Can this be saved...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Can this be saved...?
1
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 6:28pm
A little background, I was dating my boyfriend for one year and eleven months, I've been having some depression problems for about 6 months and he's been supportive, telling me to go to a doc so I could get help. I was putting it off until I realized about a week ago that it's something I needed to do. Everything was good, I was going to go to the psych after I went to see my doctor to make sure it's not chemical. I've always had problems with jealousy and I noticed that it was getting much worse over the past six months. I came home from work on Monday and called my boyfriend, his brother says "I thought he was with you." I don't know what came over me but I got in my car and went to find him, just to see where he was and what he was doing since I assumed he'd gone out for a walk. I went up to this playground we usually hang around at on the swings and I saw him there with his best friend (female), I walked away, he followed and got into my car and we fought really badly for about a half hour, now things had been pretty good up to about a month ago, when things started to just get a little strained (he just got a new job, failed his driving test (he's 17), is very very involved with 2 clubs at school that was eating up a lot of his time, and is getting ready to go away to college next year) and I thought we were getting better over the weekend. Then Monday happened, I said a lot of stuff I didn't mean and he stormed off, I thought I'd let him cool off and I went over to his house the next afternoon to talk and he looked at me and told me I needed to make my own life and find my own strength and that he couldn't be a part of that, he basically broke up with me, saying that I couldn't depend on him to be happy, that I needed my own life and that I never trusted him.

Over the past few days, I've realized so many things that I did in this relationship, how I did change when I started getting more and more depressed. And now I realize how committed I am to changing. I really love this guy, we were planning on spending our lives together, we had everything mapped out for the future, we were so in love. Feelings just don't go away overnight. I know I hurt him very badly by letting him have it like that Monday but he said it would have happened sometime, I know he was right. I know he's right about me having my own life and being strong, but I want to prove to him that there's still the chance for us there, that I'll never hurt him like that again and that I'm ready to completely trust him, which is what I should have done in the first place. I messed up a lot and I'm finally learning from it. He says right now he doesn't know how he feels and he needs to sort his feelings out, we've talked Tuesday and Wednesday night where I did most of the talking, trying to say what I've learned in the past 2 days.

Our relationship was so wonderful, we were so happy for over a year and the way I changed is what caused this, I know that, and I'm very committed to changing back to the person he was in love with once upon a time. I would like anyone's opinion on whether this relationship can be saved or if it sounds like a lost cause. I mean, I don't want to throw it all away until I'm sure we can never be together...I just know in my heart we're meant to be. He even used to say, when we were having a little trouble "even if we break up, we'll find our way back to each other." And I don't know if he even believes that anymore. Any insight at all would be appreciated. I'm 18 and he's 17 by the way, we're both mature for our age, we planned on never being with anyone else, just getting married after college.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:04am
Your actions alone will show him how much you have changed. Stop trying to tell him or prove it with words.

You both are going to do a lot of changing before you reach 25, finish college, etc. There is a talk-show host here in the LA area that tells all young people not to get married before 25 because of how much living and how much changing you do before then. When I was your age, I didn't want to hear any of this - but I'm going to tell you anyway. Another person can't be your world. Happiness comes from within, not from another person, place or thing. Girls usually more mature at your age, then boys. We hold on to what we think will make us happy, even when we've had unhappy experiences with that person, because we are afraid of being alone. Because we don't want to be alone. Because we want to face the world as part of a 'couple'.

::I saw him there with his best friend (female),

Personally, if you are in a relationship with him, you should be his best friend, not her.

Going away to college also changes how you see the world. A new environment. People attach themselves to new people in a new environment. Our lives become situationial, if you will. My former brother-in-law, moved from the West Coast to the East for college. His first college he fell in love, really wanted to be with her, things didn't work out. Then when he went to grad school he hooked up and lived with another woman. He thought she was it, but when he moved to the mid-west and met his now wife, he realized that in each situation, each enviornment, he clung to someone to share the time with, but that he change with each person he knew, with each environment as all the experiences were shaping who he was becoming, to get him to where he is now.

You are clinging to this relationship. It may not be in your best interest. Focus on you and your healing instead. Give him time to miss you and to think about his life. It may not work out, but you will be a stronger person for it.

My best to you. Sorry for your pain.


Carrie