Boyfriend Searching Personals Online

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Boyfriend Searching Personals Online
5
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 12:44pm
Hi. I just finished reading a post about online cheating...hoping to get some answers before I posted my "worries". I'm sure after a while this topic gets repetative but I'm absolutely floored with what I've found, and I'd really appreciate some input...even if it's to tell me I'm crazy for worrying or for what I did. Anyways...I guess I'll start by admitting I do have some trust issues...always have. And I feel as though I've found a wonderful guy who I'm pretty positive would never cheat on me...in the physical sense of the word. We've been dating about 9 months now and at the beginning of our relationship (about 4 months in) things were getting pretty serious and because I do have issues with trust I looked into his yahoo message archive (by the way...we met online...so it makes me more cautious about who else he was talking to). Anyway, I found a couple conversations with some girls that he had obviously just started talking to. Neither of them seemed interested...Thank God!

Well, ever since then, I've been extra curious about him scoping out other women online. And I know and have always felt that if you're crazy enough to snoop then you deserve dealing with the turmoil of what you find, and I feel like I pretty much have dealt with the turmoil rather well...until recently. We only see each other on the weekends and I live about an hour away, so I continuously worry that between missing me and being in a new town, he'll want to meet someone to fill his needs during the week and eventually leave me for her. Anyway, yesterday I was being a snoop and looking through the history of his computer and saw (as always) profiles of women in his area, a couple of which I saw he clicked on to send messages to. The fact that he was looking at profiles didn't really bother me nor too much the fact that I saw he messaged a couple of them. But as I continued through each day I saw he'd been to a personals web page. He's been actually searching for women his age...in his area...and has actually gotten emails back from them! I am absolutely floored to have found this!

After nine months of dating and quite a few open discussions about infidelity and cheating and keeping an open honest relationship...he has this going on in the background. It makes me less secure in this relationship...a little worried that he'll eventually find someone to meet his needs better than I...and I'm pretty damn angry that this is going on. It's like he has me and if one day things aren't going great between us...or I'm not being as exciting...or when I'm not around......then he has these other women on the side! It's driving me crazy to know that the man I love and that supposedly loves me and ponders the thought of someday marrying me...is also keeping his options open. I don't know whether to bring it up in a nonconspicuous manner...head on...or just keep my mouth quite until he works out whatever it is he needs to work out. What would y'all do?

Thanks so much for reading this...I know it must have been torture!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 1:41pm
I'd talk to him about expections in an exclusive, committed relationship and if he didn't have the same definition, (which included coming clean about what I already knew) I'd end it, but that's me.


Edited 10/9/2004 1:41 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 8:39pm
Hey there, unfortunately, I myself have gone through the same situation, I almost felt like I was reading something I had written in the past!! My dear, you need to move on...don't torment yourself like this, I am sure you will find a man who would love you and you alone. If he can't be honest with you, then he obviously can't be honest with himself and let you go. Hit this one head on, he needs to know he f***ed up. I think if we women continue to let the scum on this earth like him and someone I know, they will only continue to walk all over anyone in his path!! Good luck!! Go get him!! If he really loves you and wants to marry you, he will let all of the internet chatting crap go, FOR YOU!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 2:14am
My opinion--he can't be trusted. He's sneaky. Not a good prospect for the future. It's your life so only you can decide what to do but I'd be gone from this potential heartache.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 8:17pm
I recently had the exact thing happen to me. I guess it is a more common problem than I thought. I wasn't trying to see what he had been doing, but was one day searching for baby stuff and clicked on history and found nothing but AOL profile htmls and Match.com profiles. I was so hurt I was shaking. I saw that on his buddylist, he had a category named "New Buddies" and that he had been sending out his picture and receiving pictures of girls in their panties. It literally made me vomit, to think that this man I trusted unconditionally was doing this while I was sleeping (which I was doing alot, being 8 month pregnant). I confronted him about it, as I saw fit. If it was making me unhappy, he should know. I told him I hated knowing he was talking to girls and looking for them intentionally. I said it was just like going to bars and talking to them and getting their numbers, because their screen names give him a way to contact them again later. His first reaction was to deny everything. Until I showed him that I was more computer literate than he thought and pulled up all the websites and profiles, did he come up with the excuse that he looks at them because its funny to see what kind of girls would post those things. I then told him that he knew it was wrong because he thought it fit to cover it up. I cried and told him how awful it made me feel. He has stopped staying online all night, and he says that he doesn't do it, but I still find pictures of girls in their panties. I don't know what else to do, because this has brought nothing but doubt about him. Every thing he does online I think involves cheating.
I am glad to see that other women are bothered by this. At least I know its not just me being silly and jealous. It is a real problem. Perhaps we should all get online and do the same thing, and see how they feel about us talking to guys online. Of course, if any of you are like me, it would take way too much for any of us to hurt the one we love. I'm glad I got to sit and read these posts, and write my own. I think I need to let Mr. Faithful read them!
Avatar for ladypleiades
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 4:26pm

Bring it up - head on.

Don't apologize for your feelings. Searching personals is dishonest and cheating, or making plans to cheat, so it is a Huge warning sign. Deal with it now! Tell him this is something you won't tolerate. Something you don't want in your life. A guy who is actively looking for other dates while committed to you. And be willing to let him go... Don't get into arguments about if it does or does not really constitute cheating. Just tell him I won't put up with this in my life. If he wants to continue the behavior, then I guess that's the answer. It's not easy.