Boyfriend's Parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Boyfriend's Parents
28
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 5:41pm

Hey.

My name's Sarah and my boyfriends name is well lets call him (Kris), Kris and I have been dating for 1 year 5 months, he works mon - fri. during this period he was living with his parents in their basements we had fights that extended to his parents getting involved in the middle of the night usually just during the weekends when we were both drunk and this always happened because he says things that he thinks don't bother me or hurt me (sarcastic comments = hurtful), well we'd argue in the basement and his mom would wake up and I know she has every right to be angry (of course we woke her up) but when she comes down stairs she only bitches at me, not her son who of course starts these things.

Anyways about a month ago on a weekend Kris and I went out had fun drank enjoyed the night we were having a great time, as soon as we got back to his parents house something happened I don't remember what because we were both intoxicated but it was pretty bad we got in this verbal fight which became physical (he didn't hurt me or anything I was just grabbing his shirt) but his mother came down argued only with me and said "You two shouldn't be together, you guys need to split up" so that morning after not sleeping being drunk as a skunk and being blamed for everything (i never start a fight he usually says something that pisses me off and when i put him in his place he gets angry.)I just left and he lives so far from me I took a bus home.

we're a lot better now , realizing it's not worth arguing when were drunk.... so less arguing and having more of a great time and things have changed for the both of us.

The problem is he's moving out soon into an apartment that his father co-signed (because he has super bad credit) and I can't move in with him at all, his father said "I don't want her on the lease" and I can't just "stay" there and pay rent if his father finds out he can call authorities and have me charged and escorted out I would have no proof I stayed there my rent money would be collected by him and I wouldn't get credited for anything, now my boyfriend thinks everything will be fine but I really believe this will end our relationship ive always wanted to move out with him ive never had place on my own
and of course..................

he has really bad friends (real scum bag friends who don't like me at all) and i'm afraid will bring girls over after the club and get him real drunk and tell him bad stuff about me. I dont think he'd cheat on me, but if he's got his close friends around who he grew up with telling him bad stuff about me ( of course I don't think he'd believe them but when your drunk your easily influenced ) what if? right. i'm not there either how can i see our relationship go anywhere if i cant even see him or even be living with him.

I just need some advice please and just what should i do? I don't want to break up but at the same time will our trust be broken?!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 8:51pm

It sounds to me that before you worry about this relationship, it's important for you to get your own life together, to fix up your credit, stop getting drunk and spending time making friends with yourself. You need to feel good about your life and about who you are. When you do, you will not get involved with guys who drink, run around with bad friends, and get you involved in fighting and abuse. When you know who you are, what you are truly worth, you will demand and command respect, and more importantly you will respect yourself.


Take a good look at your life, at what is important to you, and what being in a truly loving, healthy relationship means. Get help, go to support groups, get counseling, surround yourself with positive people who will help lift you up, not those who pull you down.


I wish you the very best,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 8:32am

"he might think i'm a huge "drama queen""


His parents already do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 9:00am

Sorry but I agree with americajin more than any other responder to your question.

If you want a mature relationship in which you get along with someone's parents in order to establish a harmonious future between you, then you need to grow up. Until then, getting drunk and fighting at his parents' house will yield you exactly this. You seem to think everyone's opinion you is unfounded and it's all their fault. Well, if you want people to think of you as an adult, then act like one.

The reason she yells at you and not her son is because he is her child and you are not.

Again, if you want a serious relationship, grow up and raise your standards - both for the man in your life and for yourself. If this guy hangs around "scumbags" all the time then you can clearly do better. People tend to keep like company; when you find a guy whose life you fit into it will feel worlds better than this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 12:35pm
How does one 'grow up'?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 2:19pm
By doing the following:
-Stop using blame as a defensive tool
-Take responsibility for your own actions
-Start looking at what your actions mean to others and what effects they will have on the future
-Raise the standards you have for the people in your life including yourself
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 2:46pm

Ok, but again, if someone hasn't been taught all she (OP) hears is that she's bad, doing it the wrong way and her feelings have to be put a side in the name of growing up.


I was thinking more along the lines of:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 4:24pm
Sorry I am not sure how that helps either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 4:32pm

That's ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 6:11pm
You're right, I don't care to validate her feelings because that's coddling and unconstructive for an ADULT.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 9:55pm

....."You're right, I don't care to validate her feelings because that's coddling and unconstructive for an ADULT.".....

Wait, so what in the world have we all been doing on all these message boards all this time except to validate people's (adults') feelings and thoughts-- whether we agree with their actions or not, we still acknowledge their right to have the feelings they do. Maybe I'm mistaken, but I thought the point of all this is to participate in a safe forum where people of many backgrounds can find some understanding so as to LEARN from varied and experienced input how to be a better self, how to improve their situations in life.

So, are you saying that since you don't agree with the OP's actions that you don't have to validate how she feels? Frankly, that statement from you surprises me.

This girl, who for whatever reason finds herself out of control, has underlying reasons why she's doing this. If she knew HOW to be an adult, if she knew HOW to grow up, she probably wouldn't be in the position she's in in the first place. She sounds exceptionally young and as adults we know growth comes through experience. Hopefully someone who's 'been there' is in a compassionate enough frame of mind to say, "Hey, you're not doing yourself any favors and you might consider this other way."

But to just generically say, "Grow up," is like telling a two year old, "Tie your shoes," without first SHOWING or TELLING them how or what you mean. You can tell them til you're blue in the face, and they'll look at you with confusion because they have no idea what you mean. Is that their fault? No. So reprimanding someone for not knowing, in this case the OP, isn't really making a dent except to make them feel badly about themselves without ever showing them how to fix it.

I can see, and you can see, and probably most people can see where fighting in a drunken style to the point where you wake up the parents of your boyfriend in the house they pay for in the middle of the night isn't the wisest course of action to take. But-- she doesn't seem to see the major disconnect there and so to tell her, "Grow up," well, there's just no context for her to go by.

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