Boyfriend's friends might ruin the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Boyfriend's friends might ruin the relationship.
9
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 10:04pm

I am starting to really struggle with this and could use advice.

 

My boyfriend and I are both 28 years old and have been together for over a year. First--let me say---He is the love of my life and the best person I have been with. I know he is the person I want to be with forever--he treats me emotionally very well and is very affectionate and loving. He is the most genuine guy I have ever been with. We both always say how Much we love each other and have stated we want a future together. We are both saving at the moment but are thinking of moving in next year after getting finances etc in order. We don't live super close to each other so we basically live together on the weekends with family and sometimes once during the week we get together as well. Due to space, we spend time in his area.

 

The only problem really--- are his friends. I know things could be much much worse but I still need to vent and get perspective. It's a very needy group. In my opinion they aren't as independent without each other as I think most people are at the age of 27, 28 and above. They call and text every single weekend ---not to just say hi, how are you but to make plans and to go out-bars etc. Going to a bar isn't always my first priority and usually by the time Friday comes after a long week, I just want to relax and not feel guilty because his friends are trying to make plans and basically don't have someone special in their life or simply b/c they are still in party mode. My boyfriend and I aren't always together during the week so the weekend is our time to finally relax together and be together. I am always up for hanging out if it is what he really wanted or if I am starting to feel it would be a good thing to be in a group but sometimes I wish they would back off and move on with their lives in some ways. It reminds me of still being 22 years old and relying on friends to be around. My boyfriend puts me first but I know he feels that guilt because they constantly call and sometimes break his chops about the fact we don't want to always go out. We will get a call religiously every Friday by one of his friends..he wants to see what we are doing, wants to go here and there..He won't even try and understand that by the time we get out of traffic and actually sit down and have a bite to eat..sometimes it is past 8pm..and I am honestly tired from the work week and I know my b/f is too. But it is still that pain of guilt I know he is feeling b/c he is a nice guy. This in turn makes me feel guilty and like crap. His other friend will call/text all throughout the week and on the weekend. A third friend will usually call and text on the weekend as well--it just adds to the pressure and anxiety of trying to be in an adult relationship and move on in some ways with our life together.

They give him crap for not being around as much or if he even says no because he is too tired--they don't understand that things do change a bit as you get older and more responsibility, a relationship, etc etc. Most of these friends are very much into the night life especially on weekends. One stays up all hours throughou the week and weekends, drinks, wants to hook up because he is single. I find it insulting and partially unhealthy to expect a friend at almost 30 who is in a relationship to be around at his disposal. He calls on a sunday afternoon sometimes not just to talk and see how he is but wants us (him) to go out and it doesn't matter what we might be in the middle of. My friends have gone their own ways for the most part--we talk, we chat, email but I never expect them to be around like they were in the past and vice versa. Even when I was single, I didn't do this.  Most are trying to better their careers, spend time with their husband, fiance, boyfriend have kids etc. I know i am not married yet or have kids but I am not 20 years old. Two days off on the weekened are precious to me and I don't want to wake up hung over each weekend or out til 2am.

They make him feel guilty which my boyfriend does. I personally feel after a certain age how can you expect anyone to be available every weekend or every other weekend even? Am I wrong for thinking this? My boyfriend has trouble too it seems. If he doesn't hear from one friend for only a week he will mention it because it is on his mind. He also says he doesn't want them to think we aren't social as if we have something to prove to others. If we are watching a movie and just relaxing on a Saturday and a friend randomly calls--it adds pressure like should we go out because I know my boyfriend feels bad telling them no. Maybe if they backed off, I wouldn't feel this way but now I feel this way all the time b/c it's been every weekend or even during the week for the past year. If there are no calls, it's like a sigh of relief or if we are away for the weekend and they are aware that he isn't around it is like a breath of fresh air to not get these calls or texts.

