A Break??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
A Break??
3
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 9:32am
Hi. I am a little confused about my situation or maybe I am just hurt. I have been in a long distance relationship with a man for over a year now. In the past three weeks he has been very distant. His work has increase tremendously and he is getting a lot of pressure from his bosses. That said. I rarely get to speak with him or get to see him anymore. His "I love you's" and "I miss you's" have also been less. I've brought this to his attention a couple weeks ago his response was "I beg you not to start this, I am so stressed out with work." So I let it go. He finally came to see me last week-end. Things seemed a bit strained and he actually did some work while he was here. Yesterday I e-mailed him and told him he needs to give me enough respect to tell me what is going on. Well, he basically gave me two answers. One, he said ever since I broke up with him several months ago (we got back together in three days) he has been waiting for me to give him the axe again. He said he cannot get over the "impending doom" that it is going to happen again. Second, he is so busy with work he doesn't have time to give me the attention I need and feels he is not being a good boyfriend. We talked a long time last night and decided to take a "breather" as he called it and NOT a break. He made it clear that we are not taking a break. He has some big stuff happening at work next week and he said after that he will contact me.

A few things that really bother me is first, I am being put second to his job. He could make time for me (he has time to spend hours at his brother's place. He says b/c this is where he lets off steam). He could call me while he is driving from his job, etc. and I have told him this. Still nothing. He tries to say the phone works both ways, so I have called him several times this week. He either doesn't answer his phone or didn't have time to talk to me. Second, he is moving to another state b/c of work. Now his company has not been very good about giving him a solid date, yet I found out from another source that he is moving the end of the month and his family is having a farewell party for him this week-end. This is what really bothers me. I asked him about this and he claims he told me about the moving and that nothing is still confirmed, and that he just assumed I would be going to the party. Well now we decided to take a "breather" so even though I will be in his town all week-end I am not to see him. I know some of you may be thinking that he is cheating b/c, trust me, I have. But I don't think he is cheating. But I am sceptical that his feelings seemed to change all with in the last three weeks. He said he still loves me.

He claims we need this "breather" to back off each other and to appreciate each other again. I feel like the breather for him is to see if he really wants me in his life. He is moving and our plan was for me to move with him eventually. A couple months ago he told me he wanted to marry me. Told is the key word here. He didn't really ask me although he did ask me if this is something I would want with him.

I am hurt. I some how went from the love of his life, someone who made him happy to someone he has to "deal" with. And in the back of my head I keep thinking that he was planning on moving and never telling me, just disappearing. He is suppose to call me next week when his big work project is over, but I don't know that he will. I also feel as though I need to be tough and just move on without him. I have been in so much pain these past three weeks that I am afraid this will just be yet another toxic relationship. Ya know I didn't even really want to go out with him a year ago and now I just love him so much. Why is it that as soon as I love someone so very much, they decide the opposite.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goodjwitch
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 3:22pm
Hey there, I wrote you a long response but lost it when my computer froze up...grr.

Basically, I think he's just having trouble multi-tasking...so many men do! I'm not saying it's right, but it's a pretty common male trait to withdraw when work (or something else) is stressful. I would give it until next week after his project is over and see if he improves (I bet he will). Plus, being uncertain about you (due to you breaking up with him) could be causing him to say that he loves and misses you less often.

The guy I'm seeing (also long-distance) went through a similar withdrawal when his dad died. I did my best not to take it personally and we got through it (it was hard, though).

The real question is, can you accept that this is how he is? Unless he makes a conscious effort to change his behavior, this will happen again the next time work gets overwhelming.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goodjwitch
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 8:35am
Thanks Sheri. I wish I would also hear what others think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: goodjwitch
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:06am
Well on the one hand I can see how if work is really busy and stsressful he doesn't have time to make you a priority in his life. I hope he is being sincere when he says he will call you next week when it calms down.

But some things stand out to me as not making sense. His family is giving him a going away party and you are not invited? He knows when he is moving yet he never told you? There shouldn't be any confusion here. IMO, you should have had some talks about this.

So break up, on a break, taking a breather, whatever, it seems like there are some communication problems here.

I don't know how much you can do about it for the next week. Sit tight and hopefully you will get some answers.