Butt in or Butt out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Butt in or Butt out?
4
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 9:50pm
I need to know if we (me and DH) should add our 2 cents to SIL's new relationship or not? (Mostly I think what goes on between 2 people is their business, but when someone has a possibility of becoming my kids' uncle - or at least a chance of spending lots of time around them - I think I should voice my concerns when I have some...)

Anyway, SIL has been dating new guy "Joe" since late April. After 1 mo she found out he was married - and not just an "Oh, I didn't mention it before..." situation but he gave her a really detailed and intricate story to which she discovered the truth on her own. Needless to say, they had a huge fight and she put him on "super double probation." Now, a few weeks later DH (her brother) and I are told she is still dating him and "working things out" but they sound like they are practically planning a wedding next summer!

Well, DH and I are very leery of Joe. Even though he says he is now getting a divorce and moving his things out, DH and I are very concerned for SIL. Joe’s story at the beginning basically manipulated SIL into a relationship (she felt they were at similar places in their lives after similar experiences – big lie on his part) and now we fear for him hurting and disappointing her badly again. We just don’t know what kind of future they can build if this is what they have in their very short past. Every thing he says and does is suspect to us and although MIL & FIL may be open to letting him in their lives because is the first boyfriend in a long time that is – on paper – “desirable,” DH and I want SIL to show him to the curb so she’s not busy with this liar if and when Mr. Right comes along.

It is her life after all, but should DH and I keep our mouths shut or say something because we want to protect SIL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:29pm
Dear Abby would probably say 'MYOB' - mind your own business.

Sure you can talk to her, but chances are she won't hear you, isn't open to anything bad said about Joe. If you decided to talk to her, choose your words carefully.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:13pm
I agree. It is better to butt out. This thing may end up resolving itself. He may not leave his wife. If she gets hurt, she will live through it like we all do and will have learned a valuable lesson. Wait and see what happens.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:24pm
Stay out unless she asks your opinion. Has it ever helped in the past to give her your opinion when it wasn't asked?

'but when someone has a possibility of becoming my kids' uncle - or at least a chance of spending lots of time around them -'

If he or their relationship ever affects your children or you directly then you can make a decision about how much you want you and your children to be involved.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 6:00pm
I disagree with the other posters. I would express my opinion very delicately, and in the vein of being concerned for her because you love her. I would say "He's an idion liar, what are you doing?" I would say that there's a possibility that he may have lied about other things since he has proven himself capable of justifying a lie, and that if she wants to talk that you'll be there for her no matter what. It will probably fall on deaf ears, but after I was married to a gay man for 3 years, I said "Why didn't you tell me????" when people said they'd suspected it. I may not have listened, but at least I wouldn't have felt like they were whispering behind my back. And who knows? Maybe they would have expressed something that in the back of my mind, I kind of suspected too, but was afraid to talk about?