There is no way there is enough time for everyone every weekend or during the week unless you are burning the candle on both ends. I feel bad for feeling this way but at the same time I have never seen something like this before and truly don't understand it...

His one friend has been calling to go out during the week with a few other people he knows. I don't feel entirely comfortable with a boyfriend going out like this without me as if he is single. His friends are single, wreckless, drink alot, hook up, immature etc. I know this has nothing to with my boyfriend and I know he isn't going to cheat on me but I am still not at ease for some reason. At the same time I feel silly feeling this way and know this is partially my own issue. On the other hand on the weekends with these friends constantly texting/calling religiously it wears me out. I actually feel some anxiety at times wondering who and what time they are going to call and also should we feel guilty for doing our own thing two weekends in a row. Basically now that we have spent a few weekends not out in a group I know for sure we will have to do that this weekend otherwise it will become an issue of guilt, more calls, more anxiety.

 

Am I being completely unreasonable about all of this? Would anyone else feel the same about the friends calling/texting every weekend to make plans and then us having to feel guilty if we want to do our own thing? I personally feel a couple usually spends more alone time together than constantly in a group and I don't need to prove anything to anyone especially at the age of 28 years old. One of my girlfriend says she definitely understand that it might be rough dealing with that but she believes in time it will naturally slow down especially if we ever got married or had a kid. I really don't want to have a kid with someone if this doesn't stop though..i almost believe they would keep doing this even if we did have a kid in the future. My girlfriend still thinks it will just take time but it will stop at some point.

Am I being overbearing and also should I not worry if he sees them during the week despite their immaturity level??

Is there any advice to use? I love my boyfriend very much. I am feeling frustrated but I also don't want to ruin the best thing I have ever had....

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 11:42pm

 There is more to it than his friends.  It centers around several factors.  One that you are not in the "party" mode.  You job is tiring and the commute is long.  Friday is seen by you a rest & rest.  He sees it as ???

   His friends are either single or clubbers?  So they are not the quiet stay homey types you Bf is ?????

" We don't live super close to each other so we basically live together on the weekends with family and sometimes once during the week we get together as well. Due to space, we spend time in his area."

  What does with family mean?

" My friends have gone their own ways for the most part--we talk, we chat, email but I never expect them to be around like they were in the past and vice versa. Even when I was single, I didn't do this.

  Aha!  This is important.   You are different in your self set up.  He may not be.  There are people who love being in the group or groups.  They enjoy and need more social contact. 

  If you did not feel the need to go over to his place friday's what would you choose to do?   Say you had no BF, just you. then what would your weekend be like? 

 ." I don't feel entirely comfortable with a boyfriend going out like this without me as if he is single."

               In this North American culture that is normal conditioning.

 Take a weekend for yourself.   Your post reads as if you are exhausted.  Many people are drained by constant happenings other are invigorated.   First you have to know yourself.  From the conflict of your post IMO it seems you are working against your self.

    Love is not enough.  It never is. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 10-01-2013 - 1:02am

Nowhere do I see that you've discussed your feelings with your b/f.  You don't like that they seem to want him to be with them even when you're in town.....and he shouldn't give in to it either.  And there's no reason for him to feel guilty about NOT going with them constantly.  If he were considerate of you, and the lack of time that the two of you spend together, it would be a moot point.  He would WANT to be alone with you!  And if he wants to be with you, then there's no reason for guilt.  As for him going out with them during the week......why shouldn't he........you're not there.  If you don't TRUST him, then that's another problem.  Maybe he's more like them than you like to admit.  Most single guys pal around together, but most guys that find someone to settle down with, and at age 28 it's about time, are happy to leave the playing behind and become an adult. 

