Boyfriend not pulling his weight...frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2012
Boyfriend not pulling his weight...frustrated
7
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 11:31am
I have been living with my SO now for about 5 months, for the most part, we are very happy and in love. He is very attentive, romantic, and does not go a day without telling me he loves me or appreciates everything I do. I feel loved by him in that respect, BUT…I feel a lot of resentment towards him and it's affecting me. Why? When we first met he was going through a divorce (now filed) and was going through some very hard financial times. He had just returned from 2 years working overseas, and accepted a job in my town and moved here to start a new life. He moved in with me (my suggestion, not his, not the smartest move I admit) and for the first few months I did not ask him for any rent. Then starting in January he said he would start paying half of the rent and help with groceries. It is now April and he has only helped me occasionally out with rent. It isn’t that I even need the money, but it’s the principle. He makes good money but I know it’s taking some time for him to play catch up after settling a lot of financial debt from his divorce. I won't go into many details, we all divorce is not cheap, but his estranged wife had also brought alot of debt into the marriage (spent thousands on pyramid schemes and home based business that went belly up). No, this wasn't a lie on his part, I saw it with my own eyes, and talking with his friends and relatives, she did have some issues. But of course, his financial mess is not my problem. I know he means well and his heart is in the right place, but I can’t help feeling taken advantage of. He also does very little around the house, and I work full-time too. In a few months I have to move out of my house I am renting (house being sold) and honestly I don’t know if I want to live with him if things don't improve. If we get another apt together it is OUR apartment and he has to pay half or get his own place. How do I bring this up with him? I want this to work out, but he needs to carry his weight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 11:38am

I know I'd be directly asking him for his 1/2 of the rent--now the fact that you even have to ask is disturbing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 12:17pm

When you take on someone with problems, you take on their problems too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 1:52pm
Who knows how long it's going to take him to clear up all his financial issues.
But that's not your problem is it? Nor should it be. You just need to be honest with him and tell him he needs to pay his share (as agreed upon initially) when and if he does move into the new place with you. If you "already feel a lot of resentment towards him now and it's affecting you" this will just get worse the longer it goes on. Time to speak up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 03-31-2012 - 5:06pm

Edelweiss, you feel as if he is taking advantage of you because he IS taking advantage of you.

Now, I'm not going to recommend communication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 2:07am

Edelweiss, you wrote pretty much the same thing to us in early February Woes of dating a seperated man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 3:00am
I wondered that too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2012
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 6:52pm

I feel your pain, I've def. been in a relationship where the other party was NOT pulling their weight though they said they would. The resentment is coming from the fact that you haven't addressed the issue, which you should. If I were you, I'd just bring up the fact that you're lease is coming to an end and that you'd prefer to continue the relationship at separate residences. You don't owe him anything and you've been more than accommodating dealing with the divorce. You could also add that it was always a "temporary arrangement" since you knew your lease would be coming to an end.

The Chic Motivator - Author of: Bitch, You're Tryin' It (coming Spring 2012) http://www.thechicmotivator.com http://www.linkedin.com/in/siritawright