Breaking up over sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2007
Breaking up over sex
6
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 2:55pm

This is my first relationship/sexual relationship, not his. We've been together for about 10 months, sexually active most of that time. I have had problems with sexual arousal and climaxing during our entire relationship. My boyfriend has been awesome and very supportive about it, even dealing with how depressed I get after sex. I've been seeing doctors about it, and have tried different things with little results so far. Sex is always fine when we first start, but I lose interest during the middle of it.

The last week or two, he's been getting sad out of the blue when we're watching TV and he's reluctant to talk to me about why. Finally he told that our sex life is taking its toll on him, and he's depressed about it. He wants "someone who wants to have sex with him". The frequency of our sexlife and my inablility to get into it, are the things that are bothering him I think.

I'm pretty sure he's thinking about breaking up with me over this. We love eachother, and he admitted to me once that everything else in our relationship is great, but sex is very important to him. I asked him point blank last night if "breaking up" has crossed his mind recently, and he wouldn't answer me.

How am I supposed to feel about this? I've been supportive, but I also let him know how these talks of ours make me think: like he was breaking up with me, like he would rather be with someone else who's better with sex, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

Is it awful of him to break up over sex? Should I ignore what I'm feeling and just try to comfort him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 3:31pm

No, it's not aweful to break up over sex. In fact, it's practical. Go read people on the Married in Name Only boards, or the Mismatched Libido boards. Unless both parties don't really care for sex, it is going to be a big part of being married.

Much better than you both learn this now and go your separate ways than deny it, assume it "doesn't matter, everything else is good", and end up wanting to get away from one another when you've been married 5 years and have 2 kids...

Learn from the experience, and find someone you're completely compatible with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 5:02pm

Welcome to the board kmariekmarie,


I am wondering what your doctors have told you when you saw them regarding your issues with sex. I think it is important for you to know that

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 12:12pm

No, it's not awful for him to want to break up over sex. Sex is very important to many and if there is such a big problem in that area, then it certain will take its toll. Men (and women as well) often base a lot of their self esteem and feelings of being wanted and loved upon their sexual relationship. He probably feels unwanted and rejected as if he can't satisfy you, and no one would want to live their entire life feeling this way.


You really need to work out what this problem is. I think you should see a well trained therapist and go into therapy to discover the underlying causes. This problem would effect most men. It is up to you to work it through and to serious about it. You need to take responsibility for the severity of the problem, let him know you recognize that it is a serious problem and that it is your problem and that you are doing all you can to work it through. That may give you guys time. But to act as though he has no right to feel this way is not only a mistake, but it puts a kind of blame on him. There is no reason to blame him at all, he has every right to feel as he does. You do not have to blame yourself either, but you do have to recognize that there is a serious problem here and work it out.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 3:12pm

do you in all honesty believe there is a "serious issue" requiring "therapy to discover the underlying issues" for a newly sexually active young woman to not yet achieve consistant sexual arousal and/or orgasm???

seriously?

in my experience, observation, and opinion, this situation is very common...its well known many females don't orgasm thru intercourse...that manual/oral stimulation is helpful...that prolonged foreplay is often necessary...that its a good idea for young women to get in touch with their own sexuality and pleasure zones via masturbation, etc...

to make a young woman feel there is a "serious issue" that is stemmed in some underlying emotional issue seems very remiss IMO...in fact, such advice seems more likely to cause potential emotional harm then not...to risk this young woman stalling in a state of self blame as IF this isn't common/normal/to be expected...

i'm sadly disappointed in this advice Dr. Shoshanna

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 3:14pm

great advice and compassionate support Coltara!

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 11:36pm
I think she was addressing the lack of sex drive and the depression after sex rather than the lack of orgasms. I don't know what the statistics are like, but I don't think it's normal to loose interest half way through sex or be depressed afterwards, even for a beginner (unless they have a bad partner).