break up or make up?
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break up or make up?
| Fri, 07-23-2004 - 12:19pm |
I have been with a man for almost a year who I love very deeply. He has such wonderful qualities and I admire him in so many ways. The problem is, he has a very troubled past. His did not have a good childhood and now does not have a good relationship with his family. As a result of this, he does not know how to handle conflict and fighting. When we get into an argument, he often insults me and says really hurtful things. After the fight he apologizes and tells me that he never meant any of those insulting things. I have told him he needs to get help but he has made no effort to do so. This past weekend the insulting went a little too far, and I ended the relationship. I love this man but cannot stay in an unhealthy situation. He will not accept this, and has been calling me nonstop begging me to take him back. He promises that he will change and get help dealing with his anger. Should I believe him and give him another chance if he seeks therapy, or should I end the relationship once and for all? I am hurting so much and don't know what to do. Please Help!

What type of conflicts are you having? How long has this been going on for? your whole relationship? Regardless of this mans past hurting the women he love most and that loves him makes little sense. His quick apologies are a good thing but the fact he continues to do this is not. If he has NEVER hit you I would take him back on the condition he does get help (within a time frame you set), you should go together but he should arrange it. He must learn to communicate better with you. You should practice talking with him and agree that if things heat up that you both back off and try again later, but keep doing it. Maybe set a time each week that you work on this together, that way he can plan and think about want he wants to say. Yelling insults at someone is what I believe typical for someone that can't think quick enough to engage in the conversation/argument without feeling belittled or equal.
If it keeps happening and you see little change within 3 months then get out of the relationship for good, It hurts but you will be much much happier later in life. Life is a positive thing, who wants to be insulted all through it, it doesn't need to be this way!
My 2 cents
Brent
it doesn't really matter WHY he is the way he is, in fact saying that "because of his childhood" he is the way he is - is a sure way to fall into the trap of accepting his behavior, time after time, and escalation after escalation (BTDT). you say "He has NEVER hit me and I don't think he ever would" - but you see he is being abusive to you (whatever the 'reason' is) - and abuse USUALLY gets worse and worse over time. sometimes its hard for us to accept that the person we love is following a 'known pattern' - but this guy is definately following the pattern for abusers, and he very well may hit you physically at some time down the road.
I applaud you for leaving him when you did - you are in essence telling him that his behavior is simply unacceptable to you. if he made an appointment to get help - then let him go and get help. if and when he understands that he needs to change his life - and he makes the necessary changes - then you might consider getting back together with him.
because its painful for you right now - i would suggest that you DON'T have any contact with hm for the time being.
hopefully you have some good friends who will support you during this time.