Boyfriend's friends might ruin the relationship.
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|Mon, 09-30-2013 - 10:04pm|
I am starting to really struggle with this and could use advice.
My boyfriend and I are both 28 years old and have been together for over a year. First--let me say---He is the love of my life and the best person I have been with. I know he is the person I want to be with forever--he treats me emotionally very well and is very affectionate and loving. He is the most genuine guy I have ever been with. We both always say how Much we love each other and have stated we want a future together. We are both saving at the moment but are thinking of moving in next year after getting finances etc in order. We don't live super close to each other so we basically live together on the weekends with family and sometimes once during the week we get together as well. Due to space, we spend time in his area.
The only problem really--- are his friends. I know things could be much much worse but I still need to vent and get perspective. It's a very needy group. In my opinion they aren't as independent without each other as I think most people are at the age of 27, 28 and above. They call and text every single weekend ---not to just say hi, how are you but to make plans and to go out-bars etc. Going to a bar isn't always my first priority and usually by the time Friday comes after a long week, I just want to relax and not feel guilty because his friends are trying to make plans and basically don't have someone special in their life or simply b/c they are still in party mode. My boyfriend and I aren't always together during the week so the weekend is our time to finally relax together and be together. I am always up for hanging out if it is what he really wanted or if I am starting to feel it would be a good thing to be in a group but sometimes I wish they would back off and move on with their lives in some ways. It reminds me of still being 22 years old and relying on friends to be around. My boyfriend puts me first but I know he feels that guilt because they constantly call and sometimes break his chops about the fact we don't want to always go out. We will get a call religiously every Friday by one of his friends..he wants to see what we are doing, wants to go here and there..He won't even try and understand that by the time we get out of traffic and actually sit down and have a bite to eat..sometimes it is past 8pm..and I am honestly tired from the work week and I know my b/f is too. But it is still that pain of guilt I know he is feeling b/c he is a nice guy. This in turn makes me feel guilty and like crap. His other friend will call/text all throughout the week and on the weekend. A third friend will usually call and text on the weekend as well--it just adds to the pressure and anxiety of trying to be in an adult relationship and move on in some ways with our life together.
They give him crap for not being around as much or if he even says no because he is too tired--they don't understand that things do change a bit as you get older and more responsibility, a relationship, etc etc. Most of these friends are very much into the night life especially on weekends. One stays up all hours throughou the week and weekends, drinks, wants to hook up because he is single. I find it insulting and partially unhealthy to expect a friend at almost 30 who is in a relationship to be around at his disposal. He calls on a sunday afternoon sometimes not just to talk and see how he is but wants us (him) to go out and it doesn't matter what we might be in the middle of. My friends have gone their own ways for the most part--we talk, we chat, email but I never expect them to be around like they were in the past and vice versa. Even when I was single, I didn't do this. Most are trying to better their careers, spend time with their husband, fiance, boyfriend have kids etc. I know i am not married yet or have kids but I am not 20 years old. Two days off on the weekened are precious to me and I don't want to wake up hung over each weekend or out til 2am.
They make him feel guilty which my boyfriend does. I personally feel after a certain age how can you expect anyone to be available every weekend or every other weekend even? Am I wrong for thinking this? My boyfriend has trouble too it seems. If he doesn't hear from one friend for only a week he will mention it because it is on his mind. He also says he doesn't want them to think we aren't social as if we have something to prove to others. If we are watching a movie and just relaxing on a Saturday and a friend randomly calls--it adds pressure like should we go out because I know my boyfriend feels bad telling them no. Maybe if they backed off, I wouldn't feel this way but now I feel this way all the time b/c it's been every weekend or even during the week for the past year. If there are no calls, it's like a sigh of relief or if we are away for the weekend and they are aware that he isn't around it is like a breath of fresh air to not get these calls or texts.
There is no way there is enough time for everyone every weekend or during the week unless you are burning the candle on both ends. I feel bad for feeling this way but at the same time I have never seen something like this before and truly don't understand it...
His one friend has been calling to go out during the week with a few other people he knows. I don't feel entirely comfortable with a boyfriend going out like this without me as if he is single. His friends are single, wreckless, drink alot, hook up, immature etc. I know this has nothing to with my boyfriend and I know he isn't going to cheat on me but I am still not at ease for some reason. At the same time I feel silly feeling this way and know this is partially my own issue. On the other hand on the weekends with these friends constantly texting/calling religiously it wears me out. I actually feel some anxiety at times wondering who and what time they are going to call and also should we feel guilty for doing our own thing two weekends in a row. Basically now that we have spent a few weekends not out in a group I know for sure we will have to do that this weekend otherwise it will become an issue of guilt, more calls, more anxiety.
Am I being completely unreasonable about all of this? Would anyone else feel the same about the friends calling/texting every weekend to make plans and then us having to feel guilty if we want to do our own thing? I personally feel a couple usually spends more alone time together than constantly in a group and I don't need to prove anything to anyone especially at the age of 28 years old. One of my girlfriend says she definitely understand that it might be rough dealing with that but she believes in time it will naturally slow down especially if we ever got married or had a kid. I really don't want to have a kid with someone if this doesn't stop though..i almost believe they would keep doing this even if we did have a kid in the future. My girlfriend still thinks it will just take time but it will stop at some point.
Am I being overbearing and also should I not worry if he sees them during the week despite their immaturity level??
Is there any advice to use? I love my boyfriend very much. I am feeling frustrated but I also don't want to ruin the best thing I have ever had....