Boyfriend's Parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Boyfriend's Parents
28
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 5:41pm

Hey.

My name's Sarah and my boyfriends name is well lets call him (Kris), Kris and I have been dating for 1 year 5 months, he works mon - fri. during this period he was living with his parents in their basements we had fights that extended to his parents getting involved in the middle of the night usually just during the weekends when we were both drunk and this always happened because he says things that he thinks don't bother me or hurt me (sarcastic comments = hurtful), well we'd argue in the basement and his mom would wake up and I know she has every right to be angry (of course we woke her up) but when she comes down stairs she only bitches at me, not her son who of course starts these things.

Anyways about a month ago on a weekend Kris and I went out had fun drank enjoyed the night we were having a great time, as soon as we got back to his parents house something happened I don't remember what because we were both intoxicated but it was pretty bad we got in this verbal fight which became physical (he didn't hurt me or anything I was just grabbing his shirt) but his mother came down argued only with me and said "You two shouldn't be together, you guys need to split up" so that morning after not sleeping being drunk as a skunk and being blamed for everything (i never start a fight he usually says something that pisses me off and when i put him in his place he gets angry.)I just left and he lives so far from me I took a bus home.

we're a lot better now , realizing it's not worth arguing when were drunk.... so less arguing and having more of a great time and things have changed for the both of us.

The problem is he's moving out soon into an apartment that his father co-signed (because he has super bad credit) and I can't move in with him at all, his father said "I don't want her on the lease" and I can't just "stay" there and pay rent if his father finds out he can call authorities and have me charged and escorted out I would have no proof I stayed there my rent money would be collected by him and I wouldn't get credited for anything, now my boyfriend thinks everything will be fine but I really believe this will end our relationship ive always wanted to move out with him ive never had place on my own
and of course..................

he has really bad friends (real scum bag friends who don't like me at all) and i'm afraid will bring girls over after the club and get him real drunk and tell him bad stuff about me. I dont think he'd cheat on me, but if he's got his close friends around who he grew up with telling him bad stuff about me ( of course I don't think he'd believe them but when your drunk your easily influenced ) what if? right. i'm not there either how can i see our relationship go anywhere if i cant even see him or even be living with him.

I just need some advice please and just what should i do? I don't want to break up but at the same time will our trust be broken?!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 10:27pm

I appreciate all the comments and advice, I turned 20 in march he's 25.

where people are saying age doesn't matter i think to the most part it does. I'll be honest I don't know how and where i should start growing up what should i do? My friends and I act like we're 18 and we feel like we havent turned 20. i don't feel 20 or look it. met this guy when i was 18 and have been the same person ive been since then and he loves my personality and never tries to change me. do i have to change myself to become a better more "adult-like" person?




Edited 5/8/2008 10:29 pm ET by poeticjusticezx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 05-09-2008 - 12:23am
Thank you Sandra. As always, you said it way, way better than I did.




angels

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 05-09-2008 - 7:06am
Why don't you two just attack me in Email rather than in response to someone else's question. Or better yet, create a separate board for "different response styles".
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 05-09-2008 - 12:40pm

I don't think you have to change your personaility and that would be hard to do anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Sat, 05-10-2008 - 6:53am

C,mon, we're dealing in semantics here - I would think that everyone knows that, in our common vernacular. telling someone to "grow up" means "stop acting like a child".

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 05-10-2008 - 9:45am

Not knowing how to behave as an adult is common in people in their early 20s--throughout the years before, you have been told what to do, and may have assumed (as I did) that at a certain point, "adultness" just happens. Unfortunately, becoming an adult means asking a series of questions and making a series of choices that become automatic over time, and it's inconvenient to have to learn to do this.

Most adults have a public persona that is calmer and more restrained than their private one. They also ask themselves "Who is here? Will those people be disturbed by what is going on?" and sometimes they also think, "If the other people present become aware of what's happening, will it affect my relationship with them or others?" On the basis of the answers to those questions (and perhaps some others), adults then make the decision to continue what they're doing, to take it somewhere else, to do it differently, or to stop it altogether.

Adults are also less prone to touch other people in anger, and this is something you're already controlling to a certain extent. Try to imagine having a disagreement with your grandmother or your boss and grabbing the other person's shirt. If you can easily imagine yourself lacking the self-control to do this, then you definitely have a problem, and you need to take it to the pros to get some help. On the other hand, if you wouldn't manhandle your grandmother or your boss, then there is no reason to do the same to your boyfriend. It isn't cute or funny to do things like that, it's a form of assault, so you certainly don't want it to become a habit.

Last, adults are careful about the right of the people around them to go on living. When you and your boyfriend go out and both of you get drunk, there is no designated driver to bring you home. Driving drunk is just the same as taking a loaded gun into the middle of the street and firing it randomly. Maybe you won't hurt anyone this time or next time, but sooner or later you are going to shoot someone. You can minimize this problem by limiting your drinking (drink like an adult, in other words), by encouraging your boyfriend to share activities with you that don't involve alcohol, or by getting a new boyfriend, because this one doesn't sound as if he's on the road to adulthood in any way.

When people reach adult age, they usually look on it as a time of freedom and release from rules, an opportunity to make their own decisions without having to answer to their parents. In actuality, reaching adulthood means exchanging a set of rules imposed by your parents for a different set imposed by society, and living by them until you die.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 4:17pm

Thanks to everyone who helped me out.

p.s I live in Canada drinking age is 18. I completely understand what to do now and I'm relieved to know there's people on here that can help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 4:46pm

Thank you for the update. Glad we could help.

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