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel......and you don't need to move in with him or even think about it until you get this problem fixed.  If he's not willing to give them up most of the time, then he's not the best man you ever met.  He's not a mind reader, tell him exactly how you feel, then you'll find out who's more important to him........you or his playmates.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2013
Tue, 10-01-2013 - 4:07am
You are not being unreasonable at all in wanting that time over the weekend alone with your boyfriend. He's used to a certain life with his friends and so are his friends. You can't change their expectations that they have of him. But you certainly can talk to your bf about this. Bring it up gently, not as a complaint or an accusation. Do it when you guys are alone together. Avoid talking about it soon after meeting the friends. Let him know how you feel. Being the nice person that he is, I am sure he will understand. He will need to break it to his friends too that now he has you in his life and he's like to spend whatever time he gets, with you. Things will change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Tue, 10-01-2013 - 7:17am

Thank you for the replies!!

The thing he does put me first and there are a few weekends that pass by where we don't wind up in a social circle..sometimes it is due to the fact that we will wake up early on a saturday to be productive and do something outside which will make us tired early..it still doesn't stop his phone from going off every weekend with the calls and texts..I just think it's too clingy to have to explain most weekends we are doing this and that instead..

Or there are times when we plan to do something and he will mention maybe he show throw the invitation out to so and so because they are always contacting us..and in my mind i am almost thinking really? what happens when we have bigger responsibilities, is this going to continue, are they going to understand and appreciate when we do see them or are we going to given crap if God forbid a month goes by and we haven't physically seen them? In this age of texting and phone contact, you can stil be in touch. At 28, how do you expect to keep with a social circle that reminds me of being in highschool.

 

This is ultimately my biggest problem with the relationship which i know is pretty lucky but still..i am anxious now on weekends and tired of these people not backing off.....

I am almost thinking if i talk to my b/f it will just create more problems than anything else but he will basically ask what is he supposed to do, cut them off, tell them not to text me or call me as much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Tue, 10-01-2013 - 7:19am

it also has slowed down at times but for the most part it's every single weekend from beginning to end with a call, text etc to go out for the night life..it is not clubs, it is bars basically

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

See, noone's in the wrong here really, imho.

You keep saying 'at the age of 28' as though 28 is 60.  28 is, to some,  still very very young. To me, for example, at 43. My partner's 46 and we basically live the life of people at least around 15-20 younger. Rented flat, not married,  no kids, partying (some) at weeekends, travelling to other countries for gigs etc etc etc.  Together for 10 years, and very happy.  There'll always be time to grown up, believe me. Smile

Your bf's friends have chosen to be young, free, single,  immature, hard partying 28 y olds. That is their right - you can't judge them. He was part of that circle a mere year ago, and must have known these people a long time. He can't just cut them out of his life because he's now been with someone for a year.

You are saying that he makes you his priority and doesn't actually go out with them all that often, or expect you to go out with them often. If that is the case...all you can do is hope that with time, they will realise that he's grown up a few years earlier and has other prioirties in life now - and leave him in peace. For now..maybe try to get him to ignore texts? Not respond to calls? Get him to say 'look mate, WOULD KILL to go out tonight, but gf wants me, can't say no can I????'

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think you are blaming the wrong people here.  Maybe the friends are a little annoying if they don't realize that your BF would like to spend time w/ his GF on the weekends if basically that is the only time you see each other but it's his responsibility to tell them not to call so much--can they read minds and know that they are annoying you guys?  They probably just see it as being good friends--hey, a group of us are going to the bar on Fri. night--do you want to come?  i don't really see anything wrong with this and as you do go sometimes, how do they know which nights you want to come & which nights you don't?  I think that he needs to be honest w/ his friends about what he wants to do & what he doesn't want to do--and not feel guilty about it.  No one can MAKE you feel guilty even if they bug him about not going out.  Example:  I'm a middle aged divorced mother--since my kids are grown, now I can go out pretty often on weekends & I do.  I have one friend who I like & would like to spend time with but she really loves to go to this club that to me is like a pickup place for middle aged people--I hardly ever get asked to dance & I think the guys there are kind of creepy.  I don't drink a lot and I'd rather do something more sedate like swing dances, where I actually dance a lot & the guys are more normal.  I basically tell my friend directly that I really like her but I don't care that much for this club so once in a while if she's doing something different I'll go with her or maybe even go to this club once in a while so we do get to spend some time together but she knows my feelings about it.  It's better than trying to avoid the subject altogether.  You asked:

I am almost thinking if i talk to my b/f it will just create more problems than anything else but he will basically ask what is he supposed to do, cut them off, tell them not to text me or call me as much?

