boyfriend cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
boyfriend cheating
17
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:31pm
Hi,

I am new and just joined. I have quite a problem. I need advise pronto...Well i have been with my boyfriend for 5yrs this month. We just got engaged last year and i have a 3month old baby with him. I was so happy with him. He is such a great person so i thought. I have found out he is seeing and talking to someone. What i did wrong on my part is that I know his password to his cellphone. If i bring it up he is going to ask questions on proof how i know this. I have been hearing messegas of this girl. He is in the military besides working full time but he was just away on a two week training. How i found out is that she left a msg letting him know that she is on her way meaning to the base he was at i guess to pick him up. He would call me and tell me that he will be on the field for training when after all day in a class on top of that he has to go to the field. Bull!!! he was lying. He met up with her. I have her cell number and house number and i keep calling and hanging up on her. I am just furious. HOw can i let myself be found out on how i know he is doing something but i don't have the proof? I am so hurting right now. When this happend this was in the first week he was away. He came just this Friday home and he left again this Sat and Sunday (yesterday)came back. On Sat i had a great time with my kids i also have two girls and we went to spend the day with a friend of mine at the beach etc. Well i heard another msg in the afternoon, cause i check his messeges so often now, that the girl said she is close by and will be there soon. He makes me believe he is still in training and there is no way i can catch him in the act. I have been acting so different with him since yesterday and i don't know how to control my emotions to tell him i know. The messeges she has left have not been very detailed in her talking anything sexual but this is not a person to be just a friend. How can i confront this problem? Please help. I thought so highly of him. I love him but this is hurting really bad. I cry, i am sad i am so much at the tip of my toungue to tell him who is she. I have so much to lose. We have plans in buying a house, car and finally setting a date to get married. He has not shown any signs of cheating other than me knowing of his messages. I have three kids and this will be my second marriage, first for him if we get married. Why would he do this after having his first child. I need answers advice anything. I feel so trapped and i can't stay quiet for to long. Please help....

He is not the father of my two daughters but he is more of a father to them than there real dad. He has lifted me up and made me a better person. I have done so many first time things with him. He does not seem preasured with me at all to the extent i have lead him to cheat because of something i have done. I look just the same as i did prior to having his baby. I am not dead gorgeous but i am attractive and pretty. I just don't know why he would do such a thing. He has not said anything negative towards our relationship, and i have never ever preasured him into anything. I have been through so much with my first marriage, that me and my fiancee's relationship is so good to be true. Thats what i say now, it was to good to be true. He is so high up on morales and values, i looked up to him. Now its like what now. How do i go on, should this go on. Well i am just venting, so please forgive me. So sorry,he should be coming soon so i got to get off but any words will be helpful. Thanks..........


Edited 5/17/2004 10:43 pm ET ET by a_destiny04

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 7:32pm
Hi: As i read your reply tears just roll down my face. I know what i should do but i am so afraid of the outcome. He has been there so much for me. There is nothing negative in our relationship that we have not been able to overcome. In today's email i sent to him from work he has not mentioned a word about it. I got back from lunch at 2pm and no email nor calls. I get out a 4pm and i start up on the road to go home. I decide to call him at 5:25pm. He answers the phone with affection and a nice Hello greeting. I ask if he needs to be picked up from the train station. We speak about a few things and seemed ok to me. NO mention of my email and question to what i meant by it or whats up with what i said. I mean since almost 1pm till now that he is still at work he should have read it. So i don't know what to expect. I have thought so many times to ask him straight in his face " who is so and so"? But i just keep quiet. He has not changed his password yet, he may after this i don't know. Its the only way i can find out more input when this girl leaves msg's. That is the only way of me finding out they are meeting but she is very limited. She may know he is involved with and she is cool with it. But he may also be lying to her. I mean she must know something. I know around the time she usually leaves msg's and no msg's left today. In the time he was away they were most likely to being able to talk in the evening in the days they did not meet and chat. But how much can he confide in her. They just recently started this. What can he say about his life? That he is unhappy, he does not want me etc. I mean he is doing the total opossite. I always say to him if you don't want to be with me please let me know. I don't know. I just feel such a big burden and its hurting me to much. But lets see what happens when he gets home. Till than..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 9:34pm
I think you need to listen to Julie. She has good advice about being point blank.

It appears you are very hurt and this is hard for you. I feel sorry for you. You sound like such a nice person and a great mom and you do not deserve this.

