Boyfriend Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Boyfriend Issues
2
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 7:00pm
Well me and my boyfriend only been going out for two months now and everything was going well or so I'd say then all of a sudden within the second month things already started to grow boring (we already starting to grow apart in my eyes!) How can I spice this relationship up???? ADVISE PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:16pm
Two months?


Personally, to me, a relationship develops in stages. When you meet someone, you don't know much about them, you notice certain things, feel an attraction, but you can't see the emotional baggage they carry with them. You want to get to know the person better. Where do you start? Do you try to get to know them on different levels - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically?

In my opinion, takes about a month to develop each and the longer you wait for the physical the better, because everyone can hide their true personality for awhile, usually 3-4 months. Then things change because they aren't just trying to 'get you' or trying to be nice or impress you.

a) Mentally - do you have enough stimulating conversation about a variety of things (not just about when the next time you are going to hook up together) Do you have common interests, like doing the same things, share an activity (not sex) or a hobby. Any uncomfortable pauses in the communication. How about long term goals, career objectives, plans for the future?

b) Emotionally, do you connect? How does the other person feel about family, friends, kids, small animals? Are they compassionate? Empathetic? When you have a bad day do they listen to you or blow you off? Do they really listen or are they distracted at the same time, looking away, wishing they were somewhere else, cut you short? Does the person try to isolate you from your friends and family? Huge red flag.

c) Spiritually - do you have the same belief system on some level or do they think your beliefs are 'out there.' How important is your faith? How important is their faith? Enough to share it?

Sure there are other factors, things like family, friends, schedules, are they ashamed of you, do they take you out in public, does his/her family/friends know about you, have you met them. Do they trust you? Do you trust them?

There is so much that goes into a relationship. It's easy to get attached right away if you jump right into in bed. It makes it harder to let go if you slept with the person right away, only to find out that your life goals are so different and/or that there are major compatibility issues, yet because of the physical relationship people will try to hold on to a bad relationship longer than just reading the signs of incompatibility.



Carrie

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:29pm

In the beginning we only see what is wonderful about the other, or see our "fantasies" about them, the dreams we have, and think are now coming true. This is the basis of infatuation, and feeling high about a person. After time passes and reality sets in, some people say they are bored, or that the love is fading. The truth is that what you felt in the beginning wasn't love, but excitement, fantasy and infatuation. The best way to "spice" something up is to really get to know the person, and to really let them know you. There's nothing more exciting than becoming real with another, opening yourself up, and communicating in such a way that both of you feel really understood. Read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love - it deals with this issue in depth. It talks about what it really takes to fall in love and stay that way and exercises are included.


Best wishes.