Can anyone figure this one out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Can anyone figure this one out?
10
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:15pm
My boyfriend has told me he needs to drive five hours to meet his ex-wife for the weekend to get her to sign some papers and tell her once and for all there's no chance of getting back together. They have been divorced for three years and we've been dating for eight months.

I've inquired as to why must he go there for an entire weekend, asking why the papers can't be sent there via Fed-Ex, and what are these papers she must sign. I haven't gotten a worthy answer to either one of these questions. I've been told it's in the past and not my problem.

I disagree with it not being my problem. I feel it's my problem because he isn't telling me the whole story -- something doesn't seem right about this. Is it me? What would you do? I don't know what to do. Part of me is screaming I should run away from him since it seems like she has some hold over him. But, the other part of me has strong feelings for him. Suggestions? Comments? Advil! Chocolate!

Thank you for reading my little saga. I need a good detective to get to the truth of this one.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:29pm

That doesn't add up for me, either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:33pm
Well, paperwork is a technicality and a legality.

Have you ever SEEN his divorce papers that have been notarized by the court...if not, he's likely not divorced. They've been separated this long, he's got to go there, get her to sign this paperwork, so that he can file it and go thru the proceedings of divorce.

If he is already divorced and you know it for a fact, not just his words...do they have children or posessions? In the case of kids - it could easily be court modifications to support or visitation that he's petitioning the court for - and he's got to get her to sign them, he needs to explain his financial situation as to why he's decreasing his support - or why he's wanting to change his visitation...but if he's got kids he is likely and should be interacting with her on a daily basis - since he ideally owuld be parenting the children daily - as well. You'd likely know if he had kids.

Posessions are a tricky thing...usually divorce decrees spell out who gets what, and quite often there is a sale involved of a major item - and there is financial terms to come to post-divorce and post-sale. Usually those don't involve getting together, but I can see where if someone were selling ahouse, and the original paperwork and estimates had been for a substantially more amount than he got - he likely does want to in person show proof that he sold hte house for "X" amount, paid off any existing loan, and here is her cashier's check for "X" as a result of her % of the profit made granted to her by th court, at the time of sale.

But, very likely if he's not telling you why he's going and says he's got to get her to sign something and say it is over...he's not yet divorced, doesn't want you to know because you think he is...which would mean he's either a liar, or you do alot of assuming, and you'd become concerned about being the 'rebound girl' which would be a valid worry. And he's got to go, from the sound of it, trying to convince her ot sign itby saying that maybe they'll reunite after _______ transpires...so that she'll sign this or the waiver of service, so that he can proceed -w ith her thinking this is just a formality and he's not really going to file.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:59pm
Sheri and Erin, thanks for such quick responses.

I have to tell you I'm sitting here in shock. I never thought that perhaps he was never divorced. I took his word for it. I have never seen the divorce papers myself. I never thought to ask for proof.

I thought perhaps the visit had something to do with a change to the divorce papers, but there are no children involved, they never owned a home together and he doesn't pay alimony. I was thinking stocks or something like that perhaps.

We definitely have (or should I say "had") a serious relationship. A week ago we talked about moving in together and the idea of marriage. Then, a few days later, we were trying to plan a weekend trip and he told me he couldn't go on X weekend. When I inquired why, I was told of the trip to see the ex-wife.

Let me ask you this -- what would you do next? I'm truly hoping it's something else and if it is and I ask to see the divorce papers, that shows lack of trust on my end. But, now that you've pointed it out to me, I can't imagine what else it would be.

His last words to me were that the trip would make things better between us. I assumed that meant she'd stop calling him. I left a message for him earlier telling him I need answers, but I haven't heard back yet.

Wow. What a day! Definitely time to get some chocolate.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 4:46pm

Well, what *I* would do is say something like "This just isn't adding up for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 6:02pm
So, this "ex" wife is calling and they're having conversations?

You asked what I'd do...and you're going to hear it.

I wouldn't "accuse" him of anything, and in reality nobody would normally ask "I want to see those divorce papers" prior to dating on a serious level....but he is refusing to tell you why he's got to do this, claiming it's not your problem - and he's promising you a good return on it - "it'll make things better between you".

You don't need to "see" someone to tell them there is no potential reunion. But, he obviously needs her signature on something. Now, if it is divorce paperwork or a waiver - IF she signs you two might have less interference from her...but if she doesn't sign, he's going to be in a real mess in every regard. It costs alot to get a contested divorce in most states...and if he's not legally divorced, sleeping with you-he's committing adultery!

So, knowing me becuase I want the truth rather than anything else, I would accuse but I'd ask. "Bryan, the only reason I can think that you have to see you ex wife for a signature is because you're not legally divorced. Is that why you've got to see her?"

And I'd get an answer...no answer is an answer...and NO justification would ever put me back in his proximity.

If he's not divorced and stated outright or led you to belive he was to get a relationship - it's not because you're so great, so wonderful, so desirable, so desired by him - it's because "he wanted to do it becuase it would benefit him"..meaning - he can lie or mislead in order to benefit. He'll have lied and misled you for his benefit, and if he says "but it benefitted you too, our relationship wouldn't exist if I hadn't misled you, you'd have never dated me and I love you so much" - walk off. He loves getting his way - at other people's expense and it won't be the last time he'll have it at yours if you stick with him.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 8:37pm
You were right! Not divorced.

