boyfriend wants to get job overseas

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
boyfriend wants to get job overseas
7
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 7:06pm

Hi...I have never posted on here before, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 7:21pm

skookumbosh... I hate to say this, but you're only 19 and your age is really showing. I hope I can give you some advice as I'm only six years older than you but have gone through some of this stuff.

"The main reason I am upset is that he suddenly doesn't seem to value our relationship."
It's not good for you to look at it this way.
You're really upset because he's not prioritizing your relationship over his desire to make something of himself as an individual.

"I feel that he should respect his committment to me above all else"
What if gaining experience overseas is better for him as an individual than staying in a relationship with a girl who wants to force him to stay and marry her, at the age of nineteen, so she can feel more secure?

"Now I feel like all the times that he told me he wanted to be with me, that he was lying."
He can still WANT to be with you but have to do something on his own as a separate person. He is an individual, not just half of your couple.

"Do you agree that he should think more in terms of 'us' instead of 'him'?"
No, absolutely not.

"I thought that that's what couples did...plan things that would be beneficial for both parties."
If he's unhappy and feeling resentful to you for making him stay rather than supporting his decision to go out and make himself a better, more well-rounded, more experienced person, do you think that's going to HELP your relationship?

You will hate me saying this but you are too tied to this commitment at such a young age. You both have a lot to go through before you're ready to be married; honestly I think you personally have a lot to learn about how relationships work and the meaning of being a "team" before marriage is a good idea. I know you don't like the idea of him going away... That has to really hurt. But this is not because of you. It's because he, as a person becoming his own man, has something that he needs to do in order to feel good about himself.

If this relationship is meant to be, then it will stand the test of time. It's too early to be married. Please try to understand that this is something he needs to do more than you need to be married. It's about individual growth. Maybe this is the step he needs to take in order to be sure he wants to get married to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 7:31pm

Well thank you for taking the time to reply, but I think you are seeing me in the wrong light.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 7:40pm

Welcome to the board skookumbosh,


It's got to be really hard to go from planning a move to live together to living apart long distance due to a decision that he's making on his own. I can understand why you are upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 8:27pm

Yes, to be honest, if you were significantly older than 19, had experienced more of life (same to him) my advice would have been different with regard to your timeline.

"I also definitely think that a good relationship involves caring enough about your SO to consider their feelings in regards to big decisions. "

I agree. But be careful, "caring" about you or considering your feelings doesn't mean letting you make decisions for him. I'm sure, 100% positive, that he's thought about how this will affect the relationship and he's doing it anyway because that's how important it is to him. He also seems to see this as an important step for him to take in the relationship itself. He hasn't changed his mind about the future, as he still wants to be with you, right? It's just that this is also in his future. If you want to wait a few years before you're married, why can't it come after his work experience abroad?

At 19, focus on the individual is a lot more important than focus on the relationship. I WISH to god I had understood that six years ago before I wasted a lot of time and energy worrying about relationships when I had all that time to do good things for myself. I don't expect you to fully agree with me but I hope you can try to feel less offended at his decision, it's a decision he's making for himself, not against you. This is his life and it may be his only opportunity to do this. Think of how well he'll think of you if you can be supportive of his need to do this, I know it's hard but his life needs this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 1:26pm

Hi Skookumbush. You do have every reason to be upset. No one is denying that. What the ladies here are trying to emphasize is that, at the age of 19, you should be thinking more in "I" terms than in "we" terms. Specially because he seems to be thinking that way.


Don't get me wrong, I understand where you are right now. I dated my high school sweetheart for 7 years, 16-22. I am now 29. When it came to him and I, in my head there was always only we. When we broke up seven years later I felt robbed somehow. There I was, 22, I had only known one man, spent years thinking plural and making sure we are going to be ok.... I forgot to be me. To grow as me. I felt I was too old to start doing stuff I should have been doing as a teen, not as a young adult.


You may now think you are as mature as you will ever be. Most of us seem to think the same way. But I grew a lot since I was 22, even since I was 25. And it was for the best. I became a better person and I am now in a relationship I always wanted to have.


Some people meet their life partners at a very young age and it works out. Most don't. Regardless of whether your relationship works out or not, if he is thinking of what's best for him you should be thinking what's best for you. Let yourself grow as an individual, you will never be sorry for doing that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 2:20pm

Thank you for all of your advice ladies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 4:28pm

<< The main reason I am upset is that he suddenly doesn't seem to value our relationship.