boyfriend problem?? please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
boyfriend problem?? please help!!
15
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 2:02am
hi. well, i KINDA have a boyfriend problem (or it might just be my imagination)..well my boyfriend and i have been dating for 3 and a half months...whoa hes like perfect to me in every way...hes gorgeous, hes got like the best personality and i love him with all of my heart! the first 2 months of our relationship, it was like nothing could keep us apart for too long and we were together every single day and even when we had to go home for the night we got right on the phone to talk to eachother...we have had the coolest conversations and we know eachother very well now...soon after our 3 month anniversery he told me he loved me...OMG i wanted to scream for joy because i love him the same way..i didnt think i would hear those words so soon and its funny cuz that day i was thinking about him and i realized that i was like soo head over heels in love with him and i wanted to say it but didnt have the guts to yet..then he told me how he felt, and later i told him that i feel the same way about him. i was sooo happy and still am...but for the last month hes been soo stressed/depressed about his job, his parents, school, friends, and things that have happened recently in his life(good and bad). and i totally understand because we all get that way sometimes...but then i didnt get to see him as often as before and when i did its like hes always complaing about things..and im willing to listen if it makes himm feel better to vent about stuff but its like thats all he does now is vent...he doesnt act so "loving" anymore and he doesnt talk about why..for weeks that made me depressed and i cried alot. then he realized that i was upset and he started talking to me about things and about us which made me feel so much better then he started comming around more and being his happy self again. now like maybe a week and a half later....its like he seems sooo much more busy then usual (and he is cuz now hes working overtime to make more money and stuff)and hes stressed again (from my observation)...but now i feel so unimportant cuz like ill call him and he'll be like im with my friend so and so and ill call u later, or i went here today (im here thinking why couldnt i come along)...im soo glad that hes hanging out with his friends im not mad about it but its like (i dont know how to explain this!!! and its frusterating...so i dunno if this is making sense) i feel like im being put on hold until he does everything and anything with anyone and everyone else before he sees me... but i dont complain about it i just let him do his thing and give him his space. we havent even had a real conversation in like a week almost...i feel like he doesnt care about me and cant wait to get away from me or something...??? im just confused...on the phone we usually say our goodbyes for the night before we go to bed and then we say our i love you's before we hang up every night. usually he says i love you first but like i dunno he seems hesitant now to say it even tho he was the 1st to say how he felt about me in our relationship. so i said it first and he said it back quick and hung up the phone (ok so hes reallllly tired but that doesnt mean that he has to hurry to say goodnight when it only takes a few seconds). tonight hes like im soo tired ill call u tomorrow whenn i get home ..then he quickly said bye bye..i said i love you to him and then HE hung up the phone. i wasnt even done saying goodnight..whats that mean????? im sooo scared that hes sick of me for some reason??? he doesnt talk about it but i feel like somethings wrong (with me)... i have tried talking to him about it but its soo hard to bring up and i dont know what to say and when i try to say something i break down crying. what are the right words???? he doesnt even say i miss you anymore..hes acting weird towards me again and this time i dunno why..hes been there for his friends and family for the past few weeks but hes doesnt realize(it doesnt seem like he cares) that hes hurting me because in all honesty he hasnt been there for me (or at least it feels like that). i dont get a call from him till like an hour before he goes to bed everynight. he 'could' call during the day even for a minute but he doesnt. and i just want him to tell me that he loves me and show it and tell me that everythings ok again. i want him to talk to me like im important to him.. i dunno, its hard to describe this. he knows that i love him more than anything in this world, i've told him this many times. i tell him i love him everyday..especially when i dont get to see him as often as before. do u think that im smothering him or something? am i being too obsessive over him maybe?? do u think that maybe i say i love you to him too much?? but whats wrong with telling him that i love him everyday when i really do love him? he told me once that im the only one outta all the girls he has dated in his life that he really really cares for. he said that he hasnt said i love you, and really meant it, to any girl in years, that he really truly loves me, and im the only girl that he was ever "this attatched too" (in his words). he told me that he wants a long-term relationship with me, and i want a long-term(very long) relationship with him as well, he knows that. in fact it was him that asked me how long i wanted us to go out for and i told him 'a very long time' and hes like thats good, me too. so why is he acting so weird now? is it because hes stressed out? will this blow off? what do i do in the meantime? i wanna talk to him about this and tell him how i feel, but i dont know the right words to say? i dont know how to bring it up. can someone help???? my heart is sinking! this is depressing me! i dont want this to screw up our relationship. i dont understand guys sometimes..HELP!!!!!!

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:56am

Maybe it is just the stress of his life that is getting him down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:19pm
All you can do right now is back off.

