Breaking up for no good reason

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Breaking up for no good reason
3
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:08pm
I just broke up with my bf on Monday. We always talked about being together in the future and marriage. We had a 1 year anniversary on April 26th and ever since then he was really strange. He suddenly wanted all of this "free time". I said it was fine because we used to see each other almost 5 days a week so I didn't mind. But then his free time became ditching me time. Like he'd say on Thursday he'd see me on Sunday, but then Sunday would come around and he'd be at a car show or something. He said he just started to feel too tied down and everything he ever wanted just came too quick. He also said things got to be too routine for him and that maybe we should take a break. So we took this break and we finally saw each other on Monday. But on Monday, he broke up with me. He said he really loves me but he's noticed little things starting to bother him and just felt stressed out but he wants to stay with me. However, he said he started finding other girls cute. He said he knows he loves me and can't figure out why he finds other girls attractive even if it is human instinct and that we should take a bigger break this time.

Our last break we just didn't talk to each other as much and didn't see each other at all. This time though, he wants to kiss other girls and wants me to kiss other guys to make sure I'm we're "the one" for each other. His parents went through a divorce when he was younger and he said he doesn't want that to happen to us. He wants to be with me still but he said the only way we can know for sure is if we don't have feelings for anyone else. He said he doesn't want us to get sexually involved with other people though because that brings too many different emotions that might not even be real feelings just a "spur of the moment" kind of thing. He said he still wants to marry me but just wants to make sure everything is perfect or almost perfect first. My friend told me her boyfriend did something like this before he proposed to her and not to fret about it (not saying he's going to propose but maybe just uncertain about "leading each other on")He was actually crying while he told me this and said he doesn't understand why he has these feelings and that he stares at our pictures a lot and just thinks about everything that we've been through. He's a strong guy who never shows his emotions, so I'm really thinking he's being sincere and not giving me some bs story. When he was breaking up with me it felt like the first day we met with the butterflies in our stomachs, little kisses, hand holding, and all except the fact that it was a break-up date instead. I really feel like he's going to come back to me but I just hope I'm right and not going to hurt myself. He said he does this every summer he has a girlfriend but he usually doesn't care if he lets them go, but he wants to hold on to me because he knows that he loves me.

What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 12:03pm
I'll never understand why people fall for the old "I have to be with other people to prove to myself you are the one" line. What this is really saying is, "I don't feel strongly enough to commit to you exclusively because, there's probably something better out there. But, just in case I don't find anything better I'll keep you around". If you choose to commit to someone, you do it. If you *are* his 'the one', he would not want to see other people and he certainly would not want you to be kissing other guys!

I'd say the last sentence of your post tells you the whole story. "He said he does this every summer he has a girlfriend." What ever other reasons he's given you for this break-up are just fluff. This is the truth. Regardless of how it impacts you, he wants to be single, to keep his options wide open, for the summer. And this: "but he usually doesn't care if he lets them go, but he wants to hold on to me because he knows that he loves me" It's pure bunk! If he really wanted to hold on to you because he loves you, either of you kissing *anyone* else would be out of the question for him. If what he says is true, that he really does love you then his morals and values make it perfectly OK for him to love someone but run around kissing other people. Do you really want him?

As long as we walk the earth, we will see people we think are good looking. The waiter at the resaurant I had lunch at last week was absolutely delicious to look at. Did I take that as a sign that my feelings for my bf must be tested? Did I go home and break up with my bf so I could go try kissing the waiter and maybe other men if I liked how they looked? NO - and it sounds kinda silly from the outside, doesn't it? About the waiter; I appreciated the 'beauty' but took *NO* action. Like enjoying the beauty of a sunset. The difference between someone who is commited and someone who isn't is what they do in *reaction* to the attraction. That shows the *real* them.

One other point. He's going from having one steady gf to summer days filled with bikini clad bevys. Do you honestly believe he'll draw his line at only kissing? Of course he wants you to think that. At the end of the summer, if he hasn't found anyone he wants to hang on to until next summer, he'll come back for you and he doesn't want you all used. If you do get with him, please have him get tested for std's first. Don't just take his word that he didn't or that he used protection. Your life is at stake.



This guys values are so warped that I don't really see why you'd want him. I think you should count yourself lucky to have found out how shallow this guy is, so early in your relationship. There are so many wonderful, kind, morally upright men out there. You deserve way better than this, you really do. Since you are already broken up, don't look back. Move on to a better life.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 3:57pm

It sounds like he may have had a bout with temporary insanity...:) In all seriousness, it sounds like after a year, he is freakin. He doesnt know who is he is yet and he cant be part of a team, if he doesnt know himself as an individual yet. Its clear he loves you, but he cant and wonr be what you need and deserve untill he matures a bit.


Often, when you are young and are in a committed relationship at such a yooung age, its common to be curious if your with the right person. Its not that you dont want to be with that person, but you need to make sure you dont want to be with anyone else either.


Give him space, lead your life and follow your heart....



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 5:41pm
Dear deelittle1

I am over almost the same problem, I think you have to do what i am doing, i have been crying for almost 3 month, it was a relation of 2 years, and we made everything to be married, and he is now with the nanny, he is 53 and she 28, think about that.

At first I learn that you have love yur self first, maybe we are the kind of woman who love too much, and forgot about us, so please take care of you, you have to have wonderful feelings, and good friends, please ask you what is what you more like or enjoy in life, except him( when people ask me, I answer HE), like swimming, painting, being beautiful, going to beauty, talking with friends, you see that when your self esteem goes up, you will feel better. It is hard, is horrible, you have to feel world is ending, I know that, but not world dont end because men, I still suffering while a time, but I have to go out this, so you can too, you have long life, and if you believe in God, I dont know, pray, and recover your faith, and ask him to clean up of this feeling, and watch you in the mirror, and see how beautiful you have to be, and how looser he can be, loosing you, but you deserve more, so maybe he will comeback to you, or maybe not, God have the best for you.