Boyfriend's deceased girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Boyfriend's deceased girlfriend
3
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 9:25pm
My boyfriend's girlfriend died a couple years ago, when he was in high school. He loved her, and still does. I know that two years isnt a long time at all, but it's starting to effect our relationship. He has her pictures and some of her things in his bedroom and livingroom. I can tell when he thinks about her. I think that he wants to be in a relationship again, but is scared of getting hurt. Emotionally, he isnt always there. I don't know what to do. I know that when someone that close to you dies, you never get over it, but shouldnt he have moved on at least a little by now? I feel like he's still in the stage that he was right when it happened. I really think I love him. The thing I'm worried about is that even though he's had a few serious relationships since it happened, that he isnt really ready to commit to a relationship. I'm also worried that this is drivig us apart. I worry that I cant live up to what she was. She was the kind of person I've always wanted to be. I feel like if he truely loved her, then could he really love me too? Also, is he ready to be in a relationship again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 10:42pm
I think you have a good head on your shoulders and understand that he hasn't recovered and isn't ready for a serious relationship. Has he ever considered therapy to help him with his recovery.

Have you spoken to him about how this is affecting your relationship and what he wants from you?

You aren't asking him to forget about her but are asking for more of a commitment to the relationship and some honests answers about where you fit into his life.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 10:56am

Perhaps your boyfriend needs help in his mourning for his girlfriend. Usually when we hold onto something for so long in the way you describe, this is serving other purposes as well. He may be generally afraid of relationships and setting her up as an ideal that no one else can compare to. There is no reason to feel inadequate compared to her. You don't know anything really about her, only what he says. It sounds as though he may be distorting much in this situation. Also, it's true 2 years is not a long time. Clearly this was a painful shock for him and he may even feel somehow responsible as many people do, whether it is true or not. If he is so pre-occupied with this person, perhaps you should suggest that he get help in sorting out the sitation. If he can't or won't do that, and if you feel he is not yet able to be available to someone new, it's best to let go of this relationship and find someone who is ready to be with you.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:53pm
Competing with a *perfect* ghost is not easy.

I agree with the replies you have rec'd so far. Grief therapy is in order, but he has to want to participate in it.

You could wait along time for him to heal and he still might not be ready for awhile.

My best to you.


Carrie