Boyfriend doesn't trust me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Boyfriend doesn't trust me!
7
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 4:26pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and as of lately the insecurity monster has reared it's ugly head. He had a very disfunctional marriage, which he was cheated on and lied to countless times.

I am the polar opposite of his ex-wife. I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends, never cheated anyone in my life. I can't lie, I just can't do it. And he knows this. I am a very predictable person with my daily routines and the things I do, so he has my number.

Anyway, I stayed at work late the other day (just 15 minutes) and I was in my bosses office talking to HER about my boyfriends son's upcoming 5th birthday party and so I did'nt hear my work phone ring and didn't hear my cell phone ring when he called. He proceeded to barrage me with questions about what I was doing, and why I didn't answer the phone. I got angry with him and expressed my feelings. I feel like he is constantly trying to catch me in a lie or catch me doing something wrong. If I do anything out of character he questions me. When he does this it makes me feel like I really did something naughty...when I really didn't!!! I NEVER do. Honestly, I am the most trustworthy person on the planet, everyone it seems but him, sees that!

This is so hurtful and I am tired of constantly living like I have to do things just right so he doesn't question me. I don't think it is fair that I have to suffer from his insecurities. There have been other situations where he has thought I was cheating on him or doing something behind his back..and those other situations have been alot worse than this 15 minutes late thing...but it is the principle and it drives me absolutely insane and it makes me feel so icky inside. And I don't deserve this because it isn't my problem it is his!!

Any helpful advice is much needed...Ladies I need you! :o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 4:53pm
fluffity22...

You asked for a woman's opinion...but do you mind if I offer a male viewpoint?

Pianoguy thinks your b/f has been trained in GESTAPO CAMP! There's too much excess baggage and suspicion from his previous marriage.

You've been his "support system" for a year, haven't strayed or screwed around...and the guy is giving you THE 3RD DEGREE!

If his insecurities are making you sick---WHY are you still seeing him? His type of behavior ISN'T HEALTHY! Besides...there are a lot of men on this planet who would be thrilled by the LOVE, DEVOTION AND HONESTY that you have!

Read this jerk the "riot act"---and if he still won't get professional help---get the heck out of his life! You'll easily find a man who will respect, love and trust YOU!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 4:56pm
He sounds damaged. Is he controlling in other ways? If I stayed with him, I would ask him to get some intensive counseling with you so he learns how to heal from this problem and he sees that you are not a cheater even though that other woman was.

Good luck. If you cannot get him some help, maybe consider breaking up because that problem, unaddressed, will only get worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 8:48am

As much as you want to try to excuse his behavior with his past , it still is wrong. You can not be blamed, or punished for what his ex has done....you are not her. You think its going to get better?It wont. It'll probably get much worse. People do not change.....


" when

 

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 11:55am

This is a potentially dangerous situation, as your boyfriend has a serious problem with suspiciousness and it can and often does escalate quite a bit. When it does it becomes abusive to the partner, destructive of her freedom and causes the partner to be punished for his fears. It is clear that he has not worked out the trauma he went through with his previous marriage. Now he is playing out all his anger with his former wife and fears with you. The only way he can get through this is to seek professional therapy and work hard at it. Then, in the future, he may be ready for a healthy realtionship based upon trust. His suspicions and behavior have nothing to do with you. You do not have to justify yourself. While they make you feel terrible (one of the dangers in this situation), they are clearly related to his issues and former marriage. As long as he is not realizing that and taking responsibility for his feelings, and deciding to work on it, the best recourse for you is to get out of this situation as quickly as you can. Even if he should decide to go to therapy, it could take a long while for him to work this out. Be aware of what you are in and make a healthy choice for yourself. There is no reason you should be a battering board for his problems.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 11:58am
'I don't think it is fair that I have to suffer from his insecurities.'

I agree with you. Unless he gets some help you can not live like this. Tell him that. It sounds like he didn't have enough time to work on himself and recovering from the break-up.

If I were you I would take an official break and if he wants to work on the relationship he will do something proactive to rid his jealousy and insecurity problems like seek counseling for it. This will also give you time to reflect and decide if he is really right for you.

If he refuses to work on himself or continues to blame you then he is a lost cause and you are better off without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 1:17am
I was reading the post after posting my own request for advice and thought you sound a lot like me. The good thing is you are not married to this man. This makes it much easier for you to leave if he refuses to ackowledge he has a problem and work on this issue. You may have something wonderful together however; if his behavior continues you will be asking the same question for years. My husband of 11 years is insanely jealous. I am a faithful wife and good mother; yes, I feel like an club hopping slut when he confronts me with NOTHING- I am always on the defensive though I have done NOTHING. He has actually smelled me when I return from work. I have no social life and he is jealous of even my family. I have put my foot down several times; I have left him; I sought marriage counseling. We drove to the counselor and he left me there and decided not to go through with it. Now with two children it is not as simple as just picking up and leaving; I feel my self esteem dwindling. I hope that you give serious thought to the kind of relationship you want. I fear that men like this really can't change. These men think that everyone else is the problem and that they have no problem. The world has wronged him or his ex wife wronged him and this jealousy is the product. You can either decide you will accept this relationship and accept this man for who he is and be prepared to pay the consequences of his jealous rampage OR you can leave now before it gets too complicated. I thought my husband would get over his insecurities. I have found that he is just sapping away my feelings of self worth.

One year is a long time that you have committed to this relationship but, you sound like you have so much to offer and this man surely is taking you for granted and doesn't respect all that you are. Cut you losses now or be prepared for some serious therapy and if he doesn't think he needs help . . . RUN!

Good luck to you and God Bless.

CJANNIE

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 1:58am

GET! OUT! NOW!


that's the advice i have for you.


your bf is controlling you - HE has a problem, this has NOTHING to do with you, or with his ex, or whatever. HE has issues. the longer you stay with him, the worse things will get.


<> you see - you are already in trouble. you are losing your identity, you