Boyfriend looking at internet porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Boyfriend looking at internet porn
3
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 2:03pm

I just discovered that my boyfriend was looking at internet porn, quite disturbing images too, I am distraught and torn up about it. I havent had a chance to confront him with it yet.

Also I might add that we dont have much of a sex life either and he goes out a lot and I usually don't know where he is and I don't ask questions just because. I wont get into all the details.

I am thinking that we should go our seperate ways but we have a 2 year old daughter together and I think she's the only reason we live together anyway.

Please advise, give me your thoughts and opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 2:20pm
Even though I personally don't agree with internet porn, I know that a lot of men and women look at it. Sometimes it can even become an addiction. But in your post it sounds like you have more things to worry about than if he is looking at porn. How was this porn disturbing? was it violent or had little kids? if so, you should think about your child and leave or confront him about the porn because then it is a very serious issue.

YOu say you don't have much of a sex life. Have you talked to him about this? have you both always have sex infrequently or is this a new problem? it could be that he is looking at the porn too much and losing interest in you OR it could be that while is out he is cheating on you.

If you haven't discussed the sexual problems you 2 are having you need too.

Also why can't you ask your man where he is going? esp. if you 2 have a child together. Any time my husband goes out, he tells me where he is going, who is going with and he calls me and lets me know if he is going to be late or if his plans change. I do the same thing if I go out, I let him know where i am going, etc.

You should at least be able to ask him. What if an emergency happened with your child and you needed to reach him and his cell didn't work? You should know where he is at.

I think the bigger issue here is him going out a lot and not giving you details. I know finding out your man looks at porn is hard to deal with for some women, but I would worry more about who and what he is doing in real life.

YOu say that you feel like you only live together for your daughter... do you still love him? do you thnk he's cheating? has he shown any signs of cheating? have you discussed the porn issue at all?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 2:55pm

yes I still love him but am not in love anymore.

There have'nt been any real signs of cheating.

in regards to when he is out, sometimes I know where he is, usually at the bar but sometimes when he says he is going to hang out with his "friend" I don't know who he is talking about and why is is that his "friends" don't call the house and I don't know who they are. But the fact is I do not go out too often so therefore I do not get too meet his friends.

I do have a close girlfriend who I can confide in and she is supportive and disgusted by what I told her about him.

The thing is my boyfriend has sworn to me that he would tell me if something was going on with another woman because he is not that type of person who goes behind your back and I do believe him. We once had a pretty strong relationship as far as honesty goes or so I think.
In the past we have discussed going our seperate ways but I think ultimately it comes down to money, neither one of us can afford to live on our own and he does not want to be away from his daughter, as he loves her very much.

I appreciate your advice and found it to be helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 3:38pm

You've accepted the situation as it is because why? Because you don't want to move, don't want to confront him, don't want your relationship to change? Obviously, he's using porn as a substitute for a sexual relationship with you. He goes out, you don't know with who, he's not investing any time, effort or energy into the relationship and he gets to do exactly what he wants.

Consider counseling. Reading material:
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

My best to you on your difficult decision.


Carrie