boyfriend doesn't trust the person I am

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
boyfriend doesn't trust the person I am
3
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:11am
My boyfriend of 9 months has some trust issues. He says that over the past several weeks, since he has started to see me more as an ideal partner for him, he has become very sensitive to picking out even the slightest of things in whatever I do, say, laugh about, etc that don't quite add up to the person he has always seen me as being. We have very similar personalities, but he will find himeself pondering whether we are all that similar and compatible after all, he says he has been questioning the parts of my personality that he loves most. He feels embarrassed, that the thoughts going through his mind are often ridiculous but he can't seem to control them, and I'm worried he will lose faith in our ability to stick by eachother in tough periods such as this, he has already said to me that the fact these thoughts are occurring have made him feel so uncomfortable that our relationship doesn't feel right to him at the moment. However, I know that he still loves me, and deep down he wants to save this. He didn't decide to tell me about it until little under a week ago, which I'm gathering may have something to do with how bad it has become. We're in a long distance relationship, but see eachother most weekends, and when I go see him tomorrow we have planned to talk in more depth about who we are as people, giving him reassurance and helping us to understand eachother even more so. Can anybody relate here? Are there any suggestions as to how we can save our relationship?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:17am

First of all, you can't stay in a relationship happily where you are always under scrutiny and have to live up to some "image" of who your boyfriend wants you to be. Not only is this an unbearable pressure on you, but it's unfair to expect this. Each peson is who they are. They have a right to be that way. If their partner is so insecure and controlling that they question every little aspect of that, the partner needs help with thier own insecurity. Your boyfriend needs to understand what's going on in his head. It's unhealthy and has nothing to do with you. You do not have to reassure him about anything about yourself. You are as you are. And beyond that, as years go by, you will change as will he. That's simply the nature of living. If he can't accept differences between the two of you, change and many aspects of a person, he's not able or ready to be in a relationship with anyone. Tell him to get some professional counselling with his own fears and doubts. Then think carefully if this is a good situation for you.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:48am
I think it takes at least an entire year to really know a person well, for who they are. If your bf is now starting to feel you are different as a person than "the person he has always seen me as being" then to me that means he had you on some sort of fantasy pedestal and now he's finding out, as most people do, that you're a real person with faults, ideosyncracies, etc. -- not an idol to worship or a dream girl who is perfect. If that makes him uncomfortable then he needs to look inside himself to figure out how realistic he is being in the search for a partner. Nobody is perfect. It's when you find someone who you feel is truly "perfect for me" even with their faults, etc. that you may have found a right fit for yourself. Does he love YOU or the "person he has always seen as being"? That's what he needs to figure out for himself. Also, I never have understood LDRs b/c I think you need to get to know a person IN person, through lots and lots of face to face interaction. If you're developingn this relationship mainly over the phone, computer, whatever with only weekends to be together, then that is probably aiding him in continuing any fantasy persona he has assigned to you. Also, just b/c you love someone and/or want a relationship doesn't mean they're right for you. It takes LOTS of things to be in sync for BOTH people to find a truly happy and successful relationship that stands the test of time. Just some things to think about. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:50am
Well said.