Boyfriend wont let the past go........

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Boyfriend wont let the past go........
10
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 8:23pm
IF Im wrong...Im wrong. He (my bf) has to be involved with everyone he has ever slept with. He lies to me continually. He met this married woman a yr before we got together and I found out he was Screwing her too after swearing up and down that he never did from the start. Keeps saying shes nasty and he wouldnt touch her. BUT heres the kicker, I found things online thru an adult chat line about how she likes his buddy and pictures of her playing with her self etc.......he claims it was all talk but I dont think so. Should I take what I have to her husband? Why should I been the only one being crapped on? I did leave for 4 mo and he talked me back nto coming home. BC of losing job......What do you think I should do? He says Im just a very jealous person and I need to change.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 8:37pm
'He lies to me continually'

Then walk away.

'Why should I been the only one being crapped on?'

Don't get involved out of anger or any other reason. They aren't worth it. Move along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 9:44pm
He is not going to change. Leave him. Leave him today. Don't be a fool any longer. Dump him. And do not have anything to do with him ever again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 6:35pm
I agree with what everyone else said and would add ... don't involve this woman's husband, that would be deflecting the issue and getting more people involved then necessary. Bottom line, the issue is between you and him. You can't trust him (and with good reason as he has lied to you), he's betrayed the trust, his values and moral say it's ok to sleep with a married woman, where's the integrity, honest, trust, security in that.

Personal, I vote, walk away. He's not going to change. Have you read 'When Your Lover is a Liar' by Susan Forward? I strongly recommend it.

You are NOT less than because of his choices, actions, behavior or decisions. Separate your self-image from his behavior.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 6:00am
You sound frustrated and I don't blame you. This is not a fun thing for anyone to go through.

You cannot control what he is doing and you are not at fault. But you can control what you do and that is to get out. YOu won't get crapped on if you don't stand under the toilet!!

"Should I take what I have to her husband?"

NO. You need to get out of this and get on with your life as soon as possible. This just muddies everything up, causes negative energy and prolongs the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 12:30pm
I know but in some insane way.......the spite would make me feel better although I know it wouldn't. You see I know her husband. Hes a wonderful man and while shes tearing up my life hers is just going on........

But you know when I brought this all up to my BF he said shes nasty and dirty,and a pig also said she was sick in the head...and it was only talk..I asked about the tit shots etc... and he said just because she would do it for anybody. I wish I had a tape recorder at that time, I would have sent her a copy of it, just so she could hear the way he put her down. Theres no justifing that...If I had a so called male friend who said even a quarter of what he said I'd lay him out.

I just want to make her feel the anger that Im feeling.....I thought about confronting her.

Hes the one who I should be angry with, but she lied to me too.......I know her and she swore to my face nothing ever happened. EVER even before we met.....

as soon as finacially possible I am leaving. Hopefully out of state so I never have to lay eyes on him again.

I just seem to dwell on this I cant help it....its like its eating me up inside...how do I get past it?????
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 12:55pm
'the spite would make me feel better .....I just want to make her feel the anger that Im feeling.....'

I think you need to take a long look at why that is.

You are focusing and projecting your anger and energy in the wrong places. What are you going to do about yourself???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 1:15pm
To help get rid of the anger (and the emotional charge) sit down and write them both an UNSENT letter, a long one, telling them exactly how you feel about everything - rant, rage, express everything on paper, daily if need be, then burn them.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 2:21pm
No, he needs to change. He wants you to move back he might loose his joB!?!? There is no reason for cheating on anybody. In my book that's the worst you could do to someone. LEAVE HIM! You will find someone else...I promise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 7:20pm
I did leave him and he was there more after I left than before...He has gone thru some changes and alot of this is me. Im still sooooo angry. I have to focus on letting go of this anger. That I guess is what Im asking most of........HOW?????
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 10:52am
you know, i may be a biatch, but personally i think that the husband should know. not out of spite, just out of respect.

i live in a small town and a friend of mine was recently cheated on. The sad part is, all the guys in town knew and no one said anything cus of the so called guy code. She found out and she was pissed.

even after getting busted for cheating on her the first time, oh yes, he did it again, with a friend of his wife at that.

wifey, still doesn't know, mother in law knows, whole town knows, just not the wife.

i don;t know about everyone else but, personally, i would never want to be the wife in this example. how would you all feel if you were being cheated on and everyone but you knew but no one told you. that just doesn't work for me.

and its not like you are totally uninvolved. your boyfriend was cheating with his wife.

maybe if you were someone off the street trying to tell her that it wouldn't be a good idea but your not.

anyway, make your own decision on what should be done.