Boyfriend's tape of another woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Boyfriend's tape of another woman
16
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:45am
I think my boyfriend has a videtape(s) of a woman he had sex with and I think he watches them. Because I came into the room and saw tape on the table with some girl's name on it, which is the same girls name of one of the girls he told me to used to talk to. Now this is an assumption i guess, but i asked him what was on the tape and he said i didnt need to know. then he hid the tape when he left out the room. should i say something or should i keep it to myself? I dont think he is cheating with a person or that girl, but i do think he is watching this tape...what should i do???Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:31pm
That would not fly with me. Your bf is a total jerk and doesn't respect you. I would dunp him. Sorry I don't have a long drawn out pyscological evaluation of why he might be doing this...there is no excuse in my book.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:13pm
You may think and assume the worst-case scenario but you really don't know. He's made the choice to keep the tape private and you should respect that then make a clear decision if this is a deal-breaker for you.

I don't know how long you have been dating this man or if you have an agreement on exclusivity as these two things may have an impact. What do you want him/expect him to do with the tape? Have you saved cards, notes, letters, emails, pictures or gifts from other men? If so, would you be prepared to do the exact same thing with them as you want him to do with the tape?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:56pm
I see what you're saying. But i think i take it kinda hard because this is my first serious relationship. we been together for a year. So i dont have any keepsakes from other men and things like that so I dont understand. And yes i am assuming i dont really know but he is being very sneaky about things now. He won't tell me. i mean if you dont want me to see certain things hide your sh*t and i wont have anything to worry about. I still need some more point of views thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:06pm
I think you need to talk with him about what exactly it is that bothers you and why he is doing it. Does he miss her or does he just like to watch porno? what are you o.k. with? Are there other problems in the relationship?
Community Leader
Registered: 03-17-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:19pm
I agree that she may be assuming a worst-case scenario, however, there is something she saw to give her this idea about the contents of the tape.

Additionally, I think there is a BIG difference between her holding on to keepsakes (letters, notes, etc.) from prior boyfriends and his watching what she considers to be pornographic videos of his exgirlfriend. That is not an equitable parallel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:27pm
I'd dump his a$$. He obviously has no respect for you or your relationship. A video tape of himself and an ex having SEX, is not just a "keepsake" from a previous relationship, nor is it just a porno. Porn is fine--when it's of women you don't know, you'll never meet, and you've never actually slept with. A keepsake from a relationship is an old picture (not an X-rated one), a stuffed animal, or a dried flower--something like that. Not a sex tape. Dump him! He's a disrespectful, dishonest LOSER, and you can do better!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:46pm
My thing is it is an assumption.. i just asked him about it and he wont tell me anything, he said if it was somthinghe needed to tell me would. and he was....but i am also insecure thats why i dont know what to do...i'm confused...one part of me is agreeing with you (but i dontknow all the facts) and the other half is like just let it go...cause i know he not cheating on me, i just think he has a tape and he doesnt wanna tell me about it beause usually he tells me everything, me and him have a very honest relationship but this just dont feel right....but i dont know all the facts
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 3:01pm
We don't know if the tape is pornographic or not - it is soley her assumption that it is based on the one fact that it has a woman's name on it. Perhaps its a video message from her to him - much like a love note. Perhaps its a video of her graduation or some other special event. Perhaps its a collection of music videos that they enjoyed together.

In any event, its something from his past - not the present nor the future. Hopefully the OP can give positive focus on that (with a mindfull eye to his actions) rather than assuming something negative.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 3:16pm
Oh, come ON, spice, you canNOT honestly put a porn tape of him having sex with an ex (assuming that's what it is) in the same category as a BIRTHDAY CARD from an ex!!! They are completely different things!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 3:24pm
I don't Sheri - they are very different things. However, it is 100% TOTAL ASSUMPTION at this time that the tape is pornographic in nature. Perhaps it is pornographic, but what if it is not? What if it is one of the other examples I mentioned perviously in this thread? If we ASSUME that, then it would be of similar character.

The point I want to make is: Don't go spinning out of control based on assumption. Get the FACTS then make a knowledge-based decision.

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