Of course if you think something is a problem, you have to learn how to discuss problems w/ your BF--you are going to have many problems and this is a good learning experience--how you handle problems and differences.  It really sounds like your BF doesn't mind it as much as you do that his friends call & text a lot since you said that if he hasn't heard from one friend for a week, he will call the guy.  So what exactly do you want your BF to do?  Not answer their calls or texts or just tell the guys that you are busy or don't want to go out?  I don't see that it's a big problem for him to tell the guys that in the future you probably won't be going out with them on Friday nights because you are both tired from the work week and want to stay in.  I also think it's a big mistake for a couple to spend 100% of their time together and not have any other friends.  if you don't want to go to bars and drink a lot & stay out late, how about inviting the guys to do other things, like over to your/his house or to have dinner?  don't any of these guys have GFs that you could just go out with like a double date?  that probably wouldn't be so crazy.  

As far as not wanting him to go out during the week when you're not there--if he went out then, maybe the guys wouldn't bother him so much on the weekends.  and either you trust him or you don't.  If you trust him, then you should be ok with him going out with the guys even if the friends are crazy single guys.  Before I was married, my then BF & I lived over an hour away so for almost 2 yrs we only saw each other on weekends (I don't know why we never even tried to get together during the week by meeting 1/2 way)--he just did what he wanted during the week.  I never questioned him about it.  He wasn't a wild guy even though he was only 22 when we met so I just assumed that he wouldn't be doing anything that I didn't like.  It's unfair of you not to want him to go out with his friends when you aren't there to supervise him.

I don't think it's an age thing--I think it's a stage of life thing.  No matter what age, if people are single & free to do what they want, they can go out on weekends and have fun.  When people start getting married & having families, then obviously things will be different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

"I am almost thinking that if I talk to my b/f it will just create more problems than anything else but he will basically ask what is he supposed to do,  cut them off, tell them not to text me or call me as much?"  Therein lies the problem!  Why are you afraid to express your opinion?  And if he's so wonderful he will KNOW what to do about it if you tell him how you feel!  Stop thinking, and start talking!  I would think that if he was so loving and considerate, he would KNOW that he should spend more time with you and less with them when you're with him.  Maybe that is also a factor, he really doesn't WANT to give them up.......which means you're not as important to him as you think you are.  Right now he's a happy camper, but you're not, and if you're afraid to express your opinions to him, then I think you're grasping at straws in this relationship.

It's time for you to put on your BGP and speak up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 10-01-2013 - 8:30pm

If you don't want your bf going out with his friends during the week when you're not around, and you don't want to see them on most weekends when you and bf are together, then when is he supposed to see his friends? Its not right for him to dump his old buddies because he has a gf now. It sounds like he was part of a large social circle that did lots of things together and many people wouldn't understand why that would need to change when he got a gf. He must somehow be giving his friends the impression that he's still into the activities, because after a year even the most obtuse guy would figure it out if his buddy didn't want to be included. And these texts he gets constantly, are they for him only or are they group texts and he's just being kept in the loop?

Like other's said, you need to talk to bf about it, find out how much time HE would like to spend with his buddies, compromise if necessary, and understand that its his role to tell his friends if HE doesn't want to be included in the plans. He would have to make it clear that its because HE doesn't want to join in, otherwise you look like the buzzkill gf.

My suggestion: that you stay at your home on most Friday nights to recover from the work week or whatever, and let him go out with his friends that night. Then all of Sat and Sun can be spent doing whatever both of you want to do.