Boyfriend Problems!! Please Read!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Boyfriend Problems!! Please Read!!!
7
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 1:41pm
What would you do if you love your boyfriend very much and he was really sweet and nice when you met him. You have been going out wit him for one year and everything is going GREAT until suddenly he starts to change. He says isnt sure if he loves you. To add on to that everyday you have to listen to him talkin about how he isnt sure if you are the one for him and that he might want another girl. He isnt sweet and lovin anymore sometimes he acts cold and he treats you like crap. You have tired EVERYTHING possible to help him. You have been there for him supported him even if it hurts you deeply to hear him say he doesnt kno if you are the one. Everyday you get hurt emotionaly cause of this you give him all your love and time and always try to be there and he doesnt seem to appriciate it or understand how GREAT your being to him. You feel like NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO he always says " what if there is someone better". What would you do? Would you dump him or not?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 1:54pm
I'd "dump" him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 2:37pm

why are you letting him treat you like this? remember - you cannot control other people, but you can control yourself. he is treating you like crap, he is mean to you, he says he doesn't love you, and it sounds like he is basically laying the groundwork for cheating on you.


believe him.


he doesn't want to be with you.


you deserve to be with someone who loves you, cherishes you, wants you.


hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:23pm
This is similar to my current relationship problem. But my bf said that he still need to figure things out. Im still waiting but we're living long distance so imagine the odds....

Yes it's dumb, women like us deserve so much more. I have been reading the discussions here and it's slowly making me angry on men and in relationships in general. But deep inside me, I still love my bf and I am still hoping and praying that we'll get back together for good just like before. It's a crazy feeling. I wanted to appear independent and strong like how I used to be when I did not have a boyfriend but now, I feel like crap jsut because of some sorry guy who doesnt know what love really means.

Anyways, I guess the best thing to do is to give him the time/space that he needs without breaking up if you still love him and work on getting over him in the background. So, whether or not he decides to come back to you, you'll be fine. I wish I could that but right now it's pretty hard for me it should take practice I guess.

Whatever happens, I wish for the best for you.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:30pm
Sounds alot like my last relationship, and eventually I had to end it because it just gets too hard and either one of you are happy. I learned the hard way that is important to be with someone that appreciates you and everything you do for them. If they don't and are always doubting if you are the one, then it is time to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:06pm
Deathstrike, I think it takes a lot to admit how you're feeling. We all want to come off as independent, liberated, strong-minded women who know a man's place is not at the center of our lives. But I commend you for admitting to the feelings of insecurity and hurt you have.

Remember, these men don't control you. They may have the power to hurt you and make you feel insecure, but you're in control of your actions. You're in control of how much you give. It's a tall order to give, give, give, and not expect a man to take, take, take. He may see that he doesn't need to put forth any effort to get you to give, give, give in return. You'll just do it because you love him. So, what's to motivate him to give anything back to you? Because it's the right thing to do? Yes, I agree. But it's not the path of least resistance.

Without knowing your relationships better, I can't give you firm advice. I can say that in the first six months of my relationship, we were very up and down, and I went through a lot of heartache and insecurity. But I did just what Deathstrike advised; I gave him time and space, but really got my own life together while I was at it. I made myself ready to accept it if he didn't want to get serious. And add to that complete openness and honesty. I had to muster up some courage, but I made him tell me exactly what was going through his mind, and let him know just was and wasn't acceptable to me. They weren't harsh terms, but they were firm. And we weathered that storm, and now we've been together for two years, a million times stronger than ever.

BUT the point is, make it clear what your needs are, and don't center your life on fulfilling his needs. All that does is lower his respect for you, not view you as a partner in this relationship, and give him no reason to address your needs. Claim what's yours, and don't accept less. If he won't give it to you, WALK AWAY.

Lilprincesabella , it sounds like this guy doesn't have enough respect for you, and my instinct is that you should send him packing. But you know your relationship best, and that is your call. Either way, I hope you both find happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:30pm
Take a step back for a moment and look at your situation... you know the answer to your own question. Take a deep breath and know that you're going to hurt and you're going to cry. Time to let him go... he's not ready. Nothing you do will convince him - and if you're honest with yourself, you know this. His insecurities about commitment are his own and only he can eliminate his fears. What you can do is move forward knowing that there are nice men out there who will love you for everything you are. Great people are out there and remember - just like jobs - the next guy that comes along is ALWAYS better than the one before. :) Matters of the heart are never simple. Let this be a positive experience and one that brings you into the arms of a man ready to love back with all the passion you have. He's out there...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 7:09pm
Wow...I am SO sorry. I hope I don't come off sounding mean...because my tone is totally sympathetic to you. That being said WHY are you with this guy? Because of how he treated you before all of this stuff? Well, think of it this way (even though there have been good times. Take away the history for a moment and let's say you just met him now, and he immidiately started treating you this way. Would you continue seeing him? What if your friend started dating a guy like this? What would you tell her? It sounds to me like he is VERY immature, as well as insecure. Someone who treats anyone (esp the person they love) like crap and who stays with you while saying they think they can find something better is also someone who has huge self esteem issues. I don't care how cute or cool or confident he is, he can and does have a self esteem problem. In this case, it's not you it's him. However, he's not going to get counseling for it or couples counseling with you, because I'm sure he thinks there is no problem.

Next time he is mean to you or disrespectful or belittles you or says he thinks he can do better...do yourself a favor and YOU go find someone better, because I bet you could in no time. I'm not saying rush out and get another guy, but try to walk away from this jerk (I know, easier said than done), but try. I'd also think about working on yourself. It seems like he's torn you down a lot and yet you are still with him. This might be a big self esteem issue that you have with yourself. You might need some "you" time because you can't have a healthy relationship until you are happy and confident with yourself.

I hope things work out for you. You certainly deserve better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 7:21pm
Thanks sugarbaby317. I have learned a lot from our breakup and I know it was mostly my fault why he seemed to have lost interest but now that we're back together and trying even though he's still not sure about his feelings, I just look at this as a chance to show him how much I care but also trying not to smother him at the same time. I am still not ready if he decides to break up but I am getting there hopefully. I am focusing on bringing our friendship back and showing him that I am a strong and independent woman but not too distant to make him think that I dont want him anymore (in fact I sent him a card where I just listed the things I love about him and our relationship.)

I hope that's the right thing to do. I also make it a point that I understand his need for space right now and he doesnt have to worry about me..that I am just here for him all the way.