Boyfriend telling EVERYTHING to his mom
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Boyfriend telling EVERYTHING to his mom
| Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:22am |
What do you think of a guy who shares every single detail about our fights with his mom? I think she likes me, but it's going to get to a point where she is going to think I'm making her "baby" misserable. I tell him that he can talk to her and ask for her opinion, but that there are certain details and certain conversations that shouldn't be shared (specially those nasty things that are said when we are really angry that we regret and want to take back later on). I'm surprised he hasn't told her about our sex life! It also seems to me that the only stuff he shares with her is the negative stuff.
Am I overreacting or what??? I don't think I would feel as "threatened" if he shared this stuff with one of his friends. We all need to vent. I also believe in having a "private" relationship.
HELP!!!!!!!!!

It could be a fairly innocent thing, but he still needs to stop. I really don't know why he'd even want to tell his mother. Doesn't he want her to like you and be in favor of your relationship? It seems a little strange to me. Best wishes!
Yes, certainly, it is disturbing to think he is telling everything to his "mom" - as though he is closer to her in some ways than to you - and also that he is bringing her into the intimacy of your relationship. Sounds as though he hasn't yet separated emotionally from her. This doesn't mean cutting her out of his life, but making appropriate boundaries and realizing he's an adult now with a different primary relationship. I would discuss it with him and let him know how it makes you feel. If he can't keep your private things private, then you have to look within yourself and see how you feel about being in this kind of relationship. Does it work for you? If not, you can always make new choices for yourself.
Best wishes.
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I have younger brothers who do this alot. BUT they still live at home - my mom raised us alone and is very open with us all. I talk to her alot about my relationship issues. I have learned what not to tell her and maybe thats the problem your having. I believe that my brothers are more open and talk to mom about more then most guys do because she was all they had growing up. They never had a dad to go to with "girl" problems. And it is "normal" to discuss this issue with your parents - to a degree.
Explain straight up, that you are NOT comfortable with him telling his mom everything!!!! I can understand your feelings on this. My mom always listens to us whine and cry about how awful our bf/gf are and then tells us that she knows us too well!!! LOL that it cant all be the other persons fault!!! BUT my mom is an acception.
Good Luck
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
Your boyfriend needs to respect you and the boundries of your relationship. She is hearing one side of the story and this is unfair to you. Explain to him that each time he goes to her and talks to her about fights, it is only building a wall between you and her and isolating you from important parts of his life.
He may not be acting out of malice towards you, but rather because he feels that his mother can better understand him or perhaps he feels that she will provide him with more sound advice. However, he needs to know that it is a double edged sword and that you are the one who may get hurt by it.
Good luck!
Welsh_Lily
Sydnie
BF told me last night he told his mom I told him not to tell her everything. According to him, his mom said I was "angry"
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What is up with that? This guy is 33 years old. He tells me he doesn't know how to handle our relationship so he needs to talk to her. I mean, what part of "don't tell her everything" did he not understand?
He doesn't know how to have an honestly communicative, equality based, mutually beneficial relationship. He knows how to run to his mother with his feelings and concerns and problems -a nd let her tell him if he's "handling everything right" - he is wanting her approval and acceptance over everybody's else's. He always has apparently, and he will until he becomes complete, mature, secure, and self-reliant and self-accepting.
The question is "what part of you can't change him" - don't YOU understand?
If you're going to have a relationship with him - he's going to get her approval for his actions prior to taking them regarding you and everything else, and he's going to tell her what is going on so that she can "advise him waht to do" regarding you and everything else.
Your option isn't to change him into who you want and need...your requirement to yourself is to affiliate with people that already ARE who you like, admire, trust, accept, and desire on individual levels and based on thier values, standards, and goals - as evidenced by their actions, decisions, and words.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com