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| Mon, 07-02-2007 - 12:32pm |
I have been living with a man and his three children for the past three years. He had a stressful and traumatic divorce, leaving him to raise the children alone. He still struggles with emotions caused from the divorce and he frequently lies to me to avoid confrontation. I do know that we moved too fast in the beginning and in living together (we did not have all 3 kids in our care at once, but gradually over the first 2 years), but I thought we were past that...
He recently went to another country on business and cheated on me with a prostitute. He has also, in the past year, begun building relationships with single mothers at his job, having lunch with them and leading them on with his interest. I do not believe he has cheated on me in this capacity but is getting close.
After his trip he agreed to go to counseling, for himself, his children and us. It has only been a month, but his doctor was adamant that he and I don’t delve into deep topics while he is working on issues not directly related to me. I’ve found this difficult because of the lack of trust I feel and the revelation that for these three years, I have been the only one committed in this relationship. He has been committed to the household (which includes me) and has not formed an outside relationship yet, but he has never been committed to me, the woman, in heart and mind.
Each day I get nearer to thinking I need to throw in the towel. But I do love him, I am still committed, AND I love his children and don’t want another female figure to leave their lives when they are so young. And he is seeking help for the issues that may have kept him from this commitment.
I realize that working on these issues may still lead him to decide he wants to be alone, but in the meantime - how do I sit here and put my feelings on hold while he deals with this issue? Should I even bother to be patient, after these three years of lies, both big and small? How will I know if he can be committed to me and trustworthy in the future, can counseling really help this?? How do I stay sane without building a wall around my feelings that would make future reconciliation more difficult? So many questions while I sit here waiting - what can I do??

Welcome to the board fiel_99,
Consider going to your own counselor.
I agree with Carrie about considering going to counseling yourself. You could also try writing your feeling in a journal
glitter-graphics.com
'he has never been committed to me,'
Then why date him, move in with him, subject his children to further stress and stay with him?
I didn't figure out until Saturday that he hasn't been committed to me in the same way I am to him this whole time. I've already lived with him 3 years, so I would be leaving the household.
He told me yesterday that he sees now that he doesn't know how to feel emotions even though he wants to. I told him that he needs to talk about that to his counselor. This weekend I am going to start staying with a friend but I still need to be around to help shuffle the kids around and to make it as seamless as possible for them. I don't know what's going to happen, I just know I can't stay sane sleeping in the same house as him right now.
To begin, sadly enough it does not sound as though you are the woman in his heart and mind. I can understand your reluctance to leave (particularly the children), but you have to step back and wonder if he has been using you to keep things together? The fact that he cheated and is also pursuing single mothers is completely unacceptable, and no matter what his therapist says must be handled and worked on now - for his sake as well as yours. How can you stay there with any trust now? It's ridiculous to suggest that this should be put on a back burner while he works through personal issues (which could take years). This is abusive to you. You count and you have a responsibility to take care of your own feelings and needs here.
I suggest you go to a well trained professional therapist of your own to help you sort out this difficult situation. You need support in taking care of yourself, creating boundaries, seeing what's really going on, and handling your feelings for the children. Unless you can be thoroughly reassured that he is working on the relationship, recognizes how awful his behavior has been and has deeply decided to give it up, you do not belong there. You are not someone to use to simply care for his family while he does as he likes. This is disrespectful to you.
Get help, get clarity and most of all respect and care for yourself properly.
Best wishes,
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I'm curious - did you hear this directly from the doctor's own mouth? Or did your bf TELL you that's what the dr. said?
Thank you very much for your advice and I've taken it to heart. To clarify, he has not been doing this while leaving me with the children. He is a very competent Dad and would be well off raising his kids without me, it's only my relationship directly with them that concerns me in that aspect.
He has confided in me that he has felt emotionally void for the past 10 years - that would be just before his first son was born. He is showing genuine remorse not only for what he has done to me but to himself and the example he has been showing his children. He hasn't been living up to his own values and that's what he is going to focus on with his counseling.
In the meantime, I will be living with a friend and keeping a relationship with his kids while I figure out just what to do. I'm trying to focus on me and my life and can only hope he can turn around to be in a healthy, loving relationship down the road. If not, then I will have to wait for someone else who can.
Thank you for helping me open my eyes.