I just wanted to say that and to offer my support. Try not to take this personally. It is not about you or anything you did wrong - it is obvious that if he was cheating he was presented with temptation and succumbed.

Good luck and keep all of us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:54pm
HI Ladies:

Well i most def had a big blow out last night. I did it. I asked him who is she. It started first that it was about almost 9pm and i checked his voicemail on his cellular. Boom!!! a msg from her saying she was on such and such street she was lost. Mind you i had just spoken to him around 8:40pm and he said he was to step out to Fedex and would be back in the office. I tried calling him for almost 45min. I got soooooooooooooo furious i grabbed my keys and told my older daughter i would be back to watch the baby. I flew so fast go there in 20 mins. I got around the financial districts and so no sign of him or any cars other than taxis and limo's. I drove around for 5-10 min till i spotted him going into his bldg. Fedex is around the corner so i know he came from there but i did not see him with her. In her msg she said she only had a moment and would stop by quickly. I was so angry that i knew in my heart this is THE DAY. I know it, i could not control this anymore. I called him at the office and said to him so who have you been talking to lately. Thats how i started. I asked who have you been speaking to most recently. I said females not males. He mentioned a few but not her name. I was like ok, than where were you right now, who were you seeing. he was like what???What are you talking about. I said yeah, I know whats been going on and don't play me like stupid,immature,person and don't patronized me. I wanted to see if he would say anything. I was biting my tongue. I said did you get my email? He was like yeah, but he was not going to bring up anything. He didn't think nothing by it and was letting it go. He mentioned the part about when i said I MAY BE QUIET BY I KNOW. He was confused my email did not make sense. Well i said finally after so much who is (THE GIRLS NAME!) WHO IS SHE? What do you have with her and why has she been getting with you? I said don't play me cause i am not stupid. I know she went to the cape twice to see you and she has been in touch with you as well as you to her. I didn't expect to be betrayed like this. I really hope you guys used protection. meanwhile he was shocked. He still denied she has never been to the cape. Meanwhile 15-20 had passed after i saw him go in the bld so i proceeded to go home for my kids sake. I was talking on the way home with him. i said i know and why you keep lying. I asked why are you lying she was here to meet you. I saw you guys(lie, i know by the msg she left but made him think i was there) He said ok ok she did come by. I was like why? what for, what the hell does she have to come by and see you at your job outside. He said he did not do anything. I was like its not the point this has been going on for awhile. Why did he do this to me, what did i do wrong.

I said i was going to call the girl. I don't ever want any communication with him to her and visa versa. I don't want to see her ever in paint because god help me. I than hung up and said we will talk at home. I than called the girl and asked hi is this so and so. I said this is bleeps fiance. I just want to let you know i know about you two and he will not be calling you ever and don't want her calling him again. She was of coure caught of guard and said " oh, wait hold on. Than i hear silence and click. I was like no she did not hang up on me. My battery was dead so iwas like redialing and her voicemail came up, i called her home and a kid answered she was not there. I waited till i got home. My fiancee called me over and over. we spoke. I said we have spoken enough for now we talk when you get home. i than proceeded to call her. I said the same this is so ans so's fiancee can i have a word with you. Emediattley she became defensive saying not to worry that her and him have nothing going on the are just friends. I started saying than why are you hounding and calling him. Why did you go to the Cape to meet with him i know you did and i know you guys were intimate. Don't lie, woman to woman can't you be honest. What has he said to you about me and our relationship. I assume plenty. Well she was not very specific only to revelate yeah she met up with him. she does not want to be involved i should be asking him the questions. I said but why can't you say anthing. I feel so betrayed. I though so highly of him and he does this. he was like you guyes need to work on yours i will leave him alone not for me to worry. she said e said we were having problems i was like WHAT PROBLEMS? i am so unaware of any we had. Well basically isaid thanks for her time and again don't ever contact him again.


Well he did not get to finish his job so he had to stay to do that cause we were of course in the argument. So he came hom around 1:30am. He came and the baby at that time started moving and was hungry. i went pass him and go the baby's bottle. He gave it to him and once that was done he put him to bed.

wELL i got ot go to lunch but i will be back, this is it for now..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:32pm
who cares if he gets mad about you having his password you obviosly wouldnt have to get it if he wasnt untrustworthy...

just explode on him about it and tell him you know exactly whats going on and its time to fess up...

