Boyfriend depressed??!! Help!
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| Mon, 09-06-2004 - 7:46am |
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 months and I love him very much. We've had a bit of a rough time recently but I thought everything was sorted and when i saw him on Friday everything was fine.
He gets really depressed sometimes and we've had nights before when he just clams up and has been in tears saying he doesn't think his life's going anywhere and he can't understand why I'm with him. These have been really hard but I've tried to be there for him and give him time to himself if he needs it. He doesn't like talking about his problems and stuff so he tends to shut me out and push me away a bit when he's feeling blue.
But the last few days have been really bad. On Saturday I went to see him at work (he works in a pub) and he was quite off with me and when I was leaving said he couldn't be bothered to kiss me goodbye (!!!!!) and was being really quiet. He texted me later and was just like ‘Hey’ so I asked how his night was and he just said ‘s**t’. I tried really hard and was like well I wish I could make it better and he just said ‘well you can’t it just takes time.’ I feel like he just wont let me in right now.
I was getting quite upset about it but I decided to try and be supportive and not make it about me so I went round yesterday on my way out to buy his birthday present (when I asked if he wanted me to he said ‘yeah if you want’ – like I’m forcing him to see me!) and tried to cheer him up by talking about his birthday which is coming up and being really upbeat. But he was just sat in his room with the curtains drawn and going on about how he doesn’t feel like celebrating his birthday. He said he can’t be bothered and it doesn’t matter – he’ll have another one next year. When I asked him what he wants he said nothing that I don’t have to get him anything and that there’s nothing he wants anyway. So I said oh go on babe crack a smile and he just went ‘no – there’s nothing to smile about’. So I said there’s not one thing in your life that makes you want to smile? And he said no. I know I was trying not to make it about me but that kind of hurt.
I then jokingly said – I can’t believe you said you couldn’t be bothered to kiss me yesterday and he replied – ‘I was only being honest. I couldn’t be bothered. I’m not sure I can be bothered today actually.’ And he didn’t. He didn’t even touch me once the whole time I was there. In the end I left because I thought maybe he needed some time on his own. No kiss goodbye no nothing. And when I walked out the front door I looked up and he was looking at me really weirdly out of his bedroom window so I just waved and tried to sound really normal and was like see you later but I’m so confused. I’ve heard nothing from him since then and really don’t know what to do. Should I carry on pretending everything’s normal or confront him about the way it makes me feel when he shuts me out or give him more time alone. I’m so confused!
And all I keep thinking is what have I done? I asked him the other day if I’d done something to piss him off and he said no but didn't elaborate any more or try to make me feel more secure. But if I haven’t then why is he acting like this? Because things had been going through a bad patch recently (although I thought all that was sorted) I’m really paranoid and convinced that it’s me and that he doesn’t love me anymore. I just don’t know what to do. Any ideas would be very greatly appreciated – I don’t know how much longer I can pretend everything’s normal while I feel like I’ve done something wrong and he’s really pissed off with me and keeps pushing me away.
Ella X

There's no profile on you....so Pianoguy has to do a little guesswork.
Is there a "life" for you outside of this man? While you seem to be willing to support and be around him 100% of the time...I honestly wonder if he cares? If you're a regular fixture at his workplace and he doesn't even want to hug you before you leave, perhaps he's looking for a little space?
There might also be some family issues that are bothering him? And just out of curiosity, when was the last time the man had a complete physical? It might be difficult to believe, but when a man has physical or emotional problems..we probably aren't going to talk about them? There's also the possibility that your b/f is going through some sort of depression?
Suggestion...
If you can't get a straight answer...or he just doesn't want to talk...DON'T PUSH FOR ONE! Maybe your intention to "cheer him up" is doing more harm than good? Soooo...give your b/f a little space---maybe for a couple weeks or a month? If you don't hear much of anything during this 'trial separation'...or his attitude around you hasn't improved...perhaps this is "his way" of telling you he'd like to break up?
Hope this isn't the case? Best of luck and warm wishes from...
Pianoguy
The thing is that we nearly broke up a while ago and then decided we wanted to stay together. He told me on Thursday that he feels like he can achieve anything when he's with me and that he loves me more than anything and never wants to be without me. Thats why I'm confused, why say all that stuff and be so lovely and then suddenly act like this?
I texted him today and asked if he was still feeling down - he said yes. I told him I wished he would speak to me about it but I know I can't make him and I would never want to force him to talk about it. I asked him to let me know how he's feeling later. Do you think this was the right thing to do?
I think you're right about giving him some space and I'm more than happy to do that. The thing is that I am moving away to college in 3 weeks and I think we should be making the most of the time we've got together before I go. Obviously he doesn't agree. I just don't know if I can keep on doing this. I love him but when he gets like this (he's done it sort of 3 or 4 times before) it really hurts and it has never lasted this long. usually just a day - this has been nearly 3!
I have updated my profile now so you can see a bit more about me.
Thanks in advance for any help anyone can give me.
Ella X
A couple of thoughts...
Since you are going away to college in a few weeks for the first time, perhaps he is trying to create some distance? Sometimes guys do that to ease the pain when you actually do leave. He could be trying to get you to break up with him before you go.
Another thought - why WOULD you "pretend" everything is fine when it's not? You can't go on like this, so there's really no harm in asking. Just tell him that you feel shut out and that you want to be able to help but know you can't. He's told you that nothing in his life makes him happy, including you, and that he can't be bothered to kiss you. That's gotta hurt and he should know that.
I would suggest a long talk and also that if he really is this depressed, that you urge him to get help. You shouldn't have to stand by and be his punching bag and allow him to hurt you in the name of being "supportive". That's not support, that's accepting mistreatment. You are not responsible for his well-being, so if he doesn't want to change or get help, there is nothing you can do to help the situation. You can stick around and let him drag you down with him, or you can break free, move forward and enjoy your first year of school.
Best of luck and good luck in college!
I'm just so sick of feeling like this.
I tried texting him again yesterday but he just gave one word replies. I can't do this anymore. It's his birthday on Thursday and I don't know if I can wait until after that to do anything but I don't want to ruin his birthday - it's his 21st. I think I'm going to write him a letter explaining that I love him but he's really hurting me by shutting me out and pushing me away. I don't know what else to do - he won't listen or talk to me. I'm just so sick or crying and trying to figure out what I've done - it's making me sick. Any more help would be great.
Ella X