breaking up

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
breaking up
15
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 3:50pm
last year my boyfriend and i got back to gether after him breaking up with me for a couple months, he said the feelings werent there, well we got back together in july and moved in together in october and then he told me he loved me...well there has been this ongoing issue where i somethimes loose it and leave him countless messages....he likes to spend alot of time out by himself but we also have our together time, but than for no reason at all i feel as if he is out because he doesn't want to be with me, which isn't it at all he has said that from day one, no matter who he's with that's how he will be...well i guess i have some kind of insecurity issue or something, i'm fine for weeks and than boom, i get mad at him for going out and accuse him of seeing other people, which he isn't....well this last time i went too far i sent him like 100 text messages can't even remember what 10 of them were, he's like it's over , we have tried and tried but you turn into a jeckyl and hide and i can't continue to walk on eggshells, he says a relationship shouldn't be that much work it should come natural....well here i sit crying because he definitly going to leave, i told him i need help or something and he's like well than u should do that for yourself, he won't hang in there any longer, he said he keeps giving me chance after chance and this was the last staw..he claims he still loves me but can't remain in a relationship that continues to go nowhere...i feel lost right now no clue what to do, if feels as if part of me is gone..any advice would be much appreciated...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: ggirl1970
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 5:01pm
It is time for you to explore your insecurities and jealousy problems that have nothing to do with anyone's behavior. Go to counseling and figure out why this happens. Have you been cheated on before? What about your parents-did they have a bad relationship where one person cheated on the other?

Don't date until you can be perfectly happy being single and on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 5:35pm
yes i have been cheated on before...and my insecurity issues i think steam from his need to be out almost everyday of the week, yet he was upfront with me w/this info in the begining i guess i thought that he would eventually want to spend more time with the person you love...i love him to death and now i'm loosing him for the 2nd time
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ggirl1970
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 9:04am
Every day?? I'd be bothered by that too. Although, in your case, I think it's excessive and that you need to get help and get to the bottom of it. Until then, you will not have a healthy relationship with anyone. You need to have a healthy relationship with yourself first.

Btw - what is he doing by himself EVERY day? When do the 2 of you go out and do something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 12:45pm
Hi, I have a similar problem, I only used to write fewer sms when my b/f was out (smile)

and believe me he rarely went out...

It turned out that the problem got worse and he started surfing the net, probably to get some space of his own...

I used to panick like you, the only thing that can really help you is counselling

Whatever reassurance he might give u, it will never be enough, 'cause if you think about it it's like a sort of addiction, you need constant reassurance...

Nobody, in an adult relationship, can give u that.

The only way is to go to the roots of your ensecurities

It helped me to do more things with my friends, go out, meet other people...when you feel panicky don't u have any friend to call that can help u take your mind off him and what he mignt be doing?

if you want write me
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: ggirl1970
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 2:06pm
So he likes being out all the time and likes knowing he can come to you, have sex, hang out with you when he's ready - that's not a relationship, but it is rather convenient for him. He never has to incorporate your needs, wants, desires into the 'relationship'.

Even with that said, I totally agree with what gina said - time for you to go to counseling on your own and build your self-esteem, work on yourself and be more confident about who you are. Free counseling is avaliable at your local college if you are enrolled, through your church or through the County Mental Health Center.

Reading material to consider (at least one from each group):

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

Don’t Call that Man – The Survival Guide to Letting Go – Rhonda Finding

Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher

Olive Juice...and Other Thoughts on Love, Heartbreak and Moving Forward by Eric Champnella

I Used to Miss Him...But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide by Alison James

And over time, read all of these...check out the library:

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

The Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz

Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes

In the Meantime, Iyanla Vanzant

Who Moved My Cheese? Spencer Johnson

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 2:10pm
he hangs out with his friends who own a bar...we go out on saturday night and a couple nights a week we go to the movie or dinner and then usually one of those week nights he'll end up going out after that...yeah i know i need some help i think i will need to talk to a counselor...my boyfriend broke up with me and says i need to do this for me...i just can't understand why we have to be broken up...but i guess that goes along with my problem...i keep harping on the issue and then he said well this relationship is at a stand still i love u and u r a real sweethart but it's not at the next level...not sure if he saying this to get me to understand that we are broken up and i need to do this for me, so i don't do it for the relationship or what...but now i am even more upset...why would we get back together than he tells me he luvs me ,also he just wrote in a card how he's not the average bear and he knows i put up with a lot but he's the bear who luvs me the most...and the other card says something like there's no rebates and he's mine forever....that's why i think he is saying that to make me mad and to go do this for myself.....man oh man...i luv him so much and it hurts i don't know how to understand all the mixed things he is saying


Edited 8/15/2004 2:30 pm ET ET by ggirl1970
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 2:16pm
see that's part of the problem too, i don't like sharing stuff with my friends, i don't like to be judged or for them to judge him...i wish i would have figured this out sooner, because now he is going to leave, i pushed him to the limit this time...and he really means it, he's like u need to get help for yourself not us..i can't stop crying, it's pretty pathetic to tell you the truth because i'm usually a pretty stong person...i also need to do things w/other people, see that was a big problem i was sitting home all the time thinking what he was doing...all my friends are married and really don't like to do stuff....i really screwed this up bad and now it looks like i've lost someone who i love dearly...:-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 4:18pm
I understand what you are saying, when you are so dependent on someone, it's hard to find someone who can listen to u without judging, u sort of feel nobody understands how u feel...

It sounds strange to me too that he always feels the need to go out on his own...

sometimes we convince ourselves we have found our true love, even when he is not really what we are looking for...(maybe cause we are so worried about loosing him that we don't really spend time to figure out what it is that we want in a relationship)

It has partly to do with your insecurities, but it seems to me, that he could have reassured u a bit more...

don't beat up yourself, the more you attack yourself with all the "should have done" the worst you are going to feel...

Only counsellors don't judge and really help...

I know what it feels like staying home thinking about what he might be doing, but that is not life! it was surely a great idea to come on the net, sharing your problem...

don't be hard on yourself, can't you see that's were all your problems come from?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:21am
well after more talking it appears as if now he is saying that the feelings he has for me haven't gone to the next level, he loves me but they have progressed to marriage level so he feels we are at a stand still and things aren't going to get any better. he's like we have tried this for 3 years and the progression isn't there for him..not really sure what he is looking for...i want to be mad but i can't ...how can i be mad for someone telling how they feel ...i knew my feelings seemed to be stronger than his but he really isn't an emotional person, so i just thought that was it...well well so many emotions to handle at once, now i have to go and try to make through a day of work without crying...thanks for your help...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 4:04pm
It might be that apart from your dependency, you are not so made for each other like u thought u were, after three years he is still out almost every night, that is an indication that he is not looking for real commitments right now,

you also say he is not an emotional person, maybe then he is not that right for you, maybe you need someone more willing to share his feelings...

but all thisi it's about him and you can't change him in any way, of course it's useless and dangerous to get angry at him simply for not feeling like u do...

you must take responsability of yourself, I know it' hard, but if you don't give yourself the food u need...

is your job any interesting? any possible friend there to hang out with?

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