Believe me it will turn out better for you cause he will gain respect that your not going to put up with his crap anymore!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:34pm
hI ladies:

I know its Friday and I have not posted anything since worst day of my life. I have been very stressed and down. I am trying to overcome this horrible nightmare. Well lets see where i left off. After the baby was put to sleep. I just looked at him. We were very quiet. Inside i wanted to just punch and hit the crap out of him. But i am not that way. I am soooooooooo surprised and i don't know how God instilled in me such calmness and patience. I know if it was another woman would have acted differently. But anyhow i just waited for him to speak. I don't think i needed to say a word. I said almost everything i had to say on the phone. I did want to do this in person ladies but my patience and hurting inside ran out. I just burst. He said he was sorry he has hurt me. He did't think giving a number to a girl was going to end like this. She was an old high school friend and they were just catching up. He than said that yes for a minute it did cross his mind about going to the next level but he didn't do anything with her. He swares. He revealed that we have not been the same for a long time. We have lost contact and how we use to be. He feels like a ghost in the house. He comes home and i take forever doing stuff and he wants to cuddle with me and spend time with me but i am always occupied. He feels that he only is in the home to pay bills. Mind you we both pay half and half. Basically he felt excited that someone would listen to him. I was like but if you felt like this for awhile how long and why did it have to take this long and than do it with someone you have not seen for 15-20years and you don't even know her. Why her. Why would she come and say that she met with you and say we are having problems and you say that you never met with her. If you so much confided in her why would she backstab you and reveal certain things to me when i kept asking over and over? He said he does not know why. If i believed her over him. OH my god. it was just soooooo frustrating and i kept saying to him she said i don't have nothing to worry basically in little words she made me understand that i do not have worry i dont' need to get myself checked. In other words condoms were used. She did not have to say much. I told him this. But he kept on saying i was never intimate with her!!! Well i cried so much. He hated seeing me with so much pain. He was sorry for not coming to me with his feelings. I said well even if you didn't sleep with her( so he says i don't believe that bull) you were and got to be emotionally involved with her. What if i would not have ever found out. You really think i am soooooooo naive. I am much more slicker than you think. I told him it will take time, much time to get over this. We have been threw so much and i can't believe him a man with such high values and morales would be circumed to acting the way he did. I am so dissapointed. I bet if it were me you would have dumped me right away. Well he said sorry a zillion times and say please if we can work this out and get through this. I said i loved him soooooooo much. It really hurts. I don't know. Give me time. I need to be able to trust again and he needs to show me that. So we hugged each other and ended the talk because we only had two more hours to get up for work.

Well since that day the next day I felt so different. We got up and took the girls to school and baby to sitter. I felt sad, i was tired, drained and sickened. I was not myself. I worked through the day like a zombie. I did not call him as much at his job. He came home and we went on like nothing. Than on Thursday, yesterday same routine, than in the car on the way almost him dropping me off at the station i had a question. I asked again why if he so much confided in her why would she say yeah she met with you. I just don't understand why she would backstab you if she was on your side and hearing you out. Thats how much you trusted in her huh. Well he was like you don't want me to call her no more so what you want me to to ask her why she said that. I said hell no i don't want him talking to her. Than i asked she lives in the next city to us (city). He confirmed she did. He was like are you going to keep asking questions. How are we to go on. i told him for my sake and for me to be able to heal i need to. Let me be and accept what comes from me i think i need that much.. Well we have been trying to get along. I can't forgive and forget not just yet. Its going to be awhile i know. He may think we are going to go on but i am going to be so much like a hawk. Before i did not feel the need to because i trusted him so much. Now poof its gone. We saw a movie last night but to come to see we both lost interest. Basically the movie sucked so we went to bed early. Than today was a much better day. I felt a little better but its always on my mind. Meaning i was not to much down at work. I tried for my sake to be smiling and have a good day. Believe me We and Thursday i was not my usual self and my coworkers noticed. I could not help to be that way.

