boyfriend says he has detached emotions

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
boyfriend says he has detached emotions
7
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 3:21am
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We're both really bad at talking about how we feel. He told me over the phone that he didn't want any other girl but me and I immediately wanted to tell him that I loved him, but didn't say anything because I was afraid of being vulnerable. He took that as rejection and that I didn't care and became distant(rarely contacting me and seeing me once a week). I asked him about it and then told him that I loved him. He said that he wanted to start over and see other people and still see me. I told him that I couldn't handle it emotionally and he said that he needed time to think about what he wanted regarding our relationship. Its been 4 days and i haven't heard from him. Should I call him, email him and if so, what should I say?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 7:22am

"I asked him about it and then told him that I loved him. He said that he wanted to start over and see other people and still see me."

Ouch. That's a really painful rejection.

No, you can't start over with someone like that. Once you've gotten to the point of "love", you either know whether you want to be together or not. I think this relationship is over, which may be best because you can try to find someone who encourages you to communicate more about how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 11:00am

Welcome to the board brit1283,


How horrible that he says he wants to see other people after you say you love him. He said he needed time to think about the relationship. It has only been four days. Give it a little while longer. Plus if you don't here from him, then you know where you stand.


Sorry you have to go through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 1:16pm

Welcome to the board brit1283,


::He told me over the phone that he didn't want any other girl but me and I immediately wanted to tell him that I loved him, but didn't say anything because I was afraid of being vulnerable. He took that as rejection and that I didn't care and became distant(rarely contacting me and seeing me once a week).


So he EXPECTED you to say I love you first, to make him feel wanted and desired, on the simple statement that he didn't want any other girl, over the phone no less.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 7:44pm

It's too bad that he was so sensitive and felt so rejected so quickly. It's also unfortunate that this happened over the phone, where you both didn't have time to respond face to face. Give him some time to reach out to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 8:52pm
Thank you everyone for the replies. I feel a little better now. We've talked a few times this week but not about the relationship. Just about work and random things. I know he cares. I really love him and want to show him how i feel, but I don't want him to continue dating other woman and I want to be boyfriend and girlfriend again. We're both in our early 20's and we have so much in common. We have plans to hang out and watch a movie at his place tomorrow evening and I kinda want to bring up the relationship, but I'm not sure how or even if I should. I was very distant and guarded in the beginning of our relationship, because I was scared of getting hurt and now I think I've come across as too clingy recently, because I dont want to lose him. What would you all suggest? I love him and feel like we could be really happy together. Should I bring up the relationship tomorrow or just let things happen? I don't want to make out or do whatever and him still see other women. I was the one who has contacted him this whole past week, he did text me back and pick up the phone immediately each time I called.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 10:06pm

I think you're fooling yourself. If after six months he doesn't know if he wants to be with you exclusively then he probably doesn't want to be. You make so many mentions about how YOU feel and what YOU think it could be like, but what about how he feels? You're thinking in terms of you want and not what he wants.

Bring up the relationship if you must but I think that if you don't get the answer you want then you should be prepared to leave. Regardless of how you feel, you can't make him want an exclusive relationship with you and you can't make him think you're right for one another if he doesn't. I hope he gives you the response you're looking for but I'm afraid you're going to continue selling yourself short in order to settle for a relationship with a guy who is sort of disappointing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 3:18pm

Welcome to the board