Break up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Break up?
4
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:59pm
I've been in a relationship for over 3 years now. (I'm only 22) Recently, I got enough courage to break up with my girlfriend. After a few days of not speaking with her, and being called by her family asking for a reason, I sat down and talked with her, and naively(?spelling) thought things would get better. After less than 2 weeks of being back together, I find myself questioning the decision I made. I truly care for the girl, and have lived with her for over a year. I don't feel like I have been happy for a very long time, and wonder if attempting to work things out is all for naught. The physical part of our relationship has never been exceptional, and I feel it has made me bitter about the resto of our relationship to the point it will never be better. I could talk forever about my situation... anyone have any advice? I'm expecting to hear "you're young, let it go" kind of advice, but its very difficult when her family tells me they love me, and I would feel like I was letting them down as well. Thanks for reading!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: baseballnia
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 5:47pm
baseballnia...

Why is it that Pianoguy wanted to compare your situation to that of a worn out dishtowel? It's amazing how easy it is for some people to use others until they get tired of 'em....then they want to discard the towel...err...the person!!! I get that impression with you.

You had an "out" 2 weeks ago...and should have ended the relationship for good. However, you changed your mind because of pressure from the girl's family. Obviously they either think very highly of you...or are concerned about the mental state of 'their little girl?'

Let's see...you've been with the lady for 3 YEARS, lived with her for 1 year, and you wanna break it off because she's not 'great in the sack!' Weren't you aware of her sexual disfunction sooner than this? Bringing this issue up NOW as an excuse to dump the girl is VERY LAME! .

I'm not going to do the "you're young and didn't know better" crap. Let's just say you acted irresponsibility with your feelings...not only towards your g/f (who obviously still loves you), but with her family...who probably thought you had honorable intentions? Basically...you misrepresented yourself!

Is it possible to end this relationship gracefully without a lot of anger and tears? NOPE! But since it's obvious that this is what YOU REALLY WANT TO DO....you might as well "face the music and dance!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
In reply to: baseballnia
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:47pm
What do you mean when you say she wasn't good in bed?

Something she did or didn't like to do? JUst curious..
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: baseballnia
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:33pm
Pianoguy, you seem to think you know the entire situation. I never said she "wasn't good in the sack." I've never slept with her, and the physical part of the relationship I was referring to is slightly more encompassing than sex. You act like I decided one day that I was tired of her.... I've been trying to work with her on the issue for upwards of two years... expressing my desire to work it out any way possible. Also, there is no other girl in the on deck circle, which you also seem to have tried to read between the lines about. Its not only sexual activity the girl shys away from, she doesn't like to kiss, etc. because she thinks it will give me the wrong idea about her intentions at the time. Honorable intentions can only take you so far. I have never had a shred of dishonorable intentions with the girl, and her family does think very highly of me. Clearly, any relationship will have its problems, but for two years, the problems have only worsened, and no progress has been made. Honorable intentions, or more naively love, can only take a relationship so far. If a relationship has come to the point of break up, the person making the decision does have to have a bit of selfishness in them, or both parties will continue being unhappy.(even if one is unwilling to admit their unhappiness) This howevever, is not the only aspect of our relationship that has suffered. Communication and realistic interpretations of our relationship have probably never been healthy. I am not attempting to point the blame on her, but if an issue was brought up, she would respond by saying something such as "if we have problems, then maybe we shouldn't be together anyway." As if to say she is unwilling to work on them. However, she has no intentions of breaking the relationship off, this is just her outlook, or "realistic interpretation" of our relationship. Clearly, I could have done more, and can do more, but sometimes enough is enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: baseballnia
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:43pm
No one knows what goes on in a relationship really, except the two people involved. While her family loves you and wants to see the two of you together, that isn't a good enough reason to stay together when you have already identified problem areas. Areas that probably would never improve on their own, meaning without couples counseling things will probably remain the same. So, here's the deal, when you value your feelings, have confidence in your decisions and don't allow yourself to be swayed by someone else's feelings and emotions - yours are more important to you than theirs are, you will do what's in your best interest (and no you aren't being selfish).

I see it as you either get strong in your convictions, go to counseling on your own to find out why you 'give in' or you go to counseling with her and address the issues there so she can understand and possibly come to the same conclusion that the two of you aren't compatible enough for a long-term relationship.


Carrie