Boyfriend doesn't trust me!
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Boyfriend doesn't trust me!
| Tue, 08-24-2004 - 4:26pm |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and as of lately the insecurity monster has reared it's ugly head. He had a very disfunctional marriage, which he was cheated on and lied to countless times.
I am the polar opposite of his ex-wife. I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends, never cheated anyone in my life. I can't lie, I just can't do it. And he knows this. I am a very predictable person with my daily routines and the things I do, so he has my number.
Anyway, I stayed at work late the other day (just 15 minutes) and I was in my bosses office talking to HER about my boyfriends son's upcoming 5th birthday party and so I did'nt hear my work phone ring and didn't hear my cell phone ring when he called. He proceeded to barrage me with questions about what I was doing, and why I didn't answer the phone. I got angry with him and expressed my feelings. I feel like he is constantly trying to catch me in a lie or catch me doing something wrong. If I do anything out of character he questions me. When he does this it makes me feel like I really did something naughty...when I really didn't!!! I NEVER do. Honestly, I am the most trustworthy person on the planet, everyone it seems but him, sees that!
This is so hurtful and I am tired of constantly living like I have to do things just right so he doesn't question me. I don't think it is fair that I have to suffer from his insecurities. There have been other situations where he has thought I was cheating on him or doing something behind his back..and those other situations have been alot worse than this 15 minutes late thing...but it is the principle and it drives me absolutely insane and it makes me feel so icky inside. And I don't deserve this because it isn't my problem it is his!!
Any helpful advice is much needed...Ladies I need you! :o)
I am the polar opposite of his ex-wife. I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends, never cheated anyone in my life. I can't lie, I just can't do it. And he knows this. I am a very predictable person with my daily routines and the things I do, so he has my number.
Anyway, I stayed at work late the other day (just 15 minutes) and I was in my bosses office talking to HER about my boyfriends son's upcoming 5th birthday party and so I did'nt hear my work phone ring and didn't hear my cell phone ring when he called. He proceeded to barrage me with questions about what I was doing, and why I didn't answer the phone. I got angry with him and expressed my feelings. I feel like he is constantly trying to catch me in a lie or catch me doing something wrong. If I do anything out of character he questions me. When he does this it makes me feel like I really did something naughty...when I really didn't!!! I NEVER do. Honestly, I am the most trustworthy person on the planet, everyone it seems but him, sees that!
This is so hurtful and I am tired of constantly living like I have to do things just right so he doesn't question me. I don't think it is fair that I have to suffer from his insecurities. There have been other situations where he has thought I was cheating on him or doing something behind his back..and those other situations have been alot worse than this 15 minutes late thing...but it is the principle and it drives me absolutely insane and it makes me feel so icky inside. And I don't deserve this because it isn't my problem it is his!!
Any helpful advice is much needed...Ladies I need you! :o)

You asked for a woman's opinion...but do you mind if I offer a male viewpoint?
Pianoguy thinks your b/f has been trained in GESTAPO CAMP! There's too much excess baggage and suspicion from his previous marriage.
You've been his "support system" for a year, haven't strayed or screwed around...and the guy is giving you THE 3RD DEGREE!
If his insecurities are making you sick---WHY are you still seeing him? His type of behavior ISN'T HEALTHY! Besides...there are a lot of men on this planet who would be thrilled by the LOVE, DEVOTION AND HONESTY that you have!
Read this jerk the "riot act"---and if he still won't get professional help---get the heck out of his life! You'll easily find a man who will respect, love and trust YOU!
Pianoguy
Good luck. If you cannot get him some help, maybe consider breaking up because that problem, unaddressed, will only get worse.
As much as you want to try to excuse his behavior with his past , it still is wrong. You can not be blamed, or punished for what his ex has done....you are not her. You think its going to get better?It wont. It'll probably get much worse. People do not change.....
" when
This is a potentially dangerous situation, as your boyfriend has a serious problem with suspiciousness and it can and often does escalate quite a bit. When it does it becomes abusive to the partner, destructive of her freedom and causes the partner to be punished for his fears. It is clear that he has not worked out the trauma he went through with his previous marriage. Now he is playing out all his anger with his former wife and fears with you. The only way he can get through this is to seek professional therapy and work hard at it. Then, in the future, he may be ready for a healthy realtionship based upon trust. His suspicions and behavior have nothing to do with you. You do not have to justify yourself. While they make you feel terrible (one of the dangers in this situation), they are clearly related to his issues and former marriage. As long as he is not realizing that and taking responsibility for his feelings, and deciding to work on it, the best recourse for you is to get out of this situation as quickly as you can. Even if he should decide to go to therapy, it could take a long while for him to work this out. Be aware of what you are in and make a healthy choice for yourself. There is no reason you should be a battering board for his problems.
All good wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
I agree with you. Unless he gets some help you can not live like this. Tell him that. It sounds like he didn't have enough time to work on himself and recovering from the break-up.
If I were you I would take an official break and if he wants to work on the relationship he will do something proactive to rid his jealousy and insecurity problems like seek counseling for it. This will also give you time to reflect and decide if he is really right for you.
If he refuses to work on himself or continues to blame you then he is a lost cause and you are better off without him.
One year is a long time that you have committed to this relationship but, you sound like you have so much to offer and this man surely is taking you for granted and doesn't respect all that you are. Cut you losses now or be prepared for some serious therapy and if he doesn't think he needs help . . . RUN!
Good luck to you and God Bless.
CJANNIE
GET! OUT! NOW!
that's the advice i have for you.
your bf is controlling you - HE has a problem, this has NOTHING to do with you, or with his ex, or whatever. HE has issues. the longer you stay with him, the worse things will get.
<> you see - you are already in trouble. you are losing your identity, you