and he will never betray me again. He said he wants a second chance and he doesn't want to lose me. Why?? This is a total shock. There were no clues leading up to this. We were so happy just the day before.

Excuse me for rambling. Any advice? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 11:13am


I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you are still in shock though and trying to figure out what is going on. Eventually you are going to get angry and have to make a decision. Let look at this objectively:

'He said meeting her was not a set up. He said that it was a moment of weakness.'

A moment of weakness does not include months of phone calls, emails etc. Those are planned. Those take thought. It seems he has been thinking of her and trying to reach her a lot.

'The girl is very pretty and he wanted to see if he would be happy with a girl from his own nationality. I am not of his race.'

Then he needs to be honest with you from day one. Not explore this for months behind your bak and lie to you.

'He said his reason is he wanted to make sure that I am the one for him.'

'He wanted to prove to himself that being with a pretty girl of his own nationality is not what will make him happy. '

Again a joke, don't you think? That is absurd. This isn't about you. It is about him getting away with cheating on you. This is about more than his nationality, proving that you are the one and his other excuses.

Are you going to let him continue or get out?