Can this be saved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Can this be saved?
6
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:58pm
Hi,

I just recently got out of a relationship...My boyfriend (ex-bf) is depressed. I saw it for awhile, but finally brought it up to him recently. He said he agreed with me, and needed to get help. However, he decided he wanted to get help w/o me...so he broke up with me. He kept telling me he could not love me if he didn't even like himself. Yes, it sounds rational, and of course, why would I want to put myself in such a sticky situation? But at the same time, I love him and care deeply for him. When we broke up, he said he was doing it for me. If he could get better, we could have an amazing relationship again. But in the next breath, he will tell me not to wait for him. We had a wonderful relationship, but his saddness recently started to affect "our" happiness.

Since we've broken up, he's had good and bad days, but now he says he's "fine" and does not want to talk to a doctor. (There's a possibility he'll go to a doctor, but just not tell me.) I know that w/o help, there is no chance of a future with him. I cannot live everyday with someone who is unhappy, puts himself down and blames himself for everything. I've decided I needed to stop talking to him about his depression, and just let him handle everything on his own, on his terms. If he needs me, he knows how to find me. As the saying goes...If you love something, set it free...

Do you think this relationship is salvagable if he gets help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 5:04pm
Maybe, it's hard to say.

Reading material:

When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself, Laura Epstein Rosen

The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 9:02am
Thanks. I don't think this is a case where reading will help me along. I have come to grips with his problems, he hasn't. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone ever had an experience similar to this. Did your man come around? Or did he just realize he's happier being alone? I don't want to "waste" my time on someone who is not open to a loving and supportive relationship.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:59am

"If he gets help" is the big If. Certainly, if he decides to really work through this depression with appropriate medical and/or psychological care then everything is possible. However, the fact that he has not yet sought this kind of treatment shows that he is not yet serious about tackling or facing his condition. Depression manifests in many different kinds of ways - it can get worse, it can be cyclical, and it can also be something some people just decide to live with. These are his choices and decisions to make. As you wisely say, you cannot be a ping pong ball here, living with this cloud over you. If and when he decides to really tackle this situation, he certainly can improve sufficiently to be in a fine relationship. However, this takes time, patience, disciple, and most important of all real determination on his part.


In the meantime, do not put your own life on hold. Move forward in a healthy, constructive way. This may even be a catalyst and role model for him. At any rate, you will giving yourself the chance in life you deserve.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 3:35pm
So you don't think if the books are around the house that he might read one?

Thankfully, I've not had to live with a man that is depressed. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:01pm
He was my boyfriend, not my husband. We do not and never have lived together.

I know I have to move on, it's just hard to cut him out of my life when just last week we were best friends and lovers. How come it seems like he is cutting me out so much easier???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:12pm
It seems like it because he's not talking to you about what he's feeling. He's not sharing with you what he's been thinking, how he's going about his days, etc. Just like he doesn't know how you are really handling things. He may be thinking the same thing about you.

This is now about you healing, moving on and rebuilding your life.


Carrie