Today i sent him an electronic greeting via internet. In it i wrote a novel basically a long letter bringing up alot of stuff and how i expect things to be. I made him know that its not as simple to just forget what just happend. I feel violated. He let another woman get into his feelings, his time, and god knows what. I feel like i have been stripped from our relationship and how valuable i thought it was. How i thought i knew him and how much he should now see how fast and easy it is to get to hurt someone and make a huge mistake and than for that a beautiful relationship gets damaged and i could have been gone from his life. But i am willing to work this out. I mean i wrote so much more. So now this is the beginning of a new start for me. I view things so differently. ITs my worst fear to know that it can happen again. I pray to god everyday that if he is still the right person for me to please protect us from harm. From my fiancee to have any kinds of sinful thoughts and feelings towards any other woman. I hope he devotes the rest of his life proving how much of a big mistake he has committed. So this is my sorrowful story ladies. Can i get past this. Is there anyone who has? Please tell me? Is there any success to such a horrible experience? Well i will be in touch every now and than. We are still looking for houses. He still says he wants to marry me and he realizes i am the most precious thing to him. He begs forgivness. He does not want to part. WEll i let him know there is no second chance. He messes up again and its it. I said not to take me for granted and think that i am not smarter than him. He needs to be careful with his actions. So i think i will try to go ladies. Its hard everyday but i hope i can overcome. I have not heard any msg's from that girl on his cellphone. I am surprised he has not changed his password. He still thinks someone has told me about her. He has no clue i checked his msg's. I would like to keep it that way. I can get more info still. I am obsessed in checking his calls. But i think i have a dam good excuse. Before it was just being nosy and of course to see if there was anything. He never gave me a motive to not trust him till now thats the worst part. Well i got to go and get comfortable. I need some rest. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

a_Destiny04

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:07pm
Hi Destiny. Thank you for replying to my "help me not be bitter" board. Jeez, I know you said my story sounds more painful, but I don't know. I think that in order for you to rebuild any kind of trust with your fiance, you NEED to know what really happened. I also know, from my situation, that girls can lie and say things that aren't true. For example, when I found out about my fiance, the girl called me and told me. She told me that he said he loved her and was with me only because we have a son together. She said he would make up excuses to not see me so he could be with her. She said they had sex numerous times unprotected. I of course believed her 100 percent over him. When I did confront him, he said " I swear, I had sex with her one time, I promise." I didn't believe him. He had told me he felt so bad afterwards and she kept saying "if you dont do this I'm going to call your girlfriend!" and so on. I still didn't believe his story. But I decided to go back to him because I did love him. Well one night, it was to much. Not really knowing if he said he loved her and if he was with me just for our son. I told him he had to leave, i didn't trust him. He asked if I would feel better if he call the girl. I said yes. So I got on the other line (she didn't know), and he called her. He told her that he made the biggest mistake when he cheated on me with her. and he asked her why she would lie to me and I could not believe what I had heard. She said, "I never said that", "I just told her it happened once". "are you guys broken up now" you get the point right?

The reason I wrote this is because sometimes the other woman does lie. I'm not saying always, but it does happen. and maybe if you took your fiance up on the offerof him calling this girl, maybe you could find out exacly what happened. It did make me feel better, however, if he would have told her what she said, I don't know what I would of done.

but your fiance needs to respect you enough to admit his wrong doings. and he can't get crabby when you bring them up. HE messed up not you.

take care................Desi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 3:12pm
HI:

Thanks for a reply as well. I wanted to do exactly what you did. I wanted him to go on the phone with her on line or in person who cares but just to settle this all together and i wanted to hear him say to her to never contact him again. But he did not agree. He was like why involve her, that i am angry with him and to take it out on him. I was like she is at fault. She was hearing you out why did she not tell you to fix whatever we had that was a problem. That if he loves me so much to work things out and tell me what he was feeling. She did the opposite. She had every intention to get into your pants and wanted more from you. What he said was the worst mistake was giving her his tel# from the beginning. Well i said i guess its your worst nightmare.

I want to believe that he was not intimate with but after hearing her on his voicemail saying she is on her way to the Cape to meet him, when i have never gone down there myself. Its like who is this chic to even go down to see him. I don't think she would go so far to meet with him just to talk. But i have been with him through thick and thin and he has proven so much to me. I want to beleive that this will be the one and only time. Right now we have been more attentive to one another. I know i have my fauults too but i made sure to him that there is no second chance. He better not mess up because he will lose. We have been fine since but now i am going to be very scared to know if he will see her again every time he has to go to drill. Its not fair to have this feeling of no trust within me. I would never had thought to be put in this situation but he did. He knows it i hope to know that he has to do lots and lots of mending and proving.

Well we just put an offer on a house. He is very determined. I am trying to be better and bring out in me how i was when we first met. I know with two girls 6 and 11 and a 4month old takes alot of our time and my time away but i am trying to do so much more. I hope cause i was marrief for 8yrs prior and my ex was no worth my 8yrs at all. Now that i found true happiness in my fiance i hope that it will not get ruined because i have every itch of strength to make this work and so does he. I want to beleive this was just a test, a wake up call. I have faith so i hope that i succeed with this. I also wish you the best too. Please stay in touch.

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