boyfriend is too close to friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
boyfriend is too close to friend
1
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 4:43pm
Hi everybody,

I am new to this board. I have been with my bf for 2 years now. Our relationship is good and we talk about marriage all the time. The only reason we aren't married is because of his debt but that is another story. He is really good friends with this girl named Sue. They have been friends for like 6 years. He told me when we first met that she used to have a really big crush on him but he never dated her because she can be real bitchy and she isn't very good looking. I know that is bad but he is real picky when it comes to looks. Anyways, he said they were always just better off as friends and that nothing ever happened between them. Well, she is engaged now and has been for a while so we all hang out together every once in a while. I trust her and now that she is in love with her fiance but I still think she might still have feelings for my bf. He really likes her, he says as a friend and wants to hang out with her all the time. He talks to her about stuff that he never even mentions to me. He just looks like he has so much fun with her and somethimes I worry that he might have feelings for her. Now, I totally trust him too, I know he would never cheat on me but I still wonder if he wonders what it would be like to be with her. This past weekend we all went out of town together. I noticed he would talk to us all, but the whole time he would look at Sue. I watched his eyes. Then one time I saw him staring at her hard core when she wasn't looking. It was a good 5-10 sec. stare. I just wonder what goes on in his head, ya know. I know he loves me and says he has never been in a relationship where he has been this happy but it just makes me wonder. He always wants to go over there and hang out. Sometimes even if it is just him and her. But that is only when I can't go. He won't leave me to go over there or anything like that. We spent all weekend with her and if he was off work, he was going to go over there all day and hang out with her until I got off work. Hello, he was with her all weekend!! Anyways, just wanted some advice or opinions on the matter I guess. Thanks for your help.

Angie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 5:40pm
I wonder what her fiance thinks of their friendship (although guys can be sort of oblivious to vibes and that sort of thing). Anyway, if you're not exaggerating and everything you say is accurate, it sounds as though he's closer to her and much more into her than he is to you, and that wouldn't be acceptable if it were me. Not that you can really do much about it. I don't believe in telling my partner who they can be friends with or stipulating what they should think or feel. But I wouldn't settle for a partner unless I felt our relationship was his priority over relationships with friends. I wouldn't be comfortable with a partner who was into another woman more than he was me, whatever they label themselves. My husband and I are best friends and I don't think I could settle for less than that now. But discounting me, my husband's next closest friend is a woman he's known many many years, and I have never once felt uncomfortable or inferior in her presence. This probably won't help you at all, but I just wanted you to know that I think your feelings are valid. I just don't think there's much you can do about it since he has the right to feel what he feels and do what he wants to do. All you can do is express your disatisfaction, and then if he doesn't choose to make any changes, decide if it's a dealbreaker for you or if you can live with this situation AS IS. Because that's the only way a relationship is going to work for you -- if you're totally content with things as they are. Good luck.