BUGS OUT when HOT discussion

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2006
BUGS OUT when HOT discussion
5
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 4:20pm

Preface: We live together - every other week I have my 10 yr old & she has her 4 & 6 yr old. We always have her 15 yr old. We have been living together (I own the house) since last June when I bought the house. Technically, she is still married (idiot will not relinquish for divorce).

This past Sat morning we were going over school paper-work. I made a comment that I was not sure if I wanted my son to participate in the school summer program here or over by my ex-wife. (Note - she helped to get my ex a job and she has great relationship w/ my ex). She said, "Why is it the this program is good enough for my kids and the rest of the school but not yours?" All I wanted to do was find out what the program was more to the point then what they had for the little bit of information they gave out...

Long story short - she got PISSED slammed the bathroom door - showered, took her three kids and left to go "shopping". She ended up 2 hr away shopping and then somehow forgot her pursue at her sister's house there - and ended up staying over Sat nite there... So plans of taking all the kids to the YMCA for family night were gone, us going out for St. Pat's night dancing were screwed up - I had planned on us meeting another couple for dancing too.

I know that sometimes I do not have the great tact in the world - but it is VERY IRRATATING when she just does this ESCAPE ROUTINE.... This is the 3rd time now that she has done this... I am not sure if it is something from her past (items in her closet) that keeps making her do this...

QUESTION -- HOW do I strategically confront this whole situation? We have the most incredible relationship it seems (from doing things together to the greatest sex (almost every night it can be so intense and she has numerous orgasms because of the connection we have) I have ever had with a woman.

I was so close on Saturday - being pissed off because she took off - to just put the house up for sale - move back into a duplex or condo and let her find her own new place (plus deal with the crap that her future ex would take from that for taking the kids away from her) and this is a large battle (she will have filed for divorce two yrs in May).

I LOVE HER and do not want to lose her -- otherwise I would not be seeking advice... I have talked to my ex wife this morning and she gave me some ideas but I also want to get any other input from other people.

She was married with the guy for 5 yrs - I was married for 12 yrs (knew her for 18 yrs now) -- so she has been on her own for most of her life as an adult of 37.

Any great and informational thoughts would be appreciated.... I am hoping to have a discussion w/ her tonight -- since the 15 yr old will be gone for most of the evening - and just us at home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 7:04pm

Hi longtime_luvr and welcome to the board.


I think the comments made regarding the summer program were misinterpreted and she took offense for some reason.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:56am

>>I think the comments made regarding the summer program were misinterpreted and she took offense for some reason.<<
She took some sort of offense because "It is good enough for my kids" was how she put it. I am NOT the type of person that just because EVERYONE else is doing something, I will too -- far from it!!! I am more the person who will question it and decide based on my criteria not that of "what everyone else is doing".

>>The disappearing act, would be hard to take.<<
It WAS/IS very hard to take - I was VERY PISSED OFF that she AGAIN did this... I was SOOO very ready to call a REALTOR friend and have him put the house on the market on Saturday. I had terminated her on a few accounts - like the video account.

>>Does she want to be mad so she can leave?<<
I am not sure.

>>Have you tired taking her for a walk and ask her why she runs off and tell her how you feel about it?<<
I was hoping to have done this last night, but the weather turned cold and she ended up staying late at work because of an irresponsible co-worker decided not to report in nor did the person do the work that they said they would over the weekend. So - instead of coming home around 5 - she was not home until about 8:30 --- sooo, talking last night was not good idea - considering how upset she was about work.
I NEED to be sooo very tactful in how I explain to her how I feel. The reason I say that is because I already know that sometimes I can be that way. It is something I try to work on all the time... :( We all have a flaw or two -- and that is the ONLY ONE that I have (wink).

>>Have you considered couples counseling to help you both work through this?<<
Personally - having been in marriage counseling -- which was no more than a big BLAME GAME -- MOF, my wife (at the time) told the counselor that the counselor had me all wrong and that it was NOT all my fault.
Best part was when the counselor, she told me one day that I had to start seeing the world in a more "rosy" perspective... SOOO I went to Wally World and bought cheap pair of John Lenon style rose colored sun glasses and put them on right when our session started. My "wife" started laughing soooo hard -- but the counselor just turned around to see what my wife was laughing at -- looked at me and said, "I do not see what is soooo funny." I said that you wanted me to see the world more rosy -- so I took your advice.
Yeap - one person got the joke and the other --- in her $400 suit and numerous "degrees on the walls" could not see the humour of the world.
THEREFORE - I am very hard pressed to go to a counselor - even other people have told me of negative experiences they have had. One told the woman that she should divorce her hubby -- even though it was the wife that was ignoring her husband in numerous ways...

I will take a look - see if my library has the books you mentioned to see what they say. I did read Date or Soul Mate - to decide in Two Dates or Less. That was a very good book - gave me the ability to look at myself and whom I was really searching for in my "mate"... I recommend this book to numerous people. There are sooo many books out there - just like counselors -- you have to really becareful what you read and make educated decisions.

- S

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 12:07pm
Your counselor story was funny.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 4:00pm

Are you trying to say I "could be" wrong????? (wink)

First is the convo to see where we need to strive to fix things...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 4:08pm
LOL - we 'could' all be wrong.