Boyfriend/Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Boyfriend/Marriage
6
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 1:06am
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months now. We are happy together, but there seems to be a standstill coming in our relationship. He says he can never see himself getting married--at all, to anyone. He's also said that IF he got married and had children, he would want to wait at least 10 years before he ever gets married (hes 20!) so he could work on his career. I am happy that he wants to have a good career, but I don't think that it is necessary to wait that long to have a family. While I am not ready to get married now, I do like thinking ahead. My mom always told me never to date someone I could not see myself marrying. But anytime we've talked about it, seriously or joking, he keeps saying he doesn't see himself getting married. I have recently just dropped the subject because there is just no point when the answer is always the same. I would love to have my first child before I am 30 (so obviously get married before then, and I am almost 22). He even hates going to weddings--which bothers me because he is planning on missing all of the weddings we have to attend this summer.

Is this something that a lot of guys go through, will this never change or will he grow out of it? I love him so much, and I don't want to lose him, but if he never wants to get married to anyone, what is the point of continuing dating him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 1:29am
I see that you are 2 years older than he is. While that may not seem like much, it is a lot when the younger of the two is male. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 24 in July and we have been together for three years. He went through the never wanting to be married phase and now we are considering purchasing a home. My point is that usually a man of 20 just doesnt fathom spending the rest of his life with one person. Im not trying to say that he wants to be with other people by any means, he just cant imagine doing it. I think you should give it some time, hes bound to change his mind before you are 30:) Good luck in the mean time and keep your hopes up.

-Ashley

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 10:41am
'but I don't think that it is necessary to wait that long to have a family.'

But he does.

There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend not wanting to settle down before he is thirty. People change so much in their 20's that I think it is actually a mature decision on his part. The two of you may have less in common in ten years (and you are already finding out that you have less in common with your life plans). If more people waited until they were 30 to marry I think we would have a lot more happier marriages.

Regardless of my opinion, you have to listen to your boyfriend's words. He has been very clear with you about his plans. Don't try to change his mind or hope that he will change it on his own. Can you live with this decision or do you want to pursue someone else who will want to marry you and provide a family in the next few years?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 3:24pm
you both have a good point.

i am not saying that i even want to get married in the next few years though. i am just saying that i do not want to wait until i am thirty to even think about getting married. i know a guy who was about 30 years old and dating his gf for several years. finally, she gave him an ultimatum (not one i would give, but still) that they had been dating for years, and if she wasnt getting a ring anytime soon, then she wanted to end the relationship--harsh, but it worked...they got married and had kids...

now dont think that i would ever give anyone that type of ultimatum...her's was too extreme...it worked for her, but who knows, for any other guy, it probably wouldnt.

ive talked to some who agree with you, that maybe its a good thing to find this out now, and move on, so we can both be happy doing the things we want to do...but then on the other hand, i have talked to some, who say that because he is only 20, he will change. i have never met anyone who could NEVER see themselves getting married at some point in their lives, until now.

i guess i am just so confused, we both have one year of school left, and im sure me being 1 1/2 years older than him doesnt help our situation...

i dont know, i guess im just rambling on now (in many run-on sentences)

thanks for listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 4:22pm
An ultimatum is not a bad thing. You are telling him what your plans are and letting him know that if his are not the same you will leave. As long as you say what you mean and do what you promise there is nothing wrong with it. But be prepared to really leave if he assures you he has no plans to marry you.

'i have talked to some, who say that because he is only 20, he will change.'

Do not bank on this. These people do not know what he thinks or feels. Again, you have to listen to his words and not live on hope.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:01pm
It is just so hard. I know what youre saying is true, but I do love him, and I do not want to lose him. I am happy when I am with him. Things got rocky for a bit because I felt things just weren't 'right'. We talked and everything is great again. He is gone on a trip right now and will not be back until Sunday night (which I do not mind because I enjoy some time apart). I know he loves me and does want to be with me, I guess it is just a hard thing to think about--breaking up with someone when the relationship is good (but going nowhere and probably will not ever)

errr why can't I just be happy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:23pm
I know it will be hard for you to internalize what I'm saying but believe me, you shouldn't be worried about marriage at 22! I always tell my kids that I hope they wait until they're 30 to get married just based on the mistakes I made and the valuable life lessons I learned and how much people change throughout their 20's, plus considering today's divorce rate. I understand about your plans and wanting to have children before you're that old. But even the best made plans in life don't always work out. Life seldom happens as we plan it, as you'll find out. You are planning years and years into the future and no, a 20 year old man is not going to be doing that in most cases. It was just last year that he was a teenage boy! Will he some day change his mind and want to marry you or anyone? Nobody can predict that. If you simply cannot accept him for who he is at this period in his life and enjoy the present with him, then let him go and move on to find a more mature and older man who IS at a time in his life when planning his future is a more important issue. But I would recommend that you enjoy your life as it is a bit more, have fun, be independent and enjoy your youth. You have the whole rest of your life for marriage and children, and your youth will never come again. Good luck.