On a "breather" and so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
On a "breather" and so confused
1
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 7:55pm
Hi all. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months and have been very happy until about a month ago. Around the middle of December, my boyfriend had to start working a lot of overtime due to a vactioning co-worker. He worked about 60 hours a week/6 days a week and was always exhausted. In addition, we were busy with the holidays and I took a weeklong trip to visit friends without him. All in all, we didn't see much of each other and what time we DID spend together, he was too tired to do anything but sit at home and watch TV. He had always been very affectionate, holding my hand or just tickling me and stuff when we were sitting there but suddenly, all of that stopped. He just sat there, staring blankly at the TV screen. And then the fighting started. I don't even know WHAT we fought about but every single day, either in person or on the phone, we would argue. Mostly, I felt like he had changed and didn't care about me anymore. He swore that wasn't true, that he DID still care about me, and didn't know why he was acting so different. I asked him to just be honest and tell me if he wanted to break up, that it was better than continuing a relationship that was doomed. He said that he did not want to break up at all yet I was still upset because if he KNEW what was bothering me about our relationship, why wouldn't he try to fix it? Last Monday night we got in yet another fight that ended with me crying as usual. He called me Tuesday but I didn't answer, I just needed a break. Wednesday he called me and told me that he cared about me so much and wanted to save our relationship more than anything. He told me that in the past, he would have just ended a relationship that was falling apart but it was different with me and he thought we really do have what it takes. He said he thought we should take a "breather" for a few days, and not even to think over IF we wanted to stay together but just to break the pattern we were in. He said that he did NOT have any interest in seeing anyone else, that there is zero chance he'll break up with me, and he is only doing this to save our relationship. Now five days have passed and he hasn't called. Part of me feels like he's disrespecting me, making me wait by the phone until HE'S ready (I adamantly opposed this breather) and I'm so angry. But an even bigger part of me believes that he really is trying to save the relationship and am happy that he's trying. Mostly though, I just can't stand the thought of living in between like this. I either want to go forward or want this to end. I feel like I shouldn't call him first though. Please, honestly, am I being a fool? Is this the end? Is there anything I can do to save this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 8:26pm
My husband did something like this before we were married. Granted, we're not doing great at the moment. But he when I was upset about something, he would usually wait for me to calm down and contact him when I was ready. The first time this happened I didn't talk to him for almost 2 weeks because I was waiting for him to call. When I finally called him, he said that he was waiting for me. Now we have a "check-in" system in place, which usually works. Execept for this last time which was really a bomb, when we get in an argument at some point one of us leaves the room. Then when I feel like I can talk to him without being too emotional, I go to him and check-in, saying something like, "ready to talk about it?" or "how are you doing?" Sometimes his answer is positive and we sit down and work it out. Other times he indicates that he's not ready and so I wait. Eventually (usually within an hour or two) he'll come to me and kiss me or hug me and then we talk. When I'm the one that's taking longer to cool off, he'll just wait.

It sounds like he's trying to get his thoughts in order and is waiting for you to do the same. Check in with him, see that's going on.

Hugs!
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