When you first started dating you spent every waking second together. You both rushed things and even though you "felt" love, what you might have been feeling was infatuation. Now that he has heard that you love him and he has you, he doesn't have to put forth as much effort anymore to win your love. It's common that his reaction is to pull away, while your reaction is to become more needy. Very common! Calling him all the time and telling him that he loves you is only going to push him away more. There is a chance that he may never rebound, and the only lesson you can take from this is, don't give up everythign to spend every day together in the relationship. Get to know him slowly. If he does rebound, take things slowly and get to know him, while maintaining your relationships with friends, family, and activities. That's my two cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:47pm
i have backed off..i dont complain about anything to him about anything that hes been doing...i dont call him "all the time". we call *eachother* every day(even if we dont talk for long). *everyday* on the phone HE'll say "call me tomorrow" or "i'll call you when i get home"..and i call him when he asks me too, when he asks me too. its not like i call his house 50 millions times a day. maybe he just needs MORE space to deal with stuff and work out his problems? i'll try my very best! thanks for the advice! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 5:34pm
agree with the other two - i mean, you can tell him that you know he's distant, and you are therefore confused by it somehow. don't do it blamingly or angrily, just calmly tell him - then back off. go to the movies with your friends, read a book, go jogging, running.. etc. have your own hobbies and if he sees what he's doing, he'll come back. it happens a lot and sometimes you just have give it room and not push it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:17pm
but its sooo hard! its breaking my heart! tonight he called my cell by accident looking fo r one of his friends and hes like well i will call u later with an enthusiastic voice... he got online and before he left he wrote to me 'call u later' i fell asleep waiting for him to call, i wake up, check the phone and no calls. got online and had a messege that said 'cant call tonight' without even an explaination. im sorry but i feel hurt by that...thats how things have been going.. stuff like that happening but no explainations.. why cant he call to talk even for a minute? im just soo confused..and despite all of your advice, i dont know what to do? i feel totally lost!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:36pm
I know you're really confused about what's going on with him guy's are like that. You really need to go on a calling strike and wait for him or call him every other day or two or three. I used to do that when I got sad little responses from past boyfriends. You'd be suprised how fast they call when you back off and act like it's no big deal to talk to him. It seems to be just the phone calls that bother him and maybe you can set up certain days to chat or meet. He is also stressed so remember to let him blow off steam. When my husband has had a bad day he finds relief in talking to his closest friend so he doesn't steam off on me and yes I get upset sometimes but remind myself he's letting his nerves calm down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:40am
but the problem is i dont get to see him often anymore..on top of 14 hour shifts at work, he is taking some classes now right after work. so now its usually like hes *actually home* by 9pm everynight and in bed by 10:30 at the latest to get up at 4am for work again the next day.. thats the way its been for a few weeks.. so i dont bug him about seing him because i dont want him to get upset with me. hes always tired and i know that and i understand, but not being able to see him or at least talking to him usually results in me cryin my eyes out in my room every single night. hes been saying that we'll hang out for like almost a week but something always comes up...or hes with his friends. and im not mad about him hanging out with his friends(not at all!) but its not like he even seems sorry that he doesnt/cant see me often anymore..:-\ ..still a bit confused...but thanks..about waiting for him to call ME sounds like a really good idea, but at the same time im afraid that i wont hear from him..
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 8:26am
If he doesn't reutrn your phone calls isn't it better to know where you stand? If he decides not to contact you then you deserve someone who will be able to give you some of his time. You seem like a nice girl and I'm sure there are plenty of other guys who will make time for you. Also he may feel that he doesn't have time for a relationship so you need to find out what's going on w/him. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 8:52am
YOu got to bite down hard now and do the hard thing. I would make myself totally unavailable to him for a little while. When he calls make up an excuse. I was sleeping or I am watching this cool tv program. Can I call you back and just hang up. Don't call back. Don't ask to see him. Give him more space then he even wants. Stop saying I love you.

Take the hint and either keep yourself busy or just sit around and cry. But don't call and make it look like you have your own life. This is the only way you will get him back to where you want him. If you don't then to he-- with him.

And I mean it..... don't play into the trap. Its only going to go totally down the tubes if you cry and scream and call and beg. So just do what is hard to do here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:12am
I know exactly what you're going thru, I have definitely been there, quite recently actually. My boyfriend and I spent way too much time together for the first couple months, and then he said that he thought we should "take a break" and that he needed his space, but he didn't want to break up. And I pushed him. I kept calling him, and asking to see him, and even showed up at his house unannounced a couple times, which did not make him happy. After that we had a big discussion about how he didn't know what he wanted. So after that, I quit calling him, letting him call me. I didn't see him for about 3 1/2 weeks, but he called me every few days. Then, a couple nights ago, he called and asked me to come see him, so I did. You just have to be patient, and, like everyone else said, give him space and time. My bf is under a lot of stress right now too, and the last thing he wants to think about is emotions and relationships and stuff. And if you push him to figure it all out, he's just gonna get frustrated and break things off because it's become to much of a hassle to him. So the best thing you can do is make plans with friends you neglected when you first got together with him, and just keep busy. Only call him every few days, or wait for him to call you. If he's really stressed out, what he needs from you is friendship and support, not pressure to "figure things out." Let him know you're there for him, but that you understand he needs time and you're willing to give it too him. You just have to figure out how much time you're going to give him before you have to move on with your life. You can't wait on him forever. But I can't help you with that, sorry!

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