breaking up

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
breaking up
15
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 3:50pm
last year my boyfriend and i got back to gether after him breaking up with me for a couple months, he said the feelings werent there, well we got back together in july and moved in together in october and then he told me he loved me...well there has been this ongoing issue where i somethimes loose it and leave him countless messages....he likes to spend alot of time out by himself but we also have our together time, but than for no reason at all i feel as if he is out because he doesn't want to be with me, which isn't it at all he has said that from day one, no matter who he's with that's how he will be...well i guess i have some kind of insecurity issue or something, i'm fine for weeks and than boom, i get mad at him for going out and accuse him of seeing other people, which he isn't....well this last time i went too far i sent him like 100 text messages can't even remember what 10 of them were, he's like it's over , we have tried and tried but you turn into a jeckyl and hide and i can't continue to walk on eggshells, he says a relationship shouldn't be that much work it should come natural....well here i sit crying because he definitly going to leave, i told him i need help or something and he's like well than u should do that for yourself, he won't hang in there any longer, he said he keeps giving me chance after chance and this was the last staw..he claims he still loves me but can't remain in a relationship that continues to go nowhere...i feel lost right now no clue what to do, if feels as if part of me is gone..any advice would be much appreciated...

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:14am
Going into this relationship he said that that part of him wasn't going to change, going out, which i am fine with for the most part. over the 3 yrs he has definitely changed his ways and spends more time with me, than before, which probably to someone else isn't saying alot. I really like to have my own time to, i was married before to somehow who didn't like to even go out of the house,bad match there. The more I think and the more I read I do see that I definitely have issues w/insecurity and need to get that under control, and from reading this book I bought, i can see how he is feeling like he is, i'm always doubting his feelings for me and afraid that i'm not enough for him, and really for no reason from anything he is doing. I definitly think that he has his own issues but I need to take care of mine first. I really don't think he wants to end this, but I do think he thinks that is the only way i will see he is serious. I'm hoping I can get the information I need from these books instead of counseling, i have so much crap going on I just can't afford another expense. Oh by the way we are in our early/mid 30's just to give u an idea of age...Thanks for your help, see now if I had someone like you to hang out with that would be another part of my problem solved...I do have people i talk to at work and it's a pretty cool place, but i'm not much on being forward and asking people to do things...another thing i need to work on.....:-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 11:55am
Glad to hear about the improvements, can I have the title of the book you are reading? 'cause I told you, I'm pretty in the same situatione as you are, with trust and insecuirity.

At work just stay open, the chance might come, especially now that you and your b/f are spending time apart, you might be more available for friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:07pm
the book is the tender heart conquering your insecurity, joseph nowinski...i've put in my head that i'm just going to do what i need to do , whether is get out there and invite myself to happy hr or read at the coffee spot..and get a grip on things...well we live in the same house so it's not like we r apart ....and he hasn't mentioned the break up since it happened ...so not sure if because he is seeing me doing things to try and figure out the problem that he is changing his mind or what....but i have to be less dependent on him and have a life on my own..that also is some of the problems that we have...if it works out that way than great, but if not than i guess it wasn't meant to be and i will be devasted but atleast i can say i tried my best and maybe we were meant to just be friends....(saying that but really don 't want to believe it.)....so how r things with u, do u post your own questions to the site?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ggirl1970
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:22pm

Get yourself a really good, well trained therapist, fast. You have a serious problem here that needs to be tended to - whether you are with him or not. The problem isn't about him, it' something in your own life that needs tending to. You can't force him to stay with you - all you can do is let him know that you are going to really work on this issue. What he does then is up to him. But whatever he does, you must handle this problem so that you can go forward in your life and have the kind of relationship you so much want.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
In reply to: ggirl1970
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 5:46am
well I did post a few days ago, mine was a sad face titled advice needed.(if u want to read it)

I not only was ('cause right now, the relationship is over) dependent and overly controlling, but he also had a past that worried me a lot(and we both had self control issues)

Well now he told me that he wishes to let go of that past, that he would make changes for me, but our relationship is probably already ruined.(too many bad things have happened)

I invested everything on him, now He's gone a few days to the seaside at his mother's, and I'm spending my holidays at my parents', lost the house we were sharing, (after a fight he asked me out...)

Well at least u can say your b/f is acting really rational,(no shouting, name calling or hands on) that's a good sign.

I must say my b/f at first tried to warn me about our problems and left me for a short while, but then we got back together and things never really got better..

Dependency is a dangerous issue to deal with, it's really hard to move on 'cause I keep on feeling it's all my fault...

So u can see there is worse than your situation :-)

Pages