breaking up
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breaking up
| Sat, 08-14-2004 - 3:50pm |
last year my boyfriend and i got back to gether after him breaking up with me for a couple months, he said the feelings werent there, well we got back together in july and moved in together in october and then he told me he loved me...well there has been this ongoing issue where i somethimes loose it and leave him countless messages....he likes to spend alot of time out by himself but we also have our together time, but than for no reason at all i feel as if he is out because he doesn't want to be with me, which isn't it at all he has said that from day one, no matter who he's with that's how he will be...well i guess i have some kind of insecurity issue or something, i'm fine for weeks and than boom, i get mad at him for going out and accuse him of seeing other people, which he isn't....well this last time i went too far i sent him like 100 text messages can't even remember what 10 of them were, he's like it's over , we have tried and tried but you turn into a jeckyl and hide and i can't continue to walk on eggshells, he says a relationship shouldn't be that much work it should come natural....well here i sit crying because he definitly going to leave, i told him i need help or something and he's like well than u should do that for yourself, he won't hang in there any longer, he said he keeps giving me chance after chance and this was the last staw..he claims he still loves me but can't remain in a relationship that continues to go nowhere...i feel lost right now no clue what to do, if feels as if part of me is gone..any advice would be much appreciated...

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Don't date until you can be perfectly happy being single and on your own.
Btw - what is he doing by himself EVERY day? When do the 2 of you go out and do something?
and believe me he rarely went out...
It turned out that the problem got worse and he started surfing the net, probably to get some space of his own...
I used to panick like you, the only thing that can really help you is counselling
Whatever reassurance he might give u, it will never be enough, 'cause if you think about it it's like a sort of addiction, you need constant reassurance...
Nobody, in an adult relationship, can give u that.
The only way is to go to the roots of your ensecurities
It helped me to do more things with my friends, go out, meet other people...when you feel panicky don't u have any friend to call that can help u take your mind off him and what he mignt be doing?
if you want write me
Even with that said, I totally agree with what gina said - time for you to go to counseling on your own and build your self-esteem, work on yourself and be more confident about who you are. Free counseling is avaliable at your local college if you are enrolled, through your church or through the County Mental Health Center.
Reading material to consider (at least one from each group):
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
Self Matters, Phil McGraw
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
Don’t Call that Man – The Survival Guide to Letting Go – Rhonda Finding
Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher
Olive Juice...and Other Thoughts on Love, Heartbreak and Moving Forward by Eric Champnella
I Used to Miss Him...But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide by Alison James
And over time, read all of these...check out the library:
Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel
The Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz
Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes
In the Meantime, Iyanla Vanzant
Who Moved My Cheese? Spencer Johnson
My best to you.
Carrie
Edited 8/15/2004 2:30 pm ET ET by ggirl1970
It sounds strange to me too that he always feels the need to go out on his own...
sometimes we convince ourselves we have found our true love, even when he is not really what we are looking for...(maybe cause we are so worried about loosing him that we don't really spend time to figure out what it is that we want in a relationship)
It has partly to do with your insecurities, but it seems to me, that he could have reassured u a bit more...
don't beat up yourself, the more you attack yourself with all the "should have done" the worst you are going to feel...
Only counsellors don't judge and really help...
I know what it feels like staying home thinking about what he might be doing, but that is not life! it was surely a great idea to come on the net, sharing your problem...
don't be hard on yourself, can't you see that's were all your problems come from?
you also say he is not an emotional person, maybe then he is not that right for you, maybe you need someone more willing to share his feelings...
but all thisi it's about him and you can't change him in any way, of course it's useless and dangerous to get angry at him simply for not feeling like u do...
you must take responsability of yourself, I know it' hard, but if you don't give yourself the food u need...
is your job any interesting? any possible friend there to hang out with?
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