Boyfriend's hobby causing conflict

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2007
Boyfriend's hobby causing conflict
13
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 5:24pm

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 1/2 years, living together for 1 1/2. Pretty much everythign is good in our relationship, except one area, which I know sounds like a strange problem. My boyfriend is very invloved in scouting as a leader and has been invloved in the scouts for the past

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2009
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 6:06pm

Is this really about the scouts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 6:21pm

The thing is, this isn't a hobby, this is his life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 7:46pm
This isnt just a hobby - it is an entire philosophy and way of life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2007
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 8:03pm
I'm curious what you mean by 'philosophy' and way of life. He likes to insist that it's just a hobby, but the way he treats it and talks about it convinces
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 9:33pm

He insists on the "just a hobby" terminology because he knows you don't like it and he wants to underplay its importance so you don't get pissed.

His actions are more important here. It really is the way he lives his life, and if you've tried telling him how you feel but he doesn't change, then maybe it's time to take more drastic measures. You need to approach this from an angle of "I'd like more 'us' time" rather than "I'd like you to spend less time scouting". If you still don't get anywhere, perhaps you should start thinking of whether or not you can stay here and still feel fulfilled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 02-27-2009 - 1:02am

Welcome to the board emilya83,


You've already gotten good input, I just wanted to add some reading material for you to consider:


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Are You the One for Me? Barbara DeAngelis
Keys to the Kingdom, Alison Armstrong


If you had more time with him would it make a difference?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Fri, 02-27-2009 - 3:47am

I have some difficulty with the scouts' ethos as well (specifically their exclusion of gay people), but this is obviously a huge part of who your BF is.


How much time does this take up? Is it a normal hobby amount of time (eg the same amount he'd spend playing tennis or soccer) or is it seriously infringing on your time together?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2009 - 11:33am

Some people are motivated by the concept of - Value Contribution to Society - as part of who they are as people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2007
Fri, 02-27-2009 - 12:39pm

I've never once told him not to do it, I would never feel comfortable doing that. It just bothers me that he's willing to break dates at the last minute, come home hours late and neglect other things that need to be done. He makes me feel like his scouting is more important to him than anything else in life except his job. I feel like it's been his life and his identity for so long, and since he has never had much of a serious relationship before, he never figured out how to include both. I feel the relationship should be a priority inless there's something else that absolutely has to be done. His reasoning for making scouting it such a priority is that he doesn't want to do something if he doesn't do it perfectly.


One other problem I have with it, is that most of the time it doesn't seem like what they're doing is all that benificial

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2009 - 4:33pm
I'm Canadian too so I know what you speak of.

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