Boyfriend still giving his ex-girlfriend money and hanging out with her

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2012
Boyfriend still giving his ex-girlfriend money and hanging out with her
3
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 9:12pm

I really don't know how to address or deal with this...I've been out of the dating scene for a long time. I'm recently divorced after a 16 year marriage to a psychologically and verbally abusive man who didn't touch me for 14 of the 16 years we were married due to a bdsm fetish and an internet porn addiction. The man I'm in a relationship with now is a wonderful man who I was briefly "involved" with 28 years ago...he and his brother had kind of a rivalry going on and he was told I liked his brother so he gave up calling me. I didn't hear from him for 27 years. He looked me up on Facebook and asked me for a "do-over". Our relationship is long-distance (250 miles apart) but we talk and text every day and he has come to visit several times over the past several months. He apparently has had several women who have taken advantage of him and even flat out stolen from him...and he's told me that women don't seem interested in him for very long...they just kind of stop talking to him. There was one woman in particular he talked about who would only "pay attention" to him when he gave her money (he appropriately has referred to her as "Miss Hooker"). Well, a few months ago we had an incident where he went to visit one of his cousins and when we talked on the phone he really let me have it...he implied that his cousin had convinced him that I was some kind of gold digging con-artist. I was crushed at the way he spoke to me...I've never asked him for money or expected anything from him that way...I expect to pay my own way. But because of these women who had taken advantage and used him for their personal ATM machines, it was easy for him to think of me that way based on something someone said I guess. Well, here we are several months later, and he starts talking about this woman, Miss Hooker, and how she texted him that her dryer was broken and that she'd been at the bar last night playing poker trying to win money to buy a new dryer. Then he told me that last month he gave her money so she could buy Christmas presents and she promised to pay him back the middle of this month...surprise surprise, here it is the middle of the month, and not only has she failed to pay him back, but she's hinting she wants him to give her money for a new dryer and, oh yeah, her daughter's birthday is at the end of the month. I kind of want to tell him that I think I know why women shy away from him...he keeps playing patty-whack with these women who use him for a personal ATM and no woman is going to stick around with a guy who does that. The problem that I have is that in my book, and maybe it's an old-fashioned book, when you're in a relationship with someone, you don't hang out with your exes and you sure as heck don't give them money unless you have a kid with them and it's for the kid (not the case here). Part of what miffs me about it too is that he complains about women only being interested in his wallet and then he continues to allow this woman to talk him into giving her money. He continues to allow her to use him. In a way I think there's something about her that he can't say no to. I'm also concerned because, since he gave her money, he may have slept with her, given their history...my impression of her is that she's rather skanky and

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I'm sorry for being rude,but are you NUTS??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I would definitely bring this up--why is it that you accused me of being a gold digger when I have never asked you for money, yet you are giving money to this ex you are supposedly not involved with any more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

Your "wonderful man" is mentally unhinged, in no place for a relationship with you either emotionally or physically, and lacks the ability to think for himself.

Any further minute you spend with this loser is a minute of your life you are wasting. I can appreciate the fact that after being in an abusive, extremely difficult marriage for a decade and a half, even this guy seems like Prince Charming... But please make no mistake. Relationships are not supposed to function this way. He's supposed to make you feel good about who you are, and if he doesn't, then he's not right for you.

This man has too much in the way of hangups and emotional baggage to be considered a good relationship prospect.