Boyfriend telling EVERYTHING to his mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Boyfriend telling EVERYTHING to his mom
8
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:22am
What do you think of a guy who shares every single detail about our fights with his mom? I think she likes me, but it's going to get to a point where she is going to think I'm making her "baby" misserable. I tell him that he can talk to her and ask for her opinion, but that there are certain details and certain conversations that shouldn't be shared (specially those nasty things that are said when we are really angry that we regret and want to take back later on). I'm surprised he hasn't told her about our sex life! It also seems to me that the only stuff he shares with her is the negative stuff.

Am I overreacting or what??? I don't think I would feel as "threatened" if he shared this stuff with one of his friends. We all need to vent. I also believe in having a "private" relationship.

HELP!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:25am
I don't think your bf should be telling his mother everything, either. At the very least, it puts her in the unenviable position of being in the middle. It doesn't seem to me that he's being very considerate of either one of you. Being human, she's probably going to be tempted to take sides at some point, also. Most likely, she'll take her son's as he's her "baby" and she'll probably just get sick of trying to think or hear about it anymore. He really needs to stop this, I think. If he doesn't, I would look for more serious problems like maybe he's trying to make people think badly of you so that he can gain control over you more easily in the future. That is a pattern with abusers, to isolate and defame their women.

It could be a fairly innocent thing, but he still needs to stop. I really don't know why he'd even want to tell his mother. Doesn't he want her to like you and be in favor of your relationship? It seems a little strange to me. Best wishes!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:28am

Yes, certainly, it is disturbing to think he is telling everything to his "mom" - as though he is closer to her in some ways than to you - and also that he is bringing her into the intimacy of your relationship. Sounds as though he hasn't yet separated emotionally from her. This doesn't mean cutting her out of his life, but making appropriate boundaries and realizing he's an adult now with a different primary relationship. I would discuss it with him and let him know how it makes you feel. If he can't keep your private things private, then you have to look within yourself and see how you feel about being in this kind of relationship. Does it work for you? If not, you can always make new choices for yourself.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:37pm
I have so been there, my ex boyfriend was the same way! He told his mom everything about our relationship at one point even about the sex! It got to the point that i did not want to be seen at his house! YOu need to make a very obviouse point to him that you don't want his mom to know everything about you two. Your relationship problems should be private for the most point. But also know that mama's boys can at one point become a problem. They will detatch from mom and begin to lean on you instead! I know i learned the hard way! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:11pm
How long have you and your bf been together? How old is he? Does he still live at home? Was he raised by a single mom?

I have younger brothers who do this alot. BUT they still live at home - my mom raised us alone and is very open with us all. I talk to her alot about my relationship issues. I have learned what not to tell her and maybe thats the problem your having. I believe that my brothers are more open and talk to mom about more then most guys do because she was all they had growing up. They never had a dad to go to with "girl" problems. And it is "normal" to discuss this issue with your parents - to a degree.

Explain straight up, that you are NOT comfortable with him telling his mom everything!!!! I can understand your feelings on this. My mom always listens to us whine and cry about how awful our bf/gf are and then tells us that she knows us too well!!! LOL that it cant all be the other persons fault!!! BUT my mom is an acception.

Good Luck

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:41pm
I've been there, too with my ex. He did the same thing and it created more resentment and pressure to leave me from not only his mother, but also from his siblings and his father as well.

Your boyfriend needs to respect you and the boundries of your relationship. She is hearing one side of the story and this is unfair to you. Explain to him that each time he goes to her and talks to her about fights, it is only building a wall between you and her and isolating you from important parts of his life.

He may not be acting out of malice towards you, but rather because he feels that his mother can better understand him or perhaps he feels that she will provide him with more sound advice. However, he needs to know that it is a double edged sword and that you are the one who may get hurt by it.

Good luck!

Welsh_Lily

Sydnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:39pm
I completely agree with the way your feeling. My sister has a hubby that does the same thing, after so many years it really was becoming a problem. He has been better about it latley, but still tells mom too much! Does he know how much it bothers you?? Let him know that it is not ok!! For my sister when his mom really started to but in and make things really bad she just couldnt take it anymore!! Now her hubby understands how she feels about it and he is improving. I would really let him know that it bothers you. If you dont, it will get worse and it will build up inside you and then you might really say something you wish you could take back. Good luck!!! Keep us posted!!! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 9:49am
Well, here's an update:

BF told me last night he told his mom I told him not to tell her everything. According to him, his mom said I was "angry"

????????????????????????????????

What is up with that? This guy is 33 years old. He tells me he doesn't know how to handle our relationship so he needs to talk to her. I mean, what part of "don't tell her everything" did he not understand?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 10:20am
What part of "you don't control him" - don't YOU understand.

He doesn't know how to have an honestly communicative, equality based, mutually beneficial relationship. He knows how to run to his mother with his feelings and concerns and problems -a nd let her tell him if he's "handling everything right" - he is wanting her approval and acceptance over everybody's else's. He always has apparently, and he will until he becomes complete, mature, secure, and self-reliant and self-accepting.

The question is "what part of you can't change him" - don't YOU understand?

If you're going to have a relationship with him - he's going to get her approval for his actions prior to taking them regarding you and everything else, and he's going to tell her what is going on so that she can "advise him waht to do" regarding you and everything else.

Your option isn't to change him into who you want and need...your requirement to yourself is to affiliate with people that already ARE who you like, admire, trust, accept, and desire on individual levels and based on thier values, standards, and goals - as evidenced by their actions, decisions, and words.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com