boyfriend too close too exwife

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
boyfriend too close too exwife
16
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 10:36am
How cool should your boyfriend be with his ex wife? What if they have children together? Is going out for drinks with an ex wife ok, especially if it bothers your current partner? Or is trust what matters?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:04pm
I am not really sure if trust is the issue, I think its more of a respect thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:07pm
she doesnt like me, they only did it once. But he told me that if I need to accept it happensds again. More Like I need to deal!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:14pm
Thanks! I think thats is pretty much what it boils down too. I dont want to create a bad situation. I think its realy just up to me to decide if I want to stay in this kind of a relationship. Thanks you all for your advice it was very helpful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 5:27am
I think you hit the nail on the head - I doubt very much anything is 'going on', but there is a much more fundamental issue: your boyfriend has a number one priority - and it isn't you. I think one has to really assess the facts before getting involved, or staying involved with a parent - because really when there are children involved, any parent who is worth their salt will put their child first. Great for the child, not so great for the new partner/love.

My brother and his ex-wife have a bit of a strange relationship - they even went on a daytrip together recently with their daughter - I know for a fact that he has absolutely no intention of EVER going back to her, but is constantly trying to do right by his daughter - however, having said that, I can't see him having a drink with her - I don't think he'd ever choose to hang out with her unless they had something specific to discuss regarding their daughter.

Tough situation - best of luck.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 7:18am

well chiki - i think that it boils down to this: this is a relationship-related problem that you need to deal with like any other issue.


You were unsure if your feelings were "right" or if you were just acting jealous - so you came here and got some advice. i think the general concensus is that its fine (and healthy) that they are maintaining a friendly relationship. but going out (for drinks or dinner or whatever) is not.


now that you have that information - you need to decide what you want to do ... you have made it clear to him that you are not happy with what he is doing. the ex has made it clear that she "doesn't like you" (how many times have you actually met), and does not want to have anything to do with you. this adds up to him putting the ex's feelings before you (this has NOTHING to do with his child).


so ---- if we take the "child" out of the picture -what do you really have here? and is this what you want?


just a side question - is he paying child support? how often does he see his daughter?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 11:11am

This is a tricky situation, and the answer varies depending upon the individuals involved. Each person in a relationship has to set boundaries about their partner's relationships with others, especially ex wives. These boundaries should be determined by what makes you comfortable, and allows you to feel respected and secure. Naturally, when there are children, there is always necessary contact between a husband and his ex-wife. However, what this contact consistts of, outside the chidlren, is another matter. Some might be comfortable with their boyfriend having drinks with his ex - many would not be. You have to check with yourself. If this makes you uneasy, let him know. Try to find boundaries together that work for both of you. Most importantly of all, your boyfriend needs to be considerate of your feelings and respectful of your needs. If he cannot understand how your feeling or adjust his behavior to help you feel better, then you should think again about what you are doing with him.


All good wishes.

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