Boyfriend's Family!! ARGH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Boyfriend's Family!! ARGH!
2
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 2:02pm
I've been with my fiancee for over a year, we met in another city last year when we both lived there. Everything was great until he had to move back to his country. I went to visit twice in a 2 month period, and then he proposed. I wasn't completely happy where I lived, and he seemed like the perfect man so I accepted. I moved and we started living together and everything seemed great until I realized the impact his family had on him and hence on us. His parents are REALLY consevative, really old-school European immigrants. His father's the type of man that belives everything should be done his way, and basically still sees women as inferior. His mother, therefore, is the typical trophy wife that is always dressed and made up perfectly, and has no real opinions. She seems to simply exist to obey her husband. So whenever I am around them, my fiancee will not let me wear low cut shirts or short skirts, he will not let me smoke, and I have to be all done up and smily around them. My fiancee did not use to be like that back where we used to live. He knew I smoked, and even smoked with me every once in a while. He saw the way I dressed (not that I dress THAT revealingly anyways), and he saw how down to earth and laid back I was. He's also aware of how driven and independent I am, although he comes from a family where women aren't encouraged to be ambitious and successful. Plus, I'm not one of those girls who has to have her makeup all done and her hair styled to go out. I don't mind wearing sweats and a t-shirt when I'm not in the mood to be all girly. It's really hard dealing with this issue. I've talked to my boyfriend about it, but now that I think about it, he won't ever give me a clear reason as to why he wants me to fit his mold. What should I do? I often feel like I don't want to marry him and subject myself to a life of walking on eggshells because of his family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 2:25pm




look - if you are not happy with this situation - then DON'T Get married and DO move back home. why would you even CONSIDER this? <<>> is that what you want for yourself?


its obvious that your DF is following in the footsteps of his parents. if not - he wouldn't be acting the way he is, FORCING you to do what HE (the man!) wants.


<> this is just sad. if you don't want to marry him, if you have even the slightest doubt - THEN DON'T!













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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:44pm
Family traditions run strong and deep and there is nothing you can do to change them. Also, his wants, needs and expectations are of EQUAL value and priority as yours. It sounds like he is most interested in having you present a conservative and respectable image in front of his parents. I highly doubt that he wants you to be just like his mom and all the things that she represents.

The questions to you are:

- Are you willing to show some level of compromise?

- What's more important to you - to be right or to be happy?

If you choose not to be somewhat flexible when it comes to his family traditions and culture, then it would likely be best that you go your separate ways.