boyfriend too close too exwife

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
boyfriend too close too exwife
16
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 10:36am
How cool should your boyfriend be with his ex wife? What if they have children together? Is going out for drinks with an ex wife ok, especially if it bothers your current partner? Or is trust what matters?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 11:20am
If they have children together then they should always be on good terms for the sake of the kids. They will always be connected and have to make decisions together about child-rearing.

I think we need more info. Do you think there is something romantic going on? Do they have drinks often? Why did they break up? Do you think he never got over her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 11:20am
Hi,

I am going to just share my thoughts on this subject. I am an ex-wife TWICE, with two sons, one from each marriage. My first marriage, when I was 18, ended within a year. Our son is now 13. I respect my ex-husband very much. I think that he is a great person, a wonderful dad and we get along GREAT!!!! But, I have never had drinks with him, went to the movies with him and ds, shopping, dinner, etc. NEVER!!

Second ex-hubby, divorced for almost 3 yrs,have a 9 yr old. We manage to be decent to each other. Actually much better then before. I'm not sure his pregnant girlfriend would appreciate it if he went out for anything with me. If there was any reason that he and I needed to "get together" to discuss ds, I would invite her along. They have my son every other weekend, and she is part of his life. Has been for almost the whole 3 yrs.


Personally, I see no reason that exes of any kind need to "get together" for a drink. When you have children, you have to be civil and friendly on a certain level. Sometimes you end up at school functions together. Sometimes an emergency room. Those important events in your childs life - you might spend some time with the ex then.

I am now in a committed relationship with a man who does not have children. Sometimes he gets upset if me and ex are chatting and its not DIRECTLY related to ds. He would be majorly BENT if I decided to go have "drinks" with either of them without him. I would never consider it. Regardless of the boys, they are my ex husbands, lovers. Would I spend that time with any other ex????? Would it be exceptable for my df to "have a drink" with his ex - I think not!!

So - after all my rambling on and on, basically NO, I personally do not see any valid reason for an ex to be "having drinks" with your man. Make it known this is uncomfortable for you and maybe you should be invited along next time??? Why werent you in the first place? Do you and bf live together??? I dont think their is a problem with being friendly with exs, but you should not continue to DATE them...

Sorry so long!!! Obviously a talker here!!! LOL

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 11:44am
Thanks so much for the advice. I am really stressed over this, I dont think anything romantic is going on, buy you never know. I am understand that he needs to have a good relationship with her but I think drinks is too much. The truth is that she is a "pain" I would try to get along with her but she wants nothing to do with me. My beau doesnt think that there is anything wrong with drinks. I think he is afraid to get her mad b/c he thinks that it will damage the relationship that he has with his son. I have told him many times that I want them to get along b/c I want him to have a relationship with her. Personally I think I need to decide if I want to be in this kind of relationship. I just that they are too cool. The thing that bothers me the most is that he sees nothing wornf with it, and the truth is that if I tell him not to go because I dont think that they need to have drinks (it doesnt involve the child) he would go anyway. I asked him is it okay for to have drinks with my ex, and of course he says no... we dont have a child together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 11:47am
I dont thinks its anything romantic and I think that he feels that if he doenst do what she ask then he will lose his son. he left her so I dont think he wants her I know he loves me I just think that part of the reason that he left is because she controlled him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 11:52am
How do u handle holidays?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 12:45pm

of course trust is important - but its not cool to be blind lol... I think each team of parents has to find the right "way" for them. i think its GREAT if they get along, because its important for their kid to see. so I could see them going TOGETHER to school events, family events etc.


however - I think that "going out for drinks" is a bit much. they aren't married anymore and he is in a committed relationship with someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:07pm
I can relate to this situation. I have a little girl from a previous relationship and I would never go to "drinks" with my little girls dad. I would think it would be to weird. I was in a marriage and my husband would not let my little girls dad come to my house without him there. And using "drinks" as an excuse that he is afraid that she will take his son from him if he doesn't stay on good terms with his ex is exactly what I said and "excuse." There is no way that she could take his son from him if he is paying child support and he is a fit parent. In my opinion there is something else going on. If he doesn't ask you to go with him and her while having drinks. I do not think I could be in this type of relationship and I have a child by someone else. Me and my little girls dad get along great without having drinks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:12pm
When he meets her for drinks why don't you go along?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:48pm
I agree with nluvagain23 and playnice. I have a 15 yr old son and I've NEVER gone to meet my ex-h for a *date* for drinks, a movie.....etc. My son's sister (my step-daughter) is now 21, when she was much younger, say about 5-6, my ex (son & SD's father) and I meet her mother at a pizza place for dinner to discuss school's and stuff for SD. That was the one and only time. My ex and I tried to have a joint b-day party for my son, when son was about 9 - it wasn't the most comfortable situation, though it wasn't at either of our homes.

Keeping the lines of communication for the child's sake is very important, however, I would have the same feelings and issues you have with it being "meeting for drinks". I also know that my boyfriend would have the same issues you are having if I told him I was going to meet my ex for drinks (and I'm sure his wife would feel the same way).

From your last post, I get very strongly that for whatever reason - guilt, not wanting to rock the boat or fear of what she *might* do, that he's unwilling to see the situation as destructive to his relationship with you...reminds me of Dr Laura's book - 10 Things Couples do to Mess up their Relationships.

Has he got a custody agreement in place? If so, he can't lose is son. And if he's allowing her to call the shots in regards to visitation, the he's still allowing her to control him, which means he hasn't dealt with the issues of the divorce, which means he's got baggage.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:55pm
I am a remarried ex-wife who shares 2 children with my first husband. My ex and I continue to maintain an amicable relationship for the sake of our children, and because we respect one another and have a humane love for one another as the other parent to our children. I hope that continues forever and believe that it will.

He lives in another state so socializing isn't possible, but, if he lived near us I don't think he and I would go out for drinks or socialize in that way. Having the children for the holidays would be divided between us. The children go with one or the other of us for activities or events, but not both at the same time. We're not a family anymore so we wouldn't do things as a family. We don't want to give the children any false hope that we'd ever be together as a family, or a couple, again. I am married and the kids and my second husband are now a new family, as are my children with my husband and his family. That's just how we work it, but it works well. My kids are well-adjusted and happy.

Some ex's might still choose to socialize. I personally think it would be odd but every relationship is different. How long have they been divorced? If the divorce is recent, then they definitely need to go their own ways and make a break of it (as a couple) for awhile before they could socialize as "friends." Plus, they'll never really be just friends if they have children together. That's a bond that goes way beyond friendship. Even though my ex is a good person and we respect each other, I don't view him as a "friend." He's my ex-husband and the father of my children. There's a difference IMO. But again, my perspective comes from my own situation.

Just a bit of advice though. If you're dating a guy who's divorced and got kids, please don't ever try to change the nature of his relationships with his kids OR his ex. Not only would that be out of line, it'd be totally useless. If you're uncomfortable with the way he lives his life, you'll have to give it some thought and decide if you could ever be comfortable with it AS IS, because unless a situation is right for you AS IS, it's not the right situation for you. Good luck.

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