boyfriend doesn't like advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
boyfriend doesn't like advice...
6
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 8:52am

Me and my boyfriend just moved in with each other 3 months ago, and its going really great so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 9:25am

You can't give advice to someone who doesn't want advice. Women are typically this way, sometimes just wanting an ear to listen, but of course as you've seen some males have this trait too.

"is there anyway i can balance giving him advice with showing him that im listening and supporting his feelings?"
No, he's not one of your friends, and if you really wanted to support him, then you would give him what he's asking for, just a listening ear and support without advice. I realize this isn't your "style" but sometimes you have to work on someone else's terms and not get your way. When he asks you to be a supportive shoulder for a moment, you have to do it in HIS style, or it's just you trying to do something that makes YOU feel good, and if he doesn't, it's worthless.

You can be supportive and not be silent, either. All he wants is to have his feelings confirmed. You can still ask him questions, say "I'd be really annoyed at that too", give personal feedback without it being in the form of advice.

This is part of compromising and being able to relate to one another as separate individuals. You have to let go of the "me" mentality and work on his terms when he needs you to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 11:07am

Welcome to the board ampak1124,


Real listening does not require an opinion or giving advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 1:19pm

My mother is a great one for giving unsolicited advice. As someone on the receiving end of this for many years, I can tell you what it feels like - CRITICISM. Don't get me wrong, my mom is a very kind, generous, and loving woman who only wants to be helpful and make people feel better. But what she does has the opposite effect because people

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 1:47pm
Charite, this is an excellent way of putting it and I think you did a really good job of summing up what I wasn't able to say!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 6:44pm

A compromise is that you listen while he is venting and

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 11:26pm
Welcome to the board sugarbaby_gal and thanks for participating.




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