The Breaking Point
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| Fri, 07-20-2007 - 10:21am |
I try so hard to be concise, but for some reason it's really tough. Here's the story:
Wednesday night E and I got into a fight about the fact that I was the LAST person to find out that HE had planned an entire guys night out. All other girlfriends knew the night previous. I only found out when I did because I called to ask him what he was up to that night. He actually admitted that he considered coming to my house was his back up plan. I find this mostly offensive because if he's going out to par-tay with the guys, I would like a little consideration of my plans too... not just be some back up plan for my boyfriend of two years. I would think after two years, we could work like a well-oiled machine.
So, that little argument would just be a tiff, except for the fact that we've been fighting quite a bit lately. Why? I feel disrespected and unappreciated by my boyfriend. I feel like I am constantly doing things for him and never getting anything in return. I feel uninteresting to him. Many times he can't recall what I say to him, and when we fight and I tell him what I am feeling: "E, I feel unappreciated", he just repeats what I said back to me... "Oh yeah, Faab? Well, I feel unappreciated". He can't tell me HOW he feels unappreciated though... Basically, he just isn't using his heart at all. He's just going through the motions.
So, after not calling me back Wednesday like he said he would (he just went out and partied with the boys), he finally called Thursday afternoon. He came over Thursday night. Walked in the door, sat down, and was ready to call it quits after 2 years of dating. I tried talking to him. Explaining to him what I NEED to be more emotionally fulfilled from our relationship. What I need to fell less angry at him for what is lacking from our relationship. Every time I told him what I needed, I felt like he would just respond in this circular manner of "well, I don't know what you want from me, I just think we have terrible communication, it just isn't working out between us, do you think we can still hang out as friends?"
I respond with trying to put it as simply as possible for him: "I want you to think of something that you think that I would like, AND DO IT". I really just need these things from a relationship. I asked him to do the same for me. "Please tell me what I need to do to make you happier in this relationship." I still think he has no clue what I said. Sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall.
I told him "decide if you want to put in the effort to making things work, or let's just end it." I realize that I need to change as well, but he has to actually WANT to do something about it and UNDERSTAND what I am trying to say to him. He's going to call me at noon. I don't know what to do. I'm torn between wanting him to make the effort to save the relationship, and just wanting to throw in the towel because we will never see eye to eye.
*sigh* I suppose I just needed a vent... and I wanted to see if anyone else would like to opine...

I think there's a VERY slim chance that you're going to get anywhere with your boyfriend. So many times we say to ourselves, "this would be so perfect ONLY IF they would understand what I need and do it." Your statement was "I realize that I need to change as well, but he has to actually WANT to do something about it and UNDERSTAND what I am trying to say to him." I know what you're saying here, and I can assure you that SO MANY WOMEN have been where you are before, thinking if we could only get our guy to understand this about us, things would work out. This is difficult because you can't magically make him understand what you want. There are no words you can use to tell him how to act in a relationship with you to make you happy. Not only that, but the harder you try to force your perspective on him, the more frustrated he will get.
As you might imagine I've tried this before. It doesn't work. I really feel for you - I understand how it feels to invest a long time (3 years for me) into a sinking ship and still have it sink.
People might say that men and women have different "languages" and that might be true, but a couple who communicates well and therefore is meant to be together is a couple that doesn't wear themselves thin trying to get the other person to understand you.
I will also say that it is a very common problem to feel like you are giving too much without getting much in return. The solution to this is not to get angry about it or demand that he give you more, it's simply for you to give LESS. If he's not appreciating you then don't do it. Maybe his level of expectancy in the relationship is much less than yours, and while that's normal and okay, you have to be understanding of what he expects from you and not get crazy if he is happy to live more simply and show his affection for you in other ways. If that's not enough for you then this relationship is not going to work out. We all have our own ways of showing love and appreciation (for some this is nothing at all) and if his way isn't compatible with yours then it's time to move on.
