call off engagement

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
call off engagement
2
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:23am
Please help!

My fiance has just admitted to me that he is unhappy with his life. He says that nothing he has done or can do will ever bring him joy. He claimed that even when he asked me to marry him, he thought that would make him permanantly happy, but he feels he is unworthy of ever being happy. He is a recovering alcoholic, and has a daughter from a previous marriage. He often says mean and hurtful things to me. He told me that I may be better off with someone else, because I deserve more than he can give. He is not interested in talking about the wedding right now. We have been building a new house and plan on moving in this month, but I am not sure if I should call of the engagement! He broke down during an argument yesterday, crying and saying he didn't want to be like this. He has tried depression medications- but he has no faith that he will get better. He says he has been like this since he was a child. Am I doomed? I love him and do not want to abandon him, but at the same time- I wonder if I would be happier with someone who is happy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:39am
Call it off.

Take it from somebody who married a depressed person, life is very very hard when you live with somebody who is governed by their moods and emotions. The fact that he's saying 'mean and hurtful' things to you, raises red flags - I'll bet he apologizes profusely and then blames his depression?

The bottomline is that you cannot help somebody with mental health problems, they must help themselves - his thinking on medication is flawed and just provides him with an excuse to not be in action and working on the problem - it's an excuse wallow in his misery.

You are absolutely right to be thinking things through carefully - love is NOT enough and living with somebody depressive will eventually make you depressive (I ended up on medication myself for a while!)

The weight that was lifted off my shoulders when my marriage ended was immense - I had no idea the profound affect that living with a depressed person had on me.

I urge you to think very carefully about moving forward with this engagement.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:57am
You can't make him happy. He has to seek it himself. Is he in therapy is addition to his meds?

Assume that things won't change. Can you live like this? Do you have the promise of a happy life together?

'He often says mean and hurtful things to me.'

There is no excuse for this. He may be right when he tells you that you deserve better.