boyfriend's female friend (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
boyfriend's female friend (long)
1
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 6:42pm





My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. He had all of a sudden become busy a lot and I wasn't sure what was going on. We weren't spending much time together like we used to. Recently, I found out he has been spending a lot of time with this female "friend." I found out about this from one of our friends. I wanted to find out what was happening, so I contacted her. I was very calm and I asked her if she knew my bf. She said yes and that he was her best friend aside from her bf of 7 months. She told me that they were just friends. The same day, I contacted my bf and he lied to me about it. He said he didn't know this person let alone spent time with them. I told him I knew he was lying and he finally admitted that he knew her. *Side note* My bf has never hid any of his friends from me before. We usually talk about the people we associate with.

A few weeks passed. She asked him to come hang out with her b/c she was having family problems. I asked him if I could go with them and he told me no. He said I didn't know her and she didn't want to discuss her situation in front of me and that she just wanted to hang out and relax. I told him that I didn't trust her. He said he trusted her. I contacted the "friend" for the second and final time. I wanted to see for myself what kind of person she was. Turns out, I actually liked her. We ended up having a nice conversation. We even have a lot of similar interests such as our religious views and that we both enjoy writing. I thought that maybe she and I could become friends. I was wrong.

The same day, she e-mailed my bf and told him that I had harassed her and asked her all sorts of questions. This was not true. I had only asked her two questions; how she and my bf met and how old she was. The rest, she willingly shared with me. We had a conversation, not interrogation. I had discussed my feelings about her and my boyfriend's friendship and she had sympathy for me. I really thought that we could have been friends.

Naturally, my bf took her side. He doesn't want me to talk to her anymore or any of his other friends. I told him that I had to the right to speak to who ever I wanted. He said if I go ahead and do that, he won't talk to me anymore. He told me I shouldn't snoop around in his business. I said to him, I wouldn't have to snoop if you had just been honest up front with me. I asked him why should he have secret "friends." He said that he wanted friends that were just his alone and that I couldn't talk to or hang out with them or know about them. He also said that nothing is going on and that she is his friend, so get over it. I'm not sure what to do. I don't appreciate being lied to and having my feelings ignored. I also feel that if you are going to lie about your friends and what you are doing, then you are probably hiding something. Any advice?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 6:52pm

Personally, I can't abide secrecy and dishonesty in a relationship, so I would break up with him.


Sheri