You're fighting a breakup at this point. I can say with utmost certainty that telling him what he's doing wrong and how to fix things is not going to persuade a guy to come back to you. As I've said, the words just don't exist to make him see your perspective - you're fighting a losing battle. Look at all the happy marriages and couples around you. Here's what they have in common: they "GET" each other. Everyone has miscommunication problems sometimes but you should not feel like you have to kick and punch to be understood as an individual.
What saddens me is that you're clinging onto him when he has essentially broken up with you. He's already decided that he doesn't want to try. Why do you want to be with someone who has thrown in the towel? If you two got back together it would be more of the same, and you'd wind up feeling a lot of resentment because it was YOU who fought to save the relationship when he wanted to jump ship.
I really think you need to count your losses on this one and move on. Most relationships just aren't meant to work out, but they do give us valuable experience and perspective for the person who will come along and be Mr. Right.
Edited 7/20/2007 12:19 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire
I have a question for you and although it's not meant in a bad way, it may easily get misconstrued and I'm perfectly willing to accept that.
What if when you asked him the question, .....""Please tell me what I need to do to make you happier in this relationship."..... he answered, "Please stop talking about yourself so much." What would you do?
The reason I ask that is because in your description of your talks with your (ex?) boyfriend, it seems you were pretty gung-ho about telling him what he wasn't' doing for you, what was missing for you in this relationship, what YOU need to be more emotionally fulfilled, what do you think *I* would like, etc., etc.,... and etc. I never once saw you ask him "What do you need?" I saw you ask what can *I* do to make you happier, but that is still about you, do you see the difference?
Steven Covey's Habits of Highly Effective People highlight one exceptionally important aspect of communication, "Seek first to understand, and *then* to be understood." If you keep bashing a person for what they're not doing, they're less likely to be inspired to want to do it.
As far as all the things you said you actually do for him, well, that's great but what if that's not what he's looking for from your relationship? Do you know what he wants?
When you try to first understand, truly understand, what your boyfriend is seeking out of a relationship with you, then you might actually have a really good shot at inspiring him to want to give you what you want as well. He's an equal in your relationship, start treating him like it. If it's too late in this one (hopefully not), remember it for the next one.
Best,
what an eye opening post! kudos to that one!! i think most of us women can say (even though we may not want to) that we are guilty of that quite often. I love reading inspiring posts like that- something new to do for the one i love.
Thanks Sandra!!
Try reading Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages".
It will open your eyes to the different ways in which people express their love. You're looking for "acts of service" - for him to DO something for you. ANd that's ok.
But maybe he's already doing things for you to show his love and you aren't seeing it. Maybe his Love Language is "touch" or "words of affirmation".
It also looks like the 2 of you have horrible communication.
When you say "I feel unappreciated" and he fires back with "Oh yeah? Well, I feel unappreciated too!" you're reaction is to say "how to I not appreciate you? I do x y and z for you". Your response *should* be "Well, we can talk about that next, but let's get back to what I was saying".
One problem at a time. His feeling unappreciated doesn't cancel out yours. He's trying to circle it back to you. I think that maybe you do the same thing to him.
Again, I think you should read that book, and maybe you'll see that he IS expressing his love, in his own way. And maybe you'll find a few excerpts in there to explain to him what makes YOU feel loved, without coming across as nagging or whiney.
Then again, it may be too late for this particular relationship. You can't MAKE him want to try.
>>"Seek first to understand, and *then* to be understood." <<
Faaabulous, can I just say that this really does work.
When my husband and I discovered that we disagree on something, the first thing we do is sit down and listen to each other's point of view. We keep going until we clearly understand what the other is thinking. Mind you, we don't always *agree* with each other, but we do understand each other.
There is never any raised voices or name calling. Just calm explanation of how we each feel. It's not about *me* or what I need or want. It's about *us*.
Lastly, from your boyfriend's comments about wanting to still be friends, it does sound as though you've already lost him. Faaabulous, he may come back for a short while, but it does sound like he's pretty much done with the relationship.