Boyfriend Lives With Another Woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2007
Boyfriend Lives With Another Woman
4
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:30pm

About 5 months ago my boyfriend moved in with a female friend of his. Before he moved her I let him know this concerned me. He convinced me it would be ok and I went into it being optimistic and accepting.

After he moved in with her I found out that she sleeps with married men and doesn’t think anything is really wrong with it. I started noticing their relationship was, what I consider, inappropriate. They share a computer in his bedroom (she has free access to it). They would have conversations about sex and deep personal stuff and sit on each others beds and chit chat. He feels going out for dinner or to the movies alone with her is appropriate. They have gone out with other couples together (which he lied about and I later found out about).

He has stopped many of these behaviors, but they still live together and share the computer connection in his room. Our problem is that I still can’t shake the feeling that my boyfriend has a substitute live-in girlfriend and he is left feeling controlled. To compound his feeling of being controlled, I put my foot down when he was having conversations with a topless girl on myspace as well as affectionate conversations with an x-girlfriend (both he has stopped – but is left feeing controlled).

How do we move past this? Is it ok for a man in a committed relationship live with a woman and if so what are the rules?. How can I approach matters like this without making him feel controlled?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:48pm

hi,

i don't think you need us to tell you whether or not your bf living w/another woman is right or wrong. honey, we can't speak for you, we can only tell you our opinion. so, if you think your bf living w/another woman is fine then its fine - if not then its not.

at this point, all you can do is try to talk to your bf and let him know how uncomfortable the situation makes you. try using "i" statements instead of "you" statements and then see what happens. if the progression after the talk is not up to your standards/terms of agreement its up to you to decide if you want to continue to put up w/it.

question, why did your bf move in w/another woman and not you?

e.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 3:49pm

Well, my first reaction was that I wouldn't stay with a man who wanted to live with another woman.

Jilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 4:58pm

Welcome to the board goddess_cl55,


A man living with a woman other than this gf doesn't have to be a problem. However, in this case it seems like he is taking things to go by going out with her on what appears to be double dates. Plus you have caught him talking to a topless girl and myspace and talking inappropriately with this ex.


In my opinion, it doesn't seem like this relationship is working out for either one of you. You don't trust him and he feels controlled. It may be time to rethink the relationship.


Would he be willing to go to couples counseling with you?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:06pm

'he was having conversations with a topless girl on myspace as well as affectionate conversations with an x-girlfriend'

Why would you want to move past this? It is time to find someone who wants to be exclusive with you.