I went to his place and insisted upon answers. I learned the divorce is not finalized and that's the need for the visit. He insisted he told me about the divorce not being final, but let's be realistic -- I think I would have remembered something like that. He then told me he didn't want to talk about the weekend and all since he didn't want to upset me. Here's the best line. He claims he's doing all this--the travel and divorce--for me so we can get married, etc.

After the initial shock wore off, I left without saying anything. What could I possibly say to him at this time?

Thanks for your support and suggestions. I'm still in a bit of shock. Never did I imagine this is how my day would end.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 8:54pm

Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry but sadly, not surprised.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 10:51am
I am writing because this happened to me exactly like that in 2000. I had a boyfriend. He had a wife. He told me he was divorced. And then we started talking about getting married.

Then all of the sudden he had a trip he had to make for New Years out of the country. It was quite weird to me. But I really had no evidence that he was lying about this trip. He worked for the government and he travelled often. About 60 % of the time. So of course, I gave him a kiss in the morning and said goodbye.

A few days later one of my friends called and said that she saw my boyfriend with a woman in town. I was so confused. I got into the car and drove over to his house.

Well his wife was visiting him in town. WOW. She told me the whole story about the fact that they were seperated for 7 years but they still see each other and still intend on remaining married. Ummm she told me that I would never get him. She told me that many others had failed.

Well he gave me the same story. She came here from California so I could get a divorce. Well my dear the divorce never came.

All I want to say is. It may be true. he may be trying to get a divorce. Or he may just be lying. Sit back and see what he does. If you scream, wine, cry or handle this in any other way. He may end up saying or thinking his wife was not so bad after all.

Also.... he is a LIAR LIAR LIAR and maybe even a cheater. And you have to decide. Can you deal with that? I tried to believe my honey but I soon found out that the trust he had broken could not really ever be mended. And so I left him.

By the way he called me today out of the blue. Guess what... still not divorced.

Take care,,, eat choclate and LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:29pm
Thanks for sharing your story. I provides me some comfort knowing someone else has had to face this shock.

Right now he's playing Mr. Sweetheart and trying to buy me into his life. I received an email telling me he's made reservations for a restaurant I've always wanted to go to (and he never did) for this weekend and that he has something "special" to give me then, too. I can't bring myself to respond, and at the same time I can't bring myself to block his email address. Maybe the latter will come in a few days. I don't think I could ever accept his lying on this; the trust is broken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:51pm
Look, block his email, his im, his phone number.....if you took "this situation" out of it in terms of details...and you reviewed the reality of the fundamental basic....he lied becuase it benefitted him.

Now...put that into some other situations with details involved...suppose you two had married and were now jointly financially liable for one another...and 5 years from now you are getting letters, phone calls, and notices from credit card companies - where he's appplied for cards, run them to their limit, you've been "wondering" how you've afforded some of these fun vacations and so forth...and now you're finding out. But, you can't afford them and never could - he just "wanted" them and it was just fine to get it this way "because you were going to get to go". I have a friend who's been in this scenario.

Imagine that you two married and had kids, bought a house, started renovation, you'd faithfully saved in college funds and in retirement accounts and your accountant calls about preparing this year's taxes....you thought that was taken care of - this is OCTOBER after all. You had talked about it together, he was supposed to take the paperwork down there, you assumed he did. He filed for an extension....that's what he did. Because he's spent alot of the money in those accounts and was going to try to replace it prior to doing the taxes, so that you owuldn't find out. He wanted things (things which you have never seen, didn't know about, still can't find) that you two couldn't afford and he was relying on his dad dying and inheriting something to cover this up. I know someone who's been there.

Envision yourself married for 10 years, kids, house, cars, professional and personal reputations and status...you've been there thru bad times and good - and suddenly he has "something to tell you". You two sit down over a nice meal at a good restaurant, that you can afford NOT on a card, and he tell syou that the woman that he's been having an affair with is pregnant, she's too far along for an abortion, she didn't want to tell him when abortion was an option - and now you have another "joint" child to raise. It's not that he wasn't happy with you in bed - you're attractive, you're fun - but he felt entitled to a little on the side action that was just supposed o be "action" and now has resulted in an 18 minimum year commitment. I know SEVERAL people (not just women) that have lived thru that scenario.

How does this happen...people do waht they do because they want to do it. Their values and standards justify and entitle them to their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue.

People end up in the same situations, same type of relationships, same dilemmas - or they're pervasively succesful at almost everything they do - because DYNAMICS in an individuals lives are determined by teh values and standards they hold and the reasoning they use.

Quite likely, this owman has been calling not to get him to sign paperwork -but because she believes reuniting is possible. He's likely never told her he had someone else in his life - even if just his bed and for fun, sex, and companionship. He's led her to believe that reuniting might be possible -if they spend "time apart".

Time where he's found someone he considers more easy, convenient, fun, beneficial, and comfortable and a better option for him...while she's sat there waiting for him to figure out "she's the best thing he ever had".

You two, if hse signs paperwork, are well rid of a loser. And your obligation to yourself is to affiliate with people that share your values, goals, desires, and standards - so that those things for you are met at all times, when interacting wtih them, and not becuase you've got to "change them" or "sacrifice your needs".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com