boyfriend too close too exwife
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boyfriend too close too exwife
| Thu, 01-08-2004 - 10:36am |
How cool should your boyfriend be with his ex wife? What if they have children together? Is going out for drinks with an ex wife ok, especially if it bothers your current partner? Or is trust what matters?

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I think we need more info. Do you think there is something romantic going on? Do they have drinks often? Why did they break up? Do you think he never got over her?
I am going to just share my thoughts on this subject. I am an ex-wife TWICE, with two sons, one from each marriage. My first marriage, when I was 18, ended within a year. Our son is now 13. I respect my ex-husband very much. I think that he is a great person, a wonderful dad and we get along GREAT!!!! But, I have never had drinks with him, went to the movies with him and ds, shopping, dinner, etc. NEVER!!
Second ex-hubby, divorced for almost 3 yrs,have a 9 yr old. We manage to be decent to each other. Actually much better then before. I'm not sure his pregnant girlfriend would appreciate it if he went out for anything with me. If there was any reason that he and I needed to "get together" to discuss ds, I would invite her along. They have my son every other weekend, and she is part of his life. Has been for almost the whole 3 yrs.
Personally, I see no reason that exes of any kind need to "get together" for a drink. When you have children, you have to be civil and friendly on a certain level. Sometimes you end up at school functions together. Sometimes an emergency room. Those important events in your childs life - you might spend some time with the ex then.
I am now in a committed relationship with a man who does not have children. Sometimes he gets upset if me and ex are chatting and its not DIRECTLY related to ds. He would be majorly BENT if I decided to go have "drinks" with either of them without him. I would never consider it. Regardless of the boys, they are my ex husbands, lovers. Would I spend that time with any other ex????? Would it be exceptable for my df to "have a drink" with his ex - I think not!!
So - after all my rambling on and on, basically NO, I personally do not see any valid reason for an ex to be "having drinks" with your man. Make it known this is uncomfortable for you and maybe you should be invited along next time??? Why werent you in the first place? Do you and bf live together??? I dont think their is a problem with being friendly with exs, but you should not continue to DATE them...
Sorry so long!!! Obviously a talker here!!! LOL
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
of course trust is important - but its not cool to be blind lol... I think each team of parents has to find the right "way" for them. i think its GREAT if they get along, because its important for their kid to see. so I could see them going TOGETHER to school events, family events etc.
however - I think that "going out for drinks" is a bit much. they aren't married anymore and he is in a committed relationship with someone else.
Keeping the lines of communication for the child's sake is very important, however, I would have the same feelings and issues you have with it being "meeting for drinks". I also know that my boyfriend would have the same issues you are having if I told him I was going to meet my ex for drinks (and I'm sure his wife would feel the same way).
From your last post, I get very strongly that for whatever reason - guilt, not wanting to rock the boat or fear of what she *might* do, that he's unwilling to see the situation as destructive to his relationship with you...reminds me of Dr Laura's book - 10 Things Couples do to Mess up their Relationships.
Has he got a custody agreement in place? If so, he can't lose is son. And if he's allowing her to call the shots in regards to visitation, the he's still allowing her to control him, which means he hasn't dealt with the issues of the divorce, which means he's got baggage.
My best to you.
Carrie
He lives in another state so socializing isn't possible, but, if he lived near us I don't think he and I would go out for drinks or socialize in that way. Having the children for the holidays would be divided between us. The children go with one or the other of us for activities or events, but not both at the same time. We're not a family anymore so we wouldn't do things as a family. We don't want to give the children any false hope that we'd ever be together as a family, or a couple, again. I am married and the kids and my second husband are now a new family, as are my children with my husband and his family. That's just how we work it, but it works well. My kids are well-adjusted and happy.
Some ex's might still choose to socialize. I personally think it would be odd but every relationship is different. How long have they been divorced? If the divorce is recent, then they definitely need to go their own ways and make a break of it (as a couple) for awhile before they could socialize as "friends." Plus, they'll never really be just friends if they have children together. That's a bond that goes way beyond friendship. Even though my ex is a good person and we respect each other, I don't view him as a "friend." He's my ex-husband and the father of my children. There's a difference IMO. But again, my perspective comes from my own situation.
Just a bit of advice though. If you're dating a guy who's divorced and got kids, please don't ever try to change the nature of his relationships with his kids OR his ex. Not only would that be out of line, it'd be totally useless. If you're uncomfortable with the way he lives his life, you'll have to give it some thought and decide if you could ever be comfortable with it AS IS, because unless a situation is right for you AS IS, it's not the right situation for you. Good luck.
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