Brother in law?
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|Thu, 12-27-2012 - 8:19am|
I have posted on this situation before but I have made some changes but it is still a problem.
First I want to say up front, I am here to get some kind of advice. If you feel you need to be negative because you've been through something hard, please don't post. I'm looking for an outsider's point of view and am only looking for constructive responses.
I'll give you a quick back ground: I married my husband about 15 years ago. When we met, he was living with his older brother and raising a child. ( the child's mother left). Both of them had been divorced about the same time and decided to pull their resourses to raise the child.
When I came along, I didn't expect the brother to move out right away. I figured it may take a few years. 15 years later he is still living with us. The child is grown and out on their own. The brother has no friends and is not interested in making any or getting involved with any woman.
Problems with him: He lives in our home which he occupies 1/3 of. He pays NO expences as far as rent or utilities or food. He makes very good money. He eats what I fix but if he doesn't like it, he will make comments on it. He talks rudely to me and acts like he is entitled to live this way with us. I am forced to clean his areas such as his bathroom because he is not a clean person. I have to ask him to wash his hands or feel like the hand washing police. I am constantly wiping things down with disinfecting wipes because I can't trust that he will wash his hands if I'm not there to watch him. I live in a nice home but he make the outside of our home look junky because of the junk cars he instists on having around. (he drives a pretty nice care regularly). If I say something to him, when my husband gets home, he will make it sound like I was being a real bitch to him. He is very paronoid to the point he thinks everyone is talking about him. He treats me like a servant not his brother's wife.
Problems with my husband: My husband is a wonderful man. He is good to everyone around him. We would not have a problem if it weren't for his brother. He is very defensive of his brother. He will take his side over mine and if he feels I'm doing something to complain about his brother he will jump on me. for example: I was walking around the house the other night, shutting off lights and making sure doors were locked. I do this every night. I saw a light on in the garage (I had mentioned a couple days before that I found lights left on) My husband got upset and said "if he's outthere he can have lights on. Ill bet I can find lights YOU have left on!" I just shook my head and walked away. He was appoligetic later but this is typical. He will also say things to make me feel bad about myself or try to make me think there is something wrong with me. Please keep in mind that the only time he does this is when it something that concerns his brother. In any other situation, he is very loving and encouraging. All I can think is, our marrage would be great if it weren't for his brother. He ask me what I'm going to do when his brother retires. I lost my breath. What he is telling me is I will have to put up with him more!! Like I have no choice!!
A few months ago, I let go. I told my husband that I didn't think it was fair that I should have to live like this. I made NO commitment to his brother and don't owe him anything. I told him I would not allow his brother to treat me badly anymore and that the only reason we fight is because of his brother. I ask him who he would choose if I ask him to make a choice. He hesitated and said "you". What that told me was he was weighing the finacial cost. He also told me that when we got married, he had other choices but he chose me because he felt I would put up with this situation. That made me feel like crap. I married him because I loved him. I had other choices too and they didn't come with all the excess baggage.
I also went back to work. Oh, they like me to take care of them. Like cooking cleaning running errands. Basically being on call! I was told that if I got a job I would have to make sure they ate and things around here got done. I finally stood up for myself and told them that I have a right to have a career and it shouldn't have limits on it. I don't ask for my husband to limit his career.
My husband had a talk with his brother and told him what I said. His brother now walks around the house like a wonded puppy. An attempt to make me feel sorry for him, which I wont!
I have become extreamly resentful. I have thought about contacting a lawyer. I ask my husband what his brother does with all his money. So I know he is thinking about what I'm thinking about there.
I am mad because I have never known my marriage without my brother in law! He is ALWAYS there!! I'm mad because I am supporting someone who makes good money and I never agreed to that. He helps their mom out and pays for some auto repairs but other than that his money is his!!
I don't want to divorce my husband but I have come to the point where I don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading, sorry so long.