break up or make up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
break up or make up?
4
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 12:19pm
I have been with a man for almost a year who I love very deeply. He has such wonderful qualities and I admire him in so many ways. The problem is, he has a very troubled past. His did not have a good childhood and now does not have a good relationship with his family. As a result of this, he does not know how to handle conflict and fighting. When we get into an argument, he often insults me and says really hurtful things. After the fight he apologizes and tells me that he never meant any of those insulting things. I have told him he needs to get help but he has made no effort to do so. This past weekend the insulting went a little too far, and I ended the relationship. I love this man but cannot stay in an unhealthy situation. He will not accept this, and has been calling me nonstop begging me to take him back. He promises that he will change and get help dealing with his anger. Should I believe him and give him another chance if he seeks therapy, or should I end the relationship once and for all? I am hurting so much and don't know what to do. Please Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 1:07pm
Hi Mickey,

What type of conflicts are you having? How long has this been going on for? your whole relationship? Regardless of this mans past hurting the women he love most and that loves him makes little sense. His quick apologies are a good thing but the fact he continues to do this is not. If he has NEVER hit you I would take him back on the condition he does get help (within a time frame you set), you should go together but he should arrange it. He must learn to communicate better with you. You should practice talking with him and agree that if things heat up that you both back off and try again later, but keep doing it. Maybe set a time each week that you work on this together, that way he can plan and think about want he wants to say. Yelling insults at someone is what I believe typical for someone that can't think quick enough to engage in the conversation/argument without feeling belittled or equal.

If it keeps happening and you see little change within 3 months then get out of the relationship for good, It hurts but you will be much much happier later in life. Life is a positive thing, who wants to be insulted all through it, it doesn't need to be this way!

My 2 cents

Brent

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 11:33am
Thank you for your reply. The insulting has not been going on for our entire relationship, and has only come out in the last two months. He has NEVER hit me and I don't think he ever would, but I also never thought he would insult me this way. During the last fight we had he said that I was a **ore and that he was still in love with his ex. I left him. During the next few days he swore he didn't mean what he said and cried and begged me to take him back. I refused. I love him so much and this is so hard for me, but I simply cannot forget the insults. He has since told me that he made an appointment with a counselor to get help for his problems. He says he is sure that I am the one and that he will do anything to win me over. I once thought that he was the one too so I am extremely confused. Part of me wants to hate him for hurting me like he did, and the other part is so sad and empty without my best friend. I am trying really hard to be strong about my decision but in the meantime my heart is breaking. Any advice????
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 12:52pm

it doesn't really matter WHY he is the way he is, in fact saying that "because of his childhood" he is the way he is - is a sure way to fall into the trap of accepting his behavior, time after time, and escalation after escalation (BTDT). you say "He has NEVER hit me and I don't think he ever would" - but you see he is being abusive to you (whatever the 'reason' is) - and abuse USUALLY gets worse and worse over time. sometimes its hard for us to accept that the person we love is following a 'known pattern' - but this guy is definately following the pattern for abusers, and he very well may hit you physically at some time down the road.


I applaud you for leaving him when you did - you are in essence telling him that his behavior is simply unacceptable to you. if he made an appointment to get help - then let him go and get help. if and when he understands that he needs to change his life - and he makes the necessary changes - then you might consider getting back together with him.


because its painful for you right now - i would suggest that you DON'T have any contact with hm for the time being.


hopefully you have some good friends who will support you during this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:38pm
I just want to thank both who replied. The responses have been extremely helpful. I am sure I made the right decision to end this relationship because I have realized that what he was doing to me was a form of verbal abuse. He has promised to go and get help and says he will do anything he can to get better so that we can be together. He has asked that I support him as a friend during this hard time and at least talk with him about his progress over the phone. I agreed because I do love him and do not want to completely abandon him. I have made it clear that until I can see that he understands his problems and knows how to deal with them, we cannot be together. In the meantime, he has promised not to see other people and has asked me to do the same. I love him and do not plan to see anyone else, but I am not sure I can make this promise because I can't be sure he is going to change. What should I do???