Boyfriend say I give him Drama

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Boyfriend say I give him Drama
2
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 12:16pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. He says I give him drama all the time. Recently we haven't seen each other for only a couple of days vs seing each other 5 times a week. We decided to cut down on seeing each other because we were on top of each other all the time. He hates arguing because he doesn't think that a good relationship shouldn't have to argue. I think it's normal that couples argue just so that we know what bothers us and what we like or don't like. Anyway, to make a long story short here it goes.

Wednesday, I called him to see how he was doing. He said he was depressed and getting emotional. So, I was there to listen to him and told him it's ok and don't get emotional. I just wanted to help. So, he said that he can get emotional if he wants. So I said ok. I didn't argue any further about that. Then he mentioned some personal issues about us. Then I said what does it have to do with your being depressed. Then he got really emotional and said he didn't want to talk anymore and asked if it was ok. So, I said ok. That's when I hung up. An hour later I IM him and said if he needs or want to talk to call me anytime. He IM back and said that's what he tried to but I didn't want to listen. I then called him and told him that it's not that I didn't want to listen to him. Then he said if I stayed longer on the phone I would actually hear the whole story. Then I told him you didn't want to talk anymore. He said I don't remember saying that. Then I said you asked if it was ok. Remember? Then he was silent. Then he starting asking me about what kind of expectations I have about him and why do I give him drama all the time. So, I was like I remember Monday being all fun. Was that drama all the time? He was silent. Then I got really mad and I said that I don't want to talk anymore.

Next night I had called him and I don't know why I do this all the time. Why do I have to be the one who's trying to do the making up? I have myself to blame for that. It's obvious he was the one who was giving me drama that night. Anyway, he answered his phone and was acting really weird like he was having a lot of fun with his friend from work. So, I said I was just calling to see if you were doing ok. He repeated my question on how he was doing and answered it in a cocky way saying that he's chilling and making friends and having fun. Does his friend need to hear that? He was acting a little weird. Maybe it wasn't a big deal but I felt like he was doing it out of spite. Then he asked me how I was doing then I told him that his friend doesn't need to hear things between us and said good night.

This morning I left him a message at work asking if he was ok. I said he was acting a little weird. Actually sounded kind of high. Anyway, bye. After I left that message I felt bad because words came out wrong and tried to leave a second message to tell him that I should have said that you were acting a little weird but then again you sounded high so I guess you were having fun there. But, when I wanted to leave him that second message he actually picked up the phone. So, I said honey. He said hi baby. how you doing. I said I'm good. I told him that I was going to leave him a message telling him about the weirdness came out wrong. Then he says I was just having fun with my friend and YOU"RE WEIRD, THAT'S DRAMA BABY!! Then tells me that he has a lot of work to do and we'll talk later. Now I'm upset because my boyfriend called me weird in a mean way. Do you think there's any need I should put up with that? Should our relationship continue since he claims that I give him drama all the time. I don't think he can take pressure that well.

I'm sorry that this is really long. I'm just really upset right now to hear him call me that in such a mean way..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:26pm
Has your relationship always been like this - back and forth, snippy with each other, short? Him being unhappy? Blaming you? Also how old are you both? Does he do drugs?

Personally from reading this it sounds as if he's looking outside himself for happiness. Yet, also, if I may point out a few things that may help you in other situations like this?

::I called him to see how he was doing. He said he was depressed and getting emotional. So, I was there to listen to him and told him it's ok and don't get emotional. I just wanted to help. So, he said that he can get emotional if he wants. So I said ok. I didn't argue any further about that.

Hon, his feelings are his feelings no matter how you feel about his feelings. He was right to say, if I want to get emotional I will. By telling him not to get emotional - you were basically dismissing his feelings and making it pretty much impossible for him to share with you. A better approach would have been to just listen. And say something like, when he said he was depressed, ask him to tell you about it, or ask what do you think it's from? Then listen. When he tells you the list of things, don't interrupt and don't try to offer solutions (don't try to fix it). People love and need to be HEARD when they are down and feel like no one cares.



::Then he mentioned some personal issues about us. Then I said what does it have to do with your being depressed. Then he got really emotional and said he didn't want to talk anymore and asked if it was ok. So, I said ok.

This is pretty typical, one thing can feed another or once you start sharing all the other stuff (the real issues) come up naturally. And this time instead of listening, you kind of pointed out the obvious (kind of) but it also shut him down from wanting to talk and share with you about emotional stuff. It's like trying to defend yourself against all the things bugging him, part of them he might not even really mean, but they are on his mind and he needs to say them to you, share them with you. Sharing and listening this way is the best way to feel emotionally close to someone.


::He IM back and said that's what he tried to but I didn't want to listen. I then called him and told him that it's not that I didn't want to listen to him. Then he said if I stayed longer on the phone I would actually hear the whole story. Then I told him you didn't want to talk anymore. He said I don't remember saying that. Then I said you asked if it was ok. Remember? Then he was silent.

So after feeling unheard, he got upset, his feelings were hurt and rather than the two of you taking more time to cool down, you both proceed to blame the other for the lack of communication.

::Then he starting asking me about what kind of expectations I have about him and why do I give him drama all the time. So, I was like I remember Monday being all fun. Was that drama all the time? He was silent. Then I got really mad and I said that I don't want to talk anymore.

Now you are both angry at not being heard and understood. You got mad because he couldn't admit that he didn't was forgetting about some of the good days the two of you have together. Have you ever asked him to fully explain what 'drama' means to him? It sounds as if it means two different things to both of you....while I would agree with you that he gives you more drama than you give him, but of course that is based on my defination of the word.

::he answered his phone and was acting really weird like he was having a lot of fun with his friend from work. So, I said I was just calling to see if you were doing ok. He repeated my question on how he was doing and answered it in a cocky way saying that he's chilling and making friends and having fun. Does his friend need to hear that? He was acting a little weird. Maybe it wasn't a big deal but I felt like he was doing it out of spite.

He probably was....showing off in front of a coworker (male?) or trying to impress a coworker (female?).

::I said I'm good. I told him that I was going to leave him a message telling him about the weirdness came out wrong. Then he says I was just having fun with my friend and YOU"RE WEIRD, THAT'S DRAMA BABY!!

To me, it sounds as if he has some really, really lows and some really, really highs emotionally. Only you heard his tone when he said you were weird...he might have thought is was weird that you would call back to leave another message about your first message, or maybe weird was a catch-all word for ODD.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Growing pains it sounds like. Take some time to determine how compatible you are - do you have the same goals in life, want the same things for the future, working towards it?

There are also some techinques to communicating that might help - have you heard of mirroring - repeating back what's told to make sure what was said was heard correctly and understood.

Reading material to consider:

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - In Love, Richard Carlson PhD and Kristine Carlson

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:46pm
You may want to chill out and stop calling him if he treats you in this dismissive way. By always calling him you look needy and expose yourself to his nasty remarks. Stop checking to see if *he* is OK, How about *your* being OK